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It has been 8 months since things with my ex ended over one of the dumbest things possible, I took my friends out on my boat, that somehow ended a 3 year relationship. 

I read these forums every day, I excersise, I see a therapist, I have even been seeing this nice normal woman for a few months now, but I can not go a single day or even a few hours without thinking about my ex.  Honestly the only time I get to stop thinking about her is when I am with this woman I have been seeing, but her being a single mom and an attorney to top it off there is only 1 or 2 evenings a week that we get to hang out and I get some relief.

I know I am extra triggered right now because I just heard that she got kicked out of my replacements house, who she worked with, had quit her job just a month before that, and is now single, homeless (she fortunatly moved in with her brother), and unemployed.  Its not as much as I want to save her but more of a "well did you learn your lesson and want to try this again." 

I have been diligent in my NC as has she minus each of us sending a happy bday text to each other.  Since she moved in with her brother and now has a new route she drives to drop her son of at school, which is the some route I take to do the same I see her almost every day.  We wave at each other as we pass but there are no smiles either way.

It is feeling like a cat and mouse game where neither of us want to be the first one to cave.  Everyday I have to force myself to not get out of my truck and walk over to her car and say "hello."

I really want to give it another go if only to remind myself how crazy she really is and now that I know about BPD to see if I can handle it.

Please help I really need to just forget about her.

Emotion, what is exactly wrong with thinking about her?

The reason why I ask is, you don't have to have an attitude of weakness or that you still may be in love with her or that something is wrong with you just Bc you are thinking about someone you really did love.

Would a change in perception about thinking about her do you any good?

I am sorry you are struggling.  I am going to offer an alternative perspective that I have been considering for myself -- as to why my emotional brain continues to be drawn to thoughts of my xBPDgf, who abandoned me four months ago and said, in no uncertain terms, goodbye several weeks ago.

This may not apply to you, so please recognize I'm not diagnosing anything.  I'm simply stating that I'm reviewing all options for me to try to figure out how to continue detaching, and move to freedom.

Others have noted that some non's may be addicted to their former partners.  Addiction is a strong word, but one that I am now willing to consider for myself.   I was involved in a four year relationship with many recycles, and although my cognitive brain "knew" it was unhealthy, I was not able to extract myself, or to admit defeat upon final abandonment.   I still find myself thinking, daydreaming, bargaining with myself about my ex.  Even though she's gone.

I am determined now to detach.  And to go through the painful process of unpacking myself to identify core reasons I felt so horrible after the relationship ended.   Patrick Carnes, a well known researcher on addiction, particularly sexual addiction, outlines four "core" beliefs that keep people addicted (whether to sex, or alcohol, or drugs, or even a person):

1. "I am basically a bad and unworthy person."  [Unwanted means being unworthy and/or bad]

2. "No one could love me as I am." [Being rejected scratches this wound deeply].

3. "My needs are never going to met if I have to depend on others."  [Others caused me pain].

4. "My addiction is my most important need."  [I need the relationship again].

For me, I am learning - slowly and painfully - that I am ok.  I'm doing a lot of meditation and sitting with bad feelings, without trying to numb them or act out by breaking no contact.   I'm trying - again, slowly and painfully - to accept myself as I am, without validation from my xBPDgf.   

At this point, because I'm still scared that I'll find someone else to numb my pain, I'm trying to be open to other people, but not rush into a relationship.   And, finally, I'm working hard to convince myself that I don't need the relationship, or xBPDgf, to make me feel better.   

Every day that passes I find moments of light and peace.  I view the storms of thoughts about her, with attendant anger and sadness and other emotions, as passing storms.   I come here to read about others' struggles and try to step outside of my own head.

Not sure if that helps you or not.  But, it's what I'm trying to do to move on and let go. 

Thats a good way of thinking of it, they are like storms that hit with gales, lighting & thunder, but then they pass. I know you're struggling with these thoughts, so am I. When a storm hits, just try to ride it out. Do something to keep your mind occupied. Sometimes I also read some of her abusive texts... . that helps remind me why I left.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Stay strong & I hope you can forget

For me, no contact was a tool that bought me some time.   I needed to let the boiling emotions in me settle to a simmer.

No contact didn't change any of the complex emotions I feel for my EX. 

When I get thoughts and feelings for my EX I need to manage them. 

I acknowledge what ever the feeling is, and frankly I have come to believe that the feelings around this r/s almost never make any logical sense.   Almost the opposite to tell you the truth.

I do a lot of self talk.   

I say "babyducks, you are feeling drawn to contact the EX, what purpose would this serve?   Would it help or hurt the current situation?   What do you think would be different this time?   What could you do differently? Would the conversation be any more honest or healing than the last one?"

For me the big question is what is the goal?   What do ~I~ want?

I want to be impeccable in my actions.

I want to be kind in my dealings.

I want to be fit for me to know as a good person.

I understand that my EX deals daily with chaotic and painful emotional swings.   Its my choice to not add to those.  I understand that I am a trigger for her.

I know that I still love her.   I probably always will.   Sometimes loving her and not being able to express it physically hurts.   Its my job to do something with those emotions and that hurt.  Something positive.   I know that there will be a hole in my heart with her name on it for a long time.   I need to be gentle with that.  I need to respect that.

Letting go is forcing my thinking into a different direction.  And trusting that some day the emotions will follow.   

When I think of her, I tend to send up a little prayer,... . for a long time my prayer was "Blessed are You, Creator of love and hope, Source of all the living, give me wisdom and understanding.  Guide me as I step away from the one with whom I can no longer share my life.  Guide me as I move forward and give me the strength to trust and love again."

Contact or no contact is a uniquely personal decision.  I think that getting out of your truck and saying hi wouldn't necessarily mean anything more than you said Hi.   I know that we tend to invest huge significance to any contact, and that is one of the traps of these type r/s.   Everything meant something huge.   

What do you think you would get out of it, if you stopped the truck and said hi?

I'm not sure what your are saying here Arn could you elaborate?

My thinking of her is all over the board.  Yes I remember the good time because they were the best I had ever had.  I also very clearly remember all the bad times because they were mind boggling bad.  And then there is more of an indiferance thinking that I get where I see clearly how unhealthy and damaging the r/l was and that I never want that again, but it is all thinking about her all the same.

The addiction part I do understand.  I know I have an addictive personality.  During more than one breakup even she admitted to being addicted to me.  In my 40 years of existance I had never felt so attracted to, connected to, and completed by anyone as with her.  And that has become my drug and also my determinations to remain in NC.


Everybody says I am a great person and I know that I am.  But the only time I felt it was with her.


Yes I invest huge significance into any contact.  Contact = recycle.  That is how it has always been and I fear it.  I also fear never hearing from her again.  What I would get if I stopped the truck and said hi would be a possible recycle or even worse further rejection.  Possible rejection I can do without, I have had enough of that in relationships for now.  And a recycle only if she is seeking help on her own and for her own.  In which case I need to stay away for her sake.

Work on changing your perception of her. We all can change the facts to fit with what we desire.

You say you split over the dumbest thing ever! Thinking about that a little more - there was way more going on that caused the split that  just a boat ride.

Well I did it I got out of my truck and went over and said hello.  I was about to have an anxiety attack as I walked over there.  I said hello asked how she was doing then asked if she wanted to go get some coffee.  She said no.  I said maybe another time, she said no, but thanks for coming over and saying hi.

I don't know why I even bothered.  She seemed so confident in her not wanting to have anything to do with me and how everything was just great.  Yet I know she is unemployed, homeless, single, and going through a custody battle because her son hates her and wants to live with his dad.  I just wanted to let her know that I still care about her but got rejected instead.  And the closure that I so badly want well I will never get it.  It is like she died but still haunts me.

I'm sorry it ended like this, but I can completely relate and empathize with you.  The only closure we are going to get is from within ourselves. 

These are the questions I ask myself:  What steps am I taking to accept that I am a good person, with or without her?  What steps am I going to take to stand on my own two feet, without her?  What steps am I going to take to restore my dignity?

You let yourself be vulnerable, which is commendable.  Now, however, since she did not (and likely will not) give you closure or hope for the future, how are you going to take care of yourself?

Keep posting & reading. 

  You'll get to a point where you have your closure, you just won't get it from her. You'll find it within yourself in time. Take care of you, and it will come. 

Sounds like you may be idealizing her and romantisizing the relationship a bit emotionalholic.


Clearmind is really on target here - I hope you spend some time with this and share a bit more... . 3 years out the window for a boat ride... . I agree, there is a lot more you are not telling us.

She grieved the relationship and has moved on.  She is at a weak point in her life, but is strong enough not to looking for someone to rescue her and solve her problems.

I know it doesn't feel good, but isn't this better than her jumping back into a relationship and using you because she is needy? Or into a relationship with a man who want to set things straight - and who is in another relationship?  

That bond would be another emotional soup waiting to boil over with lots of collateral damage.


Hard question - if the ex said lets get together - what happens to the current girlfriend and her children.  If the current girlfriend came here and explained her story, what would members say about you?  What closure would you give her?

I only say this to help you see yourself and understand other people.  You're not in a good place.  :)oesn't mean you are a bad guy but it does say you don't see yourself very well right now or understand/respect either of these women and their little ones.   :'(


It will help to stop believing this. There was something much more than this leading up to the breakup - there was no buffer left - this was just a matchstick that lit the bonfire.  The bonfire was built.

Step #2 in the Detachment model says do a postmortem on the relationship - understand what really happened.  It's hard to do. We often don't get it spelled out or we are given mixed messages.

I know that the r/s did not end over a simple boat ride.  It was more do to me standing up for myself and not trowing my friendships away for her.  The people I took out on the boat were my best friend from college and his wife.  At the very beginning of my r/s I had gone over to play cards with them but my friend ended up having to work late so it was just his wife and I.  I got accused of cheating on her and it never went away.  My friends wife, who is like a sister to me, became a major trigger for my ex.  the mere mention of her name meant a major fight or breakup.  So after 3 years and a dozen breakups I finally learned about BPD and set my first boundary which was that these people are my friends and I will not give them up.  There is the match that lit the fire.

Please don't judge me that I was planning on getting together with my ex.  Although I do hold onto some hope that she will get better and things could be different I know that it would take years and some act of god to do it.  If she had said she wanted to get back together the answer would have been "No, but I can be there as a friend."

As for the woman I am seeing right now the wonderful thing about her is I can be honest with her and talk openly.  Last night as we were having dinner I told her that I had run into my ex and had asked her out to coffee.  I told her that I struggle daily with my feelings regarding my ex, that I am active on this forum going to therapy and still processing all of it. What I got from her was compassion and understanding. I believe her words were "You know it has only been 8 months out of a r/s that was very meaningful to you, it takes time I know, I commend you for actively dealing with it, things will get better."  All this with a smile and a kiss.

I have been feeling better about it.  Maybe I needed to know she was actually done with me.  The amount of recycling I went through and that I read here combined with her recent troubles was causing a lot of anxiety and anticipation that she would reach out to me again.  Seeing her that day cause a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me, but I feel much more balanced now.

Having to see her everyday sounds like a trigger.  Is there a way to alter your route/routine to avoid having to see her?  I know changing my commute/parking routine helped me.  Knowing that there would be no to low chance of seeing her helped my anxiety and detachment with keeping her out of my mind.  Some of the other posters here who have to do custody transfers or are still cohabiting, my heart goes out to you.  


This really stuck out for me from your original post.  I have a similar wish that she would reach out and want help, but I would tell her no.  She hasn't.  And truly, if I was completely healthy I should hope that she doesn't.  It's a good thing this crosses my mind far less than it used to.

"well did you learn your lesson... . ", that's the question to ask oneself.  I know the lure to help someone that seems such a mess, made you feel that if you healed them it would heal you.  Unfortunately it's just an illusion, because they can only help themselves, and if they don't, it's hopeless. 

EA,

I think most of us here on this board can relate to the feelings of being compelled to reach out, even when we know its not good for us. 

What feels true for me is that I have some conditioning to the breakup/recycle pattern to deal with.

I think most of us get that these breakups have moments of great difficulty.

I know what is true for me is that I have done things that are very out of character for me while in this relationship and while coming out of it.

Be gentle with yourself, as someone once said to me,  you are still learning you are powerless.

babyducks.

And this my friend is a healthy relationship  :)  think about it... if you would have talked to the "ex" like you did your current girlfriend... what do you think would have happened ? Hang in there... its hard and the feelings are the control she had over you... I still fight with myself about wishing she would knock on the door just so I can tell her how I felt about everything that she did to me... but in reality , what good is that going to do ?