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Hi guys,

I am not sure if this is the right board for it, but none of the other boards were an exact match either...

Today I had my first therapy session. Before this I had a number of individual and couples session with a relationship therapist. This was the first one at an advanced therapy place that specialises in personality disorders.

I don't know what to make of it? I thought the guy was barely awake half the time. Definitely saw his eyelids closing a few times. A bit disappointing. No new insights. I liked talking to the two therapists I spoke to as part of the intake more. The second one challenged me on why I wasn't showing more anger. At least that was something new to think about. I am thinking of having one more session with this guy, and to ask for someone else if I am not satisfied.

I also started to wonder about switching to a female therapist. One of the reasons for me to go to therapy is to find out if I can connect emotionally with women the right way. My wife was my first real relationship, and that happened in my late twenties.

I always had reasons for why I was not in a relationship before that... good reasons too :), but now as I question my childhood with an emotionally unavailable mother I wonder if the real reason was that I didn't know how to connect with women. I am not shy, I have no problem talking to women (or anyone for that matter) in general, so what was the real reason for me not to have intimate relationships? I am wondering if it might be easier to explore this with a female therapist... does anyone have an opinion on this?

Cheers,

A Dad (I need to change my screen name, this journey is no longer only about looking after my children)

I think you are right to ask these questions.   I don't have expertise, only experience, but I'll share what I asked and what I learned.  

It sounds like your initial screening criteria led you to a specialist center for personality disorders.  Is there a stated "type" of therapy used?  Is it insight therapy?  Cognitive behavioral therapy?  Or, dialectical behavior therapy?  I think that's somewhat important, because the patient/therapist relationship might vary in each practice.   This website was particularly helpful to me in distinguishing the various types of therapy:  www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=41583 (http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=41583) Note: I linked specifically to one section of the site... . if you explore there are other sections which are also helpful.   And, I like the podcasts too.

I'm male, and I have a female therapist.  Her primary technique is psychodynamic therapy, or insight therapy. Insight-oriented therapy does involve "transference" within the context of therapy, so it's not surprising I chose a female because some of the things I am working through relate directly back to issues with my mother.   Ultimately, I think you need to find a fit that works for you.   Therapy is a process, and sometimes a challenging one.  You don't want to be "friends" with your therapist but you want to be comfortable enough to become uncomfortable, so you can face the stuff you want to process.

Hope that helps.

This is a good idea - there are therapists that we feel good about and ones we don't. Since this is a deeply personal journey, finding one to trust really is important.

Other considerations are the "therapy plan".  A good T should be able to give you a road map of the direction after a few sessions based on what you want, what he/she hears and a plan to work on this.

This is the correct board - I hope you continue to share your journey here... . good job taking control of your own life  |iiii

Peace,

SB

Hello A Dad,

My mom went through something like 7 therapists before she found one she felt comfortable with enough to make progress. It's non uncommon to not feel comfortable with the first one, or even more.

I have a female T as well. It also took me a few Ts to find my first good T then after her was my current one.

I think you're right, give him another go then if you're still not happy, ask for a different T. Remember therapists are people too, they have good & bad days. maybe he was just having a bad day (crying baby kept him up, etc) or maybe he's not right for you.

Good luck & stay strong

Here's a thought... . I chose a male therapist because my instinct, relating so well to women, was to choose a woman. I changed the pattern, because I didn't trust my feeling, and got an awsome T.

I think the skill of the individual T and how it matches with your own issues are most important. Gender much less so.

I have done more couples work than individual T... . but found that over the years, I've seen somewhere around half a dozen different therapists. (I've moved around and some have retired, otherwise the number would be less) My assessment of them at this point:

1. A fantastic and insightful and helpful T. (M)

2. Dunno... . could have been good, but triggered my wife something fierce on the first (and last) session. (F)

3. After 1 or two sessions, we both decided that this guy wouldn't push us to do anything effective; heard confirmation from a 3rd party that he accomplished nothing over ~months (M)

4. Good *really* had my wife's number and helped her a lot. Less spot-on for me, but overall very good. (F)

5. Again, very helpful for my wife, also the r/s, and helpful for me as well. Very effective. (F)

If it ain't working for you, keep looking! In our case, #2,3,4 were all right in a row when we decided to try again.

Thank you everyone for replying to me. Sorry it took me a few days to write back. I read bpdfamily almost every day, but most days I don't have the energy or will to write back.

LettingGo14, I think it is psychodynamic (is it the same as psychoanalytical) therapy. Can you elaborate a bit more on what you mean by transference and what that has to do with choosing a female therapist?

SB, thanks, that is a good idea. I will ask about his thoughts on a therapy plan.

hi A Dad. i agree with the others who say, look until you find a comfortable one. (it's good that you're giving him a second session, as NachaLuva said maybe he'd just been up too long that day.) i went to therapists often enough and never clicked with any of them until i realized that i needed one who "spoke my language," that is, was raised in an environment similar to mine and understood the terms in which i thought. that's who i have now and it's working. equally important, she's treated pwBPD, a lucky thing (i only learned that after i started with her). it's been exceptionally helpful, the therapy itself but also just knowing there's someone to talk to. i hope it works out for you.

My first therapist reminded me of a great aunt! I didn't connect at all with her.

Call and ask questions. A good Therapist will help facilitate your thoughts/emotions.

Keep searching for a good one! Also like many of us have discovered much of our reasons lie either in our relationship skills and/or family of origin (FOO). My fear of intimacy, connection and ability to sabotage relationships lie in having an emotionally absent father - also an alcoholic. Very damaging on my ability to successfully hold a relationship and seek out healthy folk.  Toxic relationships were so normal for me and I had to debunk the myths I was living behind.

A dad,

I completely relate to your thinking behind wondering if you should get a female T and my advice would really be that it shouldn't matter too much as long as you have a T you are comfortable with and that there is an element of relativity. That is paramount to everything because you do need that connection. It's funny because T's can be like relationships, some work on a platonic level, some on a deeper level and others don't work at all. You have to find what is right for you and if that means a female T, then as long as you are comfortable, that is all that truly matters.

I would have preferred to have had a female T initially. I grew up with my mother and sister and although most of my closest friends are male, I found it easier to talk to women. The fact I have 3 daughters too is testament to that also  :)

However, I didn't get my own choice of T, my exBPDw chose for me and she refused to let me see a female T. Something which ironically backfired on her  |iiii The only person I was allowed to see was her T. This is because he gave her the validation and empathy she constantly wanted and because he was "on her side" she figured he would fix me to her way of thinking. The first few sessions were extremely daunting, he was blunt, abrupt and came across as quite aggressive. I didn't feel at all comfortable but stuck at it. He later explained the reasons behind his approach and it was extremely clinical.

My ex became over confident and came out from behind her mask to reveal the person I saw behind closed doors. The session where he revealed I wasn't the issue and that she was the one with BPD just felt like a huge weight lifted. Although in different countries, he is still my T to this day and we do our appointments over skype.

Over the past 2 years, he exposed what I was really dealing with, he helped me gain the strength I needed to get out of there, he contacted the police when she filed false allegation charges and told them and set the record straight, supported me with lawyers in his country to make sure I'm protected should she start up anything. All of this as well as working with me to identify where my own personal issues are which drew me in to this relationship in the first place. Whilst I was in the process of transition and getting as far away as I could, he even waived his fee and did a lot of it for free. His view was my exBPDw was extremely dangerous and he actually feared for my safety.

I would say he has gone above and beyond that of a standard T. To think, my initial impression was of an aggressive and abrupt T. Not for one minute saying all T's are like just that unless you get a really bad vibe, things can change over a couple of appointments so no harm in seeing where it goes. If you still aren't happy, then seek one out that feels right for you. 

1. was so nervous and sweating so much (but then I was a kid) and only did one session with him. Male. Did not really try to get to the bottom of things that much, did not ask and gave my parents a blanket answer. And sided with my mom. But I was only in fifth grade.

2. Sided with my Mom on everything--said that I was the one that had the problems and could not get to the bottom of why I was complaining nor protecting my brother. My mom quit because I exposed her mask. Male, Family Therapist. (A joke)

3. Insisted on meeting my parents, then sided with my Mom, again. Was very, very convinced I had a learning disability (Delighted my Mom ) because I said I learned things intuitively. I spent most of the time telling her that different ways of learning were not invalid. She would not acknowledge any of the anger against my parents and acted like I had a maturity problem. (Female) I do admit using her as a stalling against my Mom so I could put myself back together. (She was useless anyway... . )

4. I triggered her and she started to cross boundaries and had no plan for my recovery. I wanted to go to no contact with my parents and she insisted, despite my wishes to keep contact open. When I wanted to get a job so I could be independent, she discouraged it actively. She would call for a session even when I'd canceled, talk about her own experiences--often cutting me off from my own, couldn't remember the last session and would say things such as, "That's not child abuse... . my experience was real child abuse." Also had a hard time acknowledging my anger and sadness. She was mostly focused on my Mom, and wanted to do things for me, rather than letting me do things for myself. and tried to place me on a proxy position to "fix" my mom.  (She also shut down a few times.) (This is like ten times red flags.) However, I did, ironically, learn boundaries and have a name for my Mom's condition.

5. It took a few years, but I *finally* found a T more interested in me and my progress rather than what my parents did. Who keeps pushing me in the right ways rather than the wrong ways. Male. Also challenges me to move forward, even when it's difficult. I could finally delve into the issues bothering me rather than being a proxy for everyone else. Also, unlike the other therapists I've had, he actually remembers without notes what happened last time. When he doesn't remember, he says sorry and then remembers.

Sometimes it does take time, and persistence to find the right person for you. It is about fit.

But I think, also, a good therapist will be able to work through your issues no matter if they are male or female. They will challenge you in the right ways, and devise a strategy for you to get out and be able to adapt the plan as you change.

|iiii

Hi guys,

I have been wanting to make a final post to this thread for a while...

So the things took a surprising turn with my therapy. I think it is easiest if I paste the note I made in my journal :)

---

Interesting session with the T today. At the end of the last session, I told him that I want to change therapists.

This time he started the conversation with that. He brought the focus on why I didn’t say anything earlier in the session. I must have been feeling it (he said anger, I described it as dissatisfaction), why did I not express that feeling?

Lead me to the realisation that I don’t express what I consider are minor feelings. Only if something big happens, I talk about it with people. But minor annoyances, minor incidents that cause anger or inconvenience, I don’t talk about them. I feel they are not worth talking about. Especially when I can’t see how talking about them will lead to some kind of result or change. Why is that?

He emphasised that the first thing to do when you feel is to realise and acknowledge what you are feeling. Next you talk about it or express to let it out. Otherwise those feelings get built up - minor anger, minor annoyances builds up and comes out in a big expression, maybe in reaction to something that by itself is not so big.

We tried to talk about why I don’t think I need to talk about such minor things?

Other than the fact that I only express feelings to achieve some result, I guess I also feel why would somebody be interested in such a small thing. But he said expressing such feelings will show me how people react to it - either they are interested and concerned, or they are indifferent. That is feedback I can use to decide which people to associate with. Done right, over time, I will end up with people around me who care about how I feel.

Also touched upon why I act like this? It is FOO of course. We hardly ever talked with our mother about how we were feeling, how the day went at school etc. Once in a while with dad maybe, but he was often back late or was tired when he got back, and he helped with homework etc.

A lot to think about. And this is something I can put in practice and experiment with immediately. Make time to talk with people I interact daily about small things. And see what the results are.

---

That very day, I tried to put some of the ideas in practice, and was quite happy with the results. It still takes a lot of mental effort to make time and space to share what I am feeling with others, and it still feels a bit weird to be honest, but it is turning out to be an interesting and exciting experience.

Needless to say, I am going to stick with this T for a while and see how it goes. Thank you to all for your valuable advice  |iiii