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My detachment from my diagnosed PD (soon to be) exwife is complete.

I understand the disorder, can trace it backwards to the day we met.  I can understand why our r/s was so appealing and why it was so difficult for me to leave her.  Even though the anger and frustrations grew more and more on a daily basis.

I understand the role I played in all of it - and I even understand where it all comes from (my FOO).  I have had a lot of things just fall into place once I came to this site... . and I feel very very much happier and clear headed.

But I freely admit I still catch myself wondering if I knew then what I know now maybe we could have fixed it.  And that if things hadn't ruptured as bad as they did (with the lies and replacements and such), a part of me still wonders if it could still be fixed.  I mean, I still care about her and nothing would please me more to have her call or show up and be all like "I really really screwed up can you help because I really miss you".

But I know that there really isn't anything I could say to her.  I mean... . nothing.

Even if she told me she was in therapy... . on proper meds... . wanted to show me with her actions things are different... . I couldn't believe anything coming out of her mouth - then it would open up wounds which I just prefer to let heal.  Not scab over... . but heal.

I have been on N/C for a little bit - and it feels wonderful.

I don't wanna go back in the fog.

But I still catch myself drifting a bit every now and again.  And I think that is alright.  I mean, I have only had this clarification of everything that has happened to me in my life for a short time.  I'm bound to have residual gunk from that life.

Right?

Absolutely Right!  

What you're feeling I'd say 99 percent of the people on this board have or are feeling.  I still feel it.  It takes time to get out of the FOG.  It takes time to really understand ourselves and the our interaction with the Disorder.

It's PTSD, Trauma Bond, Limerence, Intermittent Reinforcement... .

A soldier who comes back from Iraq and after years may still get an adrenaline fight or flight response from seeing a box by the side of the road.  It's PTSD.  It takes time to move through it.

And it takes time to not want to fix. It takes time to accept that the Disorder created a person that we really never knew, and that we volunteered to interact with a Disorder that produced an interaction that really wasn't anything I thought it was... . ever.

Take it easy.  It's taken me time, and at times I still wonder... . maybe she'll come to her senses, and apologize, and get into therapy, and realize that I was the love of her life, and that she made a terrrible mistake and that she wants to make it up to me, and she will become a whole person... . I she will understand that we are soulmates      

But the truth is that she can't even remember me.   I might pop into her mind if she needed something, but really she thinks I'm evil doesn't even know why she ever was with me, and for the most part has simply blocked me out of her mind.  I'm not even on her radar.

And the truth is that it wasn't about me personally.  It was never about what made me special.  It was just that I was willing to be mirrored and willing to move toward an interaction.  

 I was just the next guy in line at the dance.   And now she's moved on.

No matter how much I understand this intellectually and no matter much I am currently living it as I have been replaced... . I still can't seem to truly get how someone can be like this.  My thick headedness is not helping me fully detach.  I know they don't love like a fully healthy adult, and I certainly question my own abilities on that issue given all I've gone thru, but it's so hard to truly accept that my ex didn't love me the way I loved and still love him... .

Hey woods posse, it sounds like you're starting to process it all, which is an important step in healing and growth.  |iiii

It can be very hard for many of us to give up the idea of "fixing" the relationship. Here on the Leaving board there is often a lot of angst that if only we knew better or tried harder things could've worked out, also fear that the next person will get it "right" with our BPD ex. However, isn't a healthy successful relationship the creation of two people requiring work, input, and effort from both partners? What's that old saw: you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink... .

We can all work on ourselves and our own self-discovery and growth.

Knowing what I know now, not only about my ex - but about my entire life stemming from my FOO, I know that there really was nothing I could have done to fix anything.  Don't get me wrong, I am actually glad I had an opportunity to go through what I did with my first BPD r/s as well as my second.  It forced me to reflect on me (at times) if only to see if there was something I was doing which was causing all the issues.

Granted, I did allow myself to get to places where I really messed up.  Got too mad.  Drank too much.  Let my anger and frustration fly (especially when being pushed).

I sharpened my intellect and verbal dexterity to the point I can logic my way past most anything in about a heartbeat.  Silver linings and all.

For me, the trap was the good times.  Because they were really good times.  Back when I thought I was really in a union with someone special... . the things we did with each other, the support - the conversations.  It felt good.  I do miss that.

But all the other stuff - well... . I can live without that.

I do slip every now and again and wonder what the next conversation with her would be like.  I wonder how I would react if and when she wants to try and have an emotional recap.  I'm literally sitting here thinking it would just be a waste of time since there is nothing she could say to me which I would or could believe.

And if there were any actions she could do to modify that is a teeny tab bit too late - even for us to be friendly with each other... . there has been too much she did which, of course, I took personally because we were suppose to be together.

It jumps in my head that I don't know what she was doing when I was at work - but I'm positive it started with online relationships and eventually progressed into the real world.  Every step of the way I think I'm doing everything I can to provide for my family... . the sole income provider... . dealing with three children who were emotionally, physically and sexually abused in the household of my previous wife... . and dealing with my current wives medical problems (there were always medical problems).  But I soldiered on and did what I thought I needed to do for my family.

Little did I know all that time she was carrying on like a teen - making me seem to be a fool because she is getting away with it.  It wouldn't have mattered if I caught her or not.  It would have still been my fault for not trusting her, or snooping into her on-line activities or whatever.  That part of my understanding keeps me grounded in the knowledge that it really wasn't my fault (and it really didn't have anything to do with me).

Of course, for what I know, one of my first replacements got her pregnant shortly after we split up.  There was a miscarriage... . some additional medical problems... . he most likely bailed quickly... . she bounced back to me for a minute, I wouldn't reengage... . so she bounced back to him and then another replacement - who promptly knocked her up.

Poor guy.

He has no idea what he signed up for.

I can see it so clearly now.  All I can really do now is giggle.

When the ruminations ran wild in my head over the last year and a half or so... . I would get sad, miss her, blame myself, think "if only I had done... . " - then would continue to think and think and eventually ALWAYS come right back to "No!  I didn't do this."

Yeah, I was angry.  Yeah I was going through the greif process.  And I knew I would come to acceptance  -  but having come to this site  I know it was more than just a break up and a broken heart.  There was much much more going on.

And now I'm fine with it.

And yes, part of me wants to run over to her... . show her the data and beg her to get help.  Not for me... . but for her.  I hate to see and know she is in pain.  But... . I kknow I can't do that and even if I could, it isn't my pain, fault, or responsibility.  It never really was.