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There are lots of dark scary things that my ex did that i get scared about when they come back to me

He worried i would tell people

Not things he could b in trouble with the law for but if anyone in his small comnunity knew it would not b good

I dont live there but in my community he is connected too and he is involved in a few organizations that would not tolerate that if they knew

When i hear of smear campaigns i get a little paranoid

I dont have anything that i have done that i have to worry about but if he gets concerned (which he is very very concerned of his image... admitted narc tendencies) i worry alot

mayb i shouldnt go there unless i have to

Hi C:

Fear is a very difficult emotion.  But the emotion is neutral. Neither good nor bad.  It's how respond to our emotions that matter. You posting on the board and sharing is a productive response. 

Can you grasp what it is exactly that you are scared about?  Are you physically safe?  Are you worried about the smear campaign?  His reactions?  Your friends reactions?  Are there financial issues?

Why not share a bit more if will help you.  And then you can also examine the issues that bring you fear and determine the best response.  It might be to find a friends in your community to share your fears with.  It might mean that you have to find a lawyer.  It might mean just to wait and see.

Only you can determine the best response.  And one of the way to do that is to individually identify the emotions and the issues behind the emotions, and to determine the best response to the issue.

We're here.

T

He had some pretty strange behaviors and interests and i am not sure how dark they went

He used to call himself a vampire and said he used to consider himself a dark angel

And lots of bizarre behaviors etc

He tried to get me to make up a story on text a little while back asking me to finish the following... . corraline is pissed at her ex again and she has a big shovel what does she do ? I was smart enuff not to complete his story

That freaked me out as he insisted i complete the story... .

He initially started the conversation saying he was feeling like punching someone himself ... in the am he asked me to erase these texts just in case they got into the wrong hands

Stuff like this... . lots of weird stuff and when i think of it all my body goes into fear and i get tense

When i questioned him about this stuff he would either blow it off as drunk talk or silly chain yanking jokey stuff

Mayb people say weird stuff when they r drunk

I guess with his escalating anger and agression towards me and the weird bizarre stuff i know about him i feel vulnerable in regards to my safety at times and being discredited in my own community by him to protect himself for fear i leak it out now we are no longer together

Yes it sounds strange and I understand your feelings of discomfort and fear.

Do you feel that you need to scared for yourself?  :)o you think that your ex has some functional self control.  You mentioned that he is well known in the community.   This would mean that he's kept his act together, right?  

He has to keep his act together outwardly

He works with the vulnerable sector in his community and mine so mayb thats my saving grace and his

My ex was retired in his main profession from counselling and had a masters in psychology and taught.  He was very skilled in manipulation and distortion

He told me most people operate in trance including me

He would tell me when i got upset with his behavior that i was going into my stories again

Now i understand that sometimes i was but when i was frequently lied to projected upon then my reactions to things would sometimes not match the occasional present circumstance but i was gaslighted often

Punished for being in my truth and so psychologically abused i became a wreck

When i went to our local womens abuse centre and told them what had been happening they said it was the worse case of abuse they had encountered

I am still dealing with the trauma of all that

I cant believe i let myself get so brainwashed

I did fight for my sanity and myself but i still stayed

How messed is that... . ugh

I am in therapy

It's very hard to feel fear.  Are you seeing a therapist?  Sharing your feelings there might bring you some better answers.  How about some friends or family nearby?  

Be safe.  And keep sharing.

T

I was five seconds late in responding  :)  I'm glad you're seeing a therapist and went to a support group.  Keep doing things like that to help you.  Try not to isolate too much.  And stay on the board and learn about how to detach and become free.

Thank you Tausk

Its so crazy cause with all that messed up stuff was sweet warm gentle guy who was my best bud lover and had my back

So i thought

Thanks for listening and supporting me

I have friends and family supporting me here too

Hey corraline,

If you fear retaliation, can you find a way to prepare yourself for it? Make up some plan if he would retaliate? What does your gut tell you about what he is most likely to do?

I can read from your post that he can be dangerous to your mental/emotional health, and I can understand your fear. Is there any way you can prepare yourself for somethings he might do?

Trust your gutfeelings.

Well i have talked to my therapist and she helps me to asess the risk factor and thinks its moderate

My gut tells me when im not in alot of fear to just keep my doors locked and never let him back into my life again

If he does a smear campaign i should remember also this is my community some of my friends here have heard my story all along

He has also struggled in relationships with friends and colleagues so mayb they might reserve judgement based on their own experience with him

Who knows my friends think i should have documented stuff and saved emails but honestly i didnt want to look at it

He has  not contacted me for two weeks so mayb im safe now

: )