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so... . been married for 3 years and have just discovered the whole idea of BPD.  So I have tried to read everything I can on this... . Very Helpful... .

But today, I blew up at him

He's been really emotional lately, getting on our son.  Short with the kids.  Just the usual stuff and he really has been trying to do better.  We talked about his Angry Outburst, disrespectful judgments and selfish demands... .   but for some reason today I had taken enough.  I feel bad.  I told him that the reason why nobody talks to him is because we are all scared to have our own personal opinion.  We live to please him and walk on eggshells hoping that we don't set him off. We are tired of the lectures for HOURS because he doesn't think we listen to him.   I really let him have it... .

Keep in mind that I could tell I was going to loose it, so I told him I was going back to work.  He chased me down and got in my car and kept pushing. 

So after I had my angry outburst... . he just looked at me hurt, got out of the car and walked off.

I left.

UGH... .

Sorry, sometimes we become emotionally dysregulated from their emotional dysregulation!  Last time this happened to me (last week), I pretty quickly apologized for becoming dysregulated.  I also stated that I was working hard at not reacting to his anger in this manner.  He didn't say anything back but went back to normal in another day.  I have been setting pretty firm boundaries about what kind of discussions I will have with him.  It caused a little escalation but he seems to be settling down and expressing more love for me.  Oddly enough, they don't actually respect us when we allow them to rage and dump their emotions onto us.  At least, that is what the therapists have told me. 

Hi Happy73!

It happens to the best of us... . we lose it. Then we feel bad (or sometimes we relish it, and that's okay too... . ). We cannot be a saint 24/7. Not in this world.

You can always just try to talk to him, apologize, tell him you're frustrated, hurt, mad... . be honest. He may accept it, and he may not. What I've learned is to stop patronizing my husband, sugar-coating the obvious, and being painfully honest with my own feelings. It's all I can do... . he does with it what he will and I have no control over that.

The sad reality is that everyday can be groundhog's day with this nonsense... . so you may be given chance after chance, just like he is given by you... . just do your best.

This is my life, sometimes... . coming off of a 5 hour fight (yes, 5 hours... . ) on a workday where almost nothing will be getting done because your partner just feels a need vent their anger and frustration, and to get the last word in even after you've caved to everything else (!) Sometimes the only way to defuse it is to just go along with all of the nuttiness - do not agree to change, just agree to disagree sometimes, but that you will "support" the person - while giving him sufficient time to clear out his mentally unbalanced state. It can take hours, days, who knows. Ever non has their breaking point with this, you hit yours... . the best approach might be to just back off and let him see you are willing to put a little distance between the two of you. They often think we are willing subjects, but if you can try to think in the back of your mind some pleasant thought about what you can do when you're not having to go through this, it might make things a little better while you're in the thick of it.

This is the truth, you will get to "restart" the same drama many times over. Some you win, some you loose. Don't beat yourself up when you fail. You will win tomorrow.

I blew up today, but I recognized it for what it was and so recovered from it better than I once would have... So its not a total fail.

Anything is better than simmering resentment behind a solid facade of appearing to do the "right thing".

Stay real, your emotions are as real and valid as anyone elses.

|iiii

well, i'm busted.

except i wasn't appearing to do the right thing, i really was. grrrrrr.

Yep.  Don't worry, things improve with practice and for sure you will get plenty more opportunities to practice

I figure it will never be at a point where it's impossible for it to get to me.  But I can learn to stay cool and stretch the poor responses I make as fewer and farther between.

But hey, your human