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Title: Second of three children ran away--now found--but Police were called Post by: gary seven on March 17, 2014, 02:18:38 PM I posted this message this morning on L2, but feel I need to get some feedback from the L3 community:
Yesterday was particularly awful: after a rather good morning/afternoon, I came home from studying , we had family snack. The eldest 2 were sent to the basement to build a trap for the leprechaun (S10 and D7). Youngest (S7) was asked to come up with us to clean up his whirlwind of a messy room. As my BPDw continued to berate him for not helping pick up, not helping put away, me not consistently inflicting punishments for such messiness, and the like, the little guy scowered under his blanket, and she continued, he subsequently ran out of the room, and ultimately the house. After I ran the neighborhood, with no luck we called 911. I got into the car, did the reverse drive for the usual family walk we take, and a neighbor reported seing him abt 3 minutes prior to my hitting the back street. I found him safely and brought him home. He was barefoot in a tshirt and sweats. He stated he wanted to go to our usual bench that we go to when we take a walk and calm down. It is on the side of a river. The police were at the house. They poke to him and us, and left. Three officers, three vehicles. He went to bed right after that. So after surviving that, we all get up to admire the trap the kids built for the leprechaun. My oldest used some extra gold colored lego from some other sets as decoration. Well rockets exploded and my BPDw carried on again: "this will take me hours to recheck." "How could you (me) let them do this?" I didn't get into a fight with her over this. It was, after all, time to go to school. SO, in order to temper all of this, I took the kids to school, and after gently reminding my oldest son that he needs to reinstall the gold legos after he takes down the trap, we turned on the cd player and me and the kids sang ( all off-key, of course) the Policeman's Song (Tarrantara!) from the Pirates of Penzance at the top of our lungs. I get little snippets of alone time and try to make the most of it. Tomorrow we meet with the youngest's T. My BPDw has unreasonable expectations and overbearing punishments and it has to stop. Who has to disappear next because of her? When will she see the harm she is causing? Title: Re: Second of three children ran away--now found--but Police were called Post by: Waddams on March 17, 2014, 03:00:35 PM I'd highly recommend you start recording her outbursts. Apps on smart phones are great. There are other apps that make it easy to backup files to a gmail account, etc. Also, time to start boundaries that will protect you and the kids. Do you have a T for yourself? A good T can help you start. Keep in mind that making a change will make you a target and it will be very difficult.
Depending on how the authorities in your area view certain issues, her outbursts could potentially be enough to get a TPO requiring her removal from the home. But you've got to have your ducks in a row to get it, and make it stick. And you've got to be willing to go to DEFCON 1 with her (Global Thermonuclear War) after filing something like that. It's something that once done, there's no going back. You're setting a course for a very nasty divorce case. If you aren't too far along, and haven't filed any paperwork yet, I'd also recommend consulting with a few L's. Find one that is experienced with high conflict divorce and get advice on how to start setting up documentation that will hold up in court and advice on how to engage police/child services/etc. most effectively. You can make your case go through court quicker and easier if you start proactively planning now. Title: Re: Second of three children ran away--now found--but Police were called Post by: momtara on March 17, 2014, 11:19:53 PM I was going to say that, too. Start recording. I know it seems mean, but down the line - a year from now, 10 years from now - if you do get divorced, she could make all sorts of allegations about you. She will undoubtely get some custody - the recordings could help you get more and her get less. You're a man and the deck may be stacked against you. You want to be able to show the emotional damage she is causing.
No one should behave like that to a 7-year-old. I think you also need to tell him he's a good boy and ... . well, here's where I run into trouble. He has to know that it's not ok for her to be like that. But that might send him a confusing signal too (to disobey his parents). Really, she either has to get counseling or change, or your kids shouldn't be exposed to her outbursts. They only get to grow up once - you don't want them to turn out like her. Title: Re: Second of three children ran away--now found--but Police were called Post by: Matt on March 18, 2014, 12:42:14 PM I think the recording idea is great. You can probably find out online what the law in your state allows; for example, in my state, it's OK to audio-record (but not video) if one party (that would be you) is aware of it. If you can't find out online, ask an attorney, but in any case, it's probably good to record - just be careful what you do with the files.
I would definitely suggest you talk with an attorney, or more than one - you don't need to give anybody a retainer til you're sure - to develop a strategy. What I mean is, it may not be possible to do a good, safe job of raising the kids, in your current situation. It might be necessary to establish a calm, safe home for the kids, and that might not be possible with your wife around all the time. To get that done you'll need an attorney who is experienced in cases like this - most family law attorneys aren't! - and a very good strategy. (And audio-recording will probably be a big part of it.) Talk to as many attorneys as you can. Ask about their experience with similar cases. Those who have experience will have "war stories" to tell so you know they've really done it. Also, "Splitting" by William A. Eddy, and his web site, www.HighConflictInstitute.com, have lots of good insights. |