BPDFamily.com

Hi, I am have been looking for advice regarding my undiagnosed BPDexgf since our breakup two months ago and have so far found this site extremely helpful in aiding my recovery from this truly horrible ordeal in my life. I am new to the forum and I would really appreciate any advice which anyone can give me. If you do not wish to read my story then I would still appreciate any answers to the questions at the end of my post. Thank you in advance. So, here's my story:

My ex and I had a close relationship with one another. I genuinely felt as though I had met "the one", and she agreed. Our relationship only lasted 3 months but I was her second serious relationship, and we talked a lot of the future together. We had many plans which we were looking forward to, and had met each other's parents (she talked about how much her dad liked me, in particular). She has had countless "boyfriends" before me, but these were all short "flings" and never progressed into anything serious. I am one of only two boyfriends to have met her parents and stayed in their house. Her only serious relationship before me was with her ex boyfriend of 18 months who cheated on her numerous times and who she continually went back to, despite him making her miserable (she is the first to admit that he made her miserable). He ended their relationship, though she kept going back to him. He was painted black by her until around a month into our relationship, when she met him for coffee. She met him 3 times during our relationship, saying she wanted to be civil with him and that there was some unresolved "issues" between them. Whilst I wasn't happy about her seeing her ex, she proved to me that he has a new girlfriend who she claimed is a "much better match than she ever was", and mutual friends would often say that I should trust her because she clearly did love me. She exhibited abnormal behaviour throughout our relationship, the usual fear of abandonment (although at this stage I didn't know about BPD so no red flags were raised). She would get jealous of other girls (even though she remained in contact with her ex) and tried to turn me against some of my closest friends. She would force me to come home if I went out for drinks with friends or would tag along, telling our mutual friends that I had "forced" her to come out with me. If I had to attend events, work or university, where she couldn't come with me, then she would text me incessantly, often saying how much she missed me, loved me, etc. Despite all of this, I really did love her and everything was going great in our relationship until I travelled to Spain (where she lives) to visit her and her family for New Year (at her request - originally I hadn't wanted to go due to the costs involved but this upset her)... .

When I visited her in Spain, she became distant with me almost overnight. She was not herself and claimed that she was stressed and that she needed to be given "space". After a small argument, five days into the holiday, she broke up with me, saying that she needed to be "on her own for a while" to give herself some time and space to "sort herself out". She had become disconnected from most of her friends and isn't doing well at uni - she has a very small circle of friends and all of our mutual friends currently hate her too (she blames a lot of her problems on me because we spent so much time together). Yet she never asked for space from me, and when I tried to go out on my own she would make an excuse to get upset and guilt-trip me into staying in with her. She said that she still loved me and that we could remain friends but that she couldn't be in a relationship right now... .

At this point I never knew about her BPD tendencies, so I believed everything she had said, and though it was hard, I agreed that it was the right thing to do. Initially I tried to win her back and she complained when I got upset about our breakup, claiming that I was immature and clingy, yet I'm sure that I was only reacting how anyone else would react in that situation. I only acted "clingy" because, whilst I believed her motives for breaking up, I felt it was unnecessary to end the relationship if she really did love me as much as she said. I guess I only wanted validation from her and closure so that I could move on (I understand now that I will never get that from her), but she already seemed to have moved on in her life so quickly. Later, she rang me a few days after the breakup drunk (the day she returned to the UK from Spain), saying she loved me and missed me, and ended up staying the night at mine. We then spent a few days together as friends (nothing else happened), and everything was civil between us.

The next week, she came to my house to collect her things, but left her old phone on my bed. As a result, whilst I knew it was wrong, in an attempt to find out the truth, I had a look through the messages on the phone, discovering that she had numerous boyfriends over summer, and was still in contact with her cheating ex boyfriend.  She had also met a guy in London and stayed a few nights in a hotel with him. On her arrival back from London, she met up with her cheating ex and slept with him (I found out all of this through looking at her phone, whilst mutual friends pressed her for the truth, which I eventually managed to attain). I felt so hurt because she had left our relationship where I made her so happy, and was already trying to establish new relationships with other boys. This, then, is the first time that she began to exhibit BPD/Narcissistic tendencies, with many of my friends and family also noticing her erratic behaviour.

She rang me a few days later to ask for her old phone back. Upon giving it to her she was complaining that I "still wasn't over her and had to let go". She was angry and I confronted her on what I had seen on her phone. She became volatile, claiming that her privacy had been violated. I also said some pretty mean things via text (that she wouldn't be happy if she continued to sabotage every relationship and friendship she has). After this I was blocked on Facebook and didn't here from her until a couple of weeks later when she text me asking if we could meet up so she could get her remaining belongings from my house. I agreed to meet her the following week, but she hasn't texted me since. I am unsure why she would so urgently request her belongings back from me and then not ask me for them. Was she simply hoping that I would contact her so that she could ignore me? I have since been painted black by her and blocked on Twitter, 6 weeks after our relationship ended.

My friends said that they saw her out in town with "friends" and she was desperately searching for a new boyfriend, going home in a taxi with a guy she met in the club that night. I'm unable to find out much about her life but have reasons to believe she is actively seeking my replacement, from what friends have seen on her Facebook, etc.

Based on your experiences, there are a few things which I would like to ask:

- Why did she text me asking for me to give her some belongings, even though I was painted black and she evidently has no desire to ever retrieve them?

- Once I am painted black, in your opinions, do you believe that she will ever paint me white again?

- Will she ever come back to me (right now I still want her back but I know that it's not for the best in the long-term).

- It's her birthday next week. Should I text her wishing her a happy birthday? How will she take this? I do not expect a response.

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this, and for your advice. I really do appreciate any help which people can offer on here as 2 months later and I am still hurting from the horrible pain which this relationship has caused me. I am so thankful to have found a place where so many individuals have been through the same levels torment and pain.

 *welcome*

Hey there Newc:  It's so hard and painful and confusing.  I hope that this board provides you with some level of understanding and comfort.

Question:  Are you wanting to leave or wanting to reattach?  I ask because you will get very different responses from the different boards.  Here at leaving, I would say why would you want a serial cheater back in your life?  You're lost in the FOG of the disorder and need to let go and go no contact until you find a bit of yourself again so that you can make a rational decision that is good for you.

On the staying board, they will say, you are lost in the FOG and need to find yourself so that you can communicate in a more empathetic way with your ex and maybe just maybe you might be able to live with the insanity.

But make no mistake... . It's a Disorder.  So to try and play games with it will only cause you more harm and destruction.  

Good luck in your journey.  We on the board understand.  We have all been there.  

Welcome and find peace

T

Thank you for your reply Tausk.

At this time I have been in NC with her since the 8th February, when she sent me a text asking for her belongings back. I agreed to meet her the following week but have heard nothing back since. I currently feel as though I have been in NC long enough to make a decision that I would like her to try to re-engage. Despite her disorder, we still had a largely decent relationship, and I would not want to abandon all hopes of getting that back without at least trying to win her back first. At the moment, this seems highly unlikely to happen as she hates me and has blocked me on all social media, however I will still try to get her to re-engage. If she decides that she is finished with me, then I will lick my wounds and move on, though in the knowledge that I at least tried to make it work for us. Therefore I think that I will send her a nice text on her birthday, just so she knows that I am still here. I do not expect a reply, but at least she will have no reason to hate me and give me the silent treatment.

Thanks for any support on this forum. It is really helpful to see other people's opinions who have witnessed this behaviour in the past, and who know both how painful it is, and how to recover from it.

Hey Newc:  I'm sorry for your pain.  I would say, read as much as you can on the staying board.  So that when you are reengaged, you will have the tools to limit the destruction.  

My only comment would be to say, I read your intro to the post and then I read the line above.  I think that perhaps it might be good to see a therapist.  And maybe bounce off other people what their benchmarks for a "largely decent relationship" are and compare them to yours.

Just a suggestion.  And a Therapist really helped me a lot.  And stay on the board, and read and write and share and vent.

We do understand.  

Hang in there.

T