BPDFamily.com

I first want to again express my gratitude to this site, it's saved my sanity more times than I could have hoped for. So I firmly decided to end my 21+ year marriage to my uBPDH. I have been nauseated for over a week knowing I was going to deliver the message, today. I reached out to his T so that we would be in a safe place and there could be a qualified no biased person to help explain as needed.  I stated my intention and it ended up feeling more like a counseling session. In hindsight I could see why it would. We were in a t's office.

So now, I once again allow a flicker of doubt to enter.  Could my H's limited behavior ever result in us having a healthy r/s? This is my insanity.  I am reviewing, again, the symptoms, behaviors and actions of my H to see if I could possibly help or do things differently. Rescuing?  I do conclude that it needs to end, at least for right now.  (But) The illusion is still having a tug of war with the reality. (He is being so concerned now.  Father of the year behavior).  I still have to remind myself that he lied to me, tracked my phone, used my family as leverage to hurt me, said he respected me and then blamed me for our failure in the next breath, and recited his love for me the moment after he pointed out a poor choice of words I used with my daughter the day before.  All within the last 48 hours.  Insert knife and turn!  I NEED to remind myself of this right now to see me through, because amnesia sets in so quickly for me.  I realize I need help. It is a very difficult action for me to reach out and ask. I am fortunate that the support is there. It is a true gift. I must use it. I realize I need support. Just being able to write and share helps me see a little clearer. So my session today did not go according to my plan.  Perhaps a step back?  Now I need to look for my next step forward. I need to listen and be patient. I also need to move out of this mud. 

I have a few ideas of the uncertainty for me

I feared change

I feared the unknown

I was stuck in the drama

I was afraid to give up just in case

I didnt believe in giving up and had a fairy tale going on about good overcoming evil

I didnt trust anything especially myself

And probably a million other reasons that i may discover sooner or later

Because I do believe that there are no coincidences and things happen for a reason... . You bring to light what that reason could possibly be.  There are things I have yet to look at in myself. Things I still need to allow for. As you indicated coralline, my issues are mostly fear based... . Fear of... .

... . Disappointment

... . Failure

... . Feeling the pain

... . Not feeling (avoiding) the pain

... . Feeling worthless

... . Letting someone else down

The truth is, all of that is okay. I need to accept and allow for my fears. Fighting me truth will kill me before allowing for it. I know this, now I just need to act on it.  Thank you.