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Cant contact s due to barring risk to s if dil finds out. So gave his older son, dil not bio mum, a small note asking to meet with him. He was to give him it when shd wasnt with them or bring it back if he couldnt and take it back from his stockhomed father once read. However, I did not account for him taking it to dil as he read it and she said he wasnt going (to see me, I hadnt specified when). So that failed and I hoped it had not put him at physical risk. Yesterday, dil turned up on my doorstep with 2 yr old son. This is first time ive seen them in 6 months. She asked if we could talk. She came in. Now ive found this site I am much more clued up re expectations, risks. So walked on eggshells for the 40 mins we were together. Just small talk. Before she left I asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about. She said no and invited me over on sun. A first. I said I'd need to bring my two other grandc. She said I could leave them with their dad and I coul go with her for a walk in the woods with her two kids. Them she said we could meet tomorrow at library and take kids to play park. I agreed.  I know enough now about BPD to think this is the start of a lovely relationship. I'm going through legal process to try to get contact oeder. I dont know if she knows this yet. I dont want to be with her on my own and am wary as to why she wants me on my own. She has made allegations in thr past re me hitting the kids ie to police who arrested her and asked me to look after them. Also to police re s assaultting s on several occasions. Fortunately police have not believed her. So Im going to have a friend with me but dont know how she will react to that.  Her oldext child is nearly 4yrs, the same age as she has said she started being sexually abused. I am worried she will accuse s of sexual abuse if she gets upset over childrens hearing processes and this might be acted on as it would have to be investigated which she will know.  I think the only way to help my s is to be able to give him info on BPD and dont know how to do it as he has been reluctant to read things if offered him before probably through denial ie he didnt want to know.

Hello lilastar,  

*welcome*

You are in a difficult situation... . Keeping contact with our grandkids is often difficult if the parent/step-parent w/BPD stands in the way.

Establishing some kind of a connection with your dil might be of help, since you say that for now your son has not been open to reading up on BPD... .

How often do you get to see him on average? How's your relationship with him in general?

Just a thought... . but you could go by yourself without your friend and have a recording device hidden within your clothes.  Easy to do.  You are right to be wary and to want to protect yourself above all else. Bringing your friend could well trigger some escalation after the fact. It's definitely a curious scenario of her not wanting your other grandkids to enjoy the walk with you. Seems she's up to something for sure.  Shame that we have to be so suspicious. 

lilastar, curious if you met and how things went.  Thinking of you.