BPDFamily.com

Im reallllly trying to get my dBPDgf some help. Shes in therapy and is medicated, but she doesnt really take an active role in her therapy, and whenever things get hard she usually just procrastinates, doesnt put work or effort into it, then quits. Im worried that's how she feels about our relationship right now. Too much work to fix it, its easier to bail. But then she is upset that things arent working out, or feels she doesnt deserve things... . sometimes I just want to agree! You CANT sit on your butt just popping prozac and schlepping yourself to therapy without actually doing the stuff she gives you to do, sleeping all day and night, etc, and expect things to turn around. Not when you dont work for it. Im a logical person, and Im really really really really having trouble getting past the victim mindset. Its not just in situations, its an overarching theme of perceived helplessness leading to complete inaction, then being upset nothing is changing. Um... . duh? I get being afraid of the outcome, I totally get that. But I cant work with someone who doesnt want to work WITH me. She says she does, but talk is cheap, and BPD's seem to be rich in it. Actions... . no, nothing to back up the talk, it seems.

I really try to do all the things the forum suggests, and keeping my own emotions in "therapy mode check" is very wearing on me. Its not a natural way to respond all the time. I cant trust her to tell me the truth, even when I already know it and am asking very specific questions to try to give her the chance to come clean, it doesnt matter, straight up lies, then when I catch her in them, she still continues to lie about the severity. It almost makes you want to believe them. She makes very hurtful comments (I keep them in my journal as a reality check... . idk if thats healthy but it keeps me grounded sometimes). Progress on anything we ever try to work with is painstakingly slow, with frequent reversals, her saying thats not what she wanted (when i have written proof thats what she wanted to work on), everything changes from one day/week/month to the next... . I feel like IM the one with the mental problem! IM crazy! ME! SO CRAZY! Ugh!

Its making it hard to follow along with her in therapy and address all the things shes upset about. Her therapist seems to think she puts others needs in front of her own (but idk about that seeing as one of my needs is uh... . honesty) and I have a hard time babying her and holding her hand through the most immature emotional steps, and pretending to be some godt verdamnt cheerleader, when im so sick of this process. I know she wont get better immediately. Im so very aware of that. But I really really want to see progress to help give us some hope, and all that has happened is more broken promises and lies. Im being promised a load of bread, and only thrown a crumb every once in a while, because when things get really severe between us, she shapes up a bit and acts better for a few hours/days/weeks but then... . all back to the same. Im not quite sure how to help us anymore. I've done research, reading, scoured these forums to learn to help her... . while she does... . i dont know. whatever she wants. I just feel like Im in a worse place now, and not capable of being a tellytubby who is going to hold her hand through learning how to be an emotionally mature person while surviving the relationship. If anyone has coping skills... . please... .  and thank you.

Hi HerPerpetuallyTornLover

and  *welcome*

I hear a lot of frustration about your situation. Sounds like your relationship is more a burden for you right now. 

Its good you found us and that you are reaching out here for support. When things are difficult we need someone sharing our thoughts and struggles.

Sounds like your gf is not working, so you are supporting her financially too?

How long is she attending therapy right now?

Please stay in touch, HPTornLover.

She is working, and only just started therapy. But I suppose it doesnt matter what Im willing to do to fix it now, seeing as she went cold last night and broke up with me out of left field. I suppose Ill have to make my way over to the detaching board. Thank you for your kind words though. Im looking forward to healing.

I am not sure how familiar you are with BPD. Its quite possible that she will be soon back again - fear of abandonment is one of the core issues. Many members are going through on and off relationships, which is exhausting for both sides. 

I think the most important is that you will find out what you want - how do you feel right now that she is broke up with you?

I feel ruined. I don't think she's going to come back for any recycles - she seems more like the paint the ex's black, use (mostly lies and doctored) story to gain new person type of BPD. She was most likely shopping replacements at the end of the relationship, which triggered insecurity and jealousy from me, which probably pushed her... .

As of now I feel no relief, since it's still so fresh, that part is a long way coming. I feel anger. Physical, violent, anger. Hatred towards her and her emotional immaturity. Self loathing for being so naive, to have believed her lies and manipulation for so long. Disbelief, betrayal, so much betrayal.

I feel your pain, HPTL

Its a tough situation for you.

To work through it the Leaving board is the better place. I just realized you found your way to Leaving. See you there.