BPDFamily.com

Well it's Sunday in the UK -or it was 10 mins ago!

It was gorgeous today in London so some friends and I spent the afternoon in Regents Park... .   we left around 5pm and ambled towards the church service at 6pm... . and we were late.  Anyway after a really lovely day, we all hugged and said goodbye and yep, there was my BPD exgf heading right towards me with a female friend. 

And this time, rather than flee, I found myself smiling, hugging my friend, and letting the BPDex just walk calmly past.  My friends and I then strolled along the opposite sides of the street and I didn't look over once although I was told she was looking at me... .

Anyway, do I care?  No.

Did I want to engage? No.

Was she as beautiful as I remembered?  No.

Did my heart ache?  No.

Did it really affect me?  No.

Anyway, me and 2 lovely girls went to church and I actually found myself beaming... .   smiling, laughing and yes, crying -but tears of joy/relief.

It hit me.  I've been so 'worried' about my BPDexgf that it's wrecked my life, but actually, the same enablers she had in the past have done their work again and she's fine.  That's all I wanted to know.  That she was safe.  And she is.   I also feel she's not messing around with men any more and is actually fulfilling her words to be for her to get therapy, put all her effort into it... . and try. 

That's all I wanted.

It's been 5 mths NC and since my weeks in hospital.  Today I really felt i'd moved on, become healthier and had got answers.  She's trying ... . and I feel freed up. 

Detaching leads to healing... . but NC and fear lead to suffering.  Sometimes just those tiny glimpses and snippets make all the difference.

To cry from relief in church was something I never thought I'd do.  She's not being married off by her mother, she's not being sexually abused by her cousin, she's safe, and looking well.  Healing. 

Maybe a mini miracle.  It was worth putting myself in the lion's den (church) for that one and I've made some really nice friends too.  Today was a good day :)

Great !      :)

Thanks for this

Im happy for you!

I remember it was the two of us broken hearted Londoners few weeks ago. And now we r growing so much stronger and feeling so much better!

Let's enjoy the nice weather and live life without caring about people who couldn't care less about us!

Big hug

Phew... .

Today I felt calm.  Didn't head into central London but know she's safe.  Went to bed last night knowing she's safe.  Woke up knowing she's safe.

NC is necessary, yes, but it doesn't answer the questions (which I know people with BPD can't answer either) and it doesn't address the fears.  I think in life that the 'fears' of nons are often over the top, but in my case they were very real and truly devastating. 

I have much healing still to do, but a few moments yesterday, not a word spoken, has really helped. 

I remember writing about 60 posts ago 'was it all worth it?' ... . that I ended up in hospital on s watch... . the answer?  Of course not... . but if she continues to 'try' to get well and 'better' from this horrible illness, then I can really 'let go' and move on... . without fear, anger, hate, or the levels of pain I experienced in October.  Her health isn't worth mine, but I'm not like everyone else and I needed to know that the words she spoke about truly wanting psych help were the truth.

I think they were.

:)

You said it all: Her health Isnt worth yours!

Keep tour head up high, mate! Just concentrate on yourself. You're free now, no more worries, no more stepping on eggshells and no more pain!

I meant: keep Your head up high!

And not "tour" :S

Stupid auto correct