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 I am the type of person who believes in stuff like this... .

"nothing is impossible to a willing heart"

"love conquers all"

"i believe in miracles"

"follow your heart"

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all"

i don't want to give these things up

but somehow i found that these things kept me stuck

Are they mutually exclusive?

I am the same way... . and those concepts have been part of why I stay so stuck

But yet I know I will still believe in those concepts after I am finally detached all the way.

I will not let him take that positive energy from me any more.

It is great to be an optimist corraline! But when dealing with people things will not always work out ideally and we need to learn when enough is enough. If you feel like you are stuck, then maybe its time to turn some of that optimistic energy towards other things in your life. Don't let a pwBPD drag you down into their misery.

Yeah, I was an idealist in my 3+ year r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  The only problem was I didn't have ideal boundaries!

I'm now in an ideal r/s with an ideal non PD gf with ideal healthy boundaries... .

Very cool Madison66 !

Im happy to hear that you are now  experiencing a healthy relationship ! :)

Dear corraline, there is nothing wrong whatsoever with being a Idealist, I too believed in the concept that " love conquers all" and " follow your heart" trouble is, they kept me stuck too because I believed in these ideals even when reality- red flags n such were slapping me in the face:)

Ive learned that I can still believe in these ideals but balance them with a healthy dose of reality,it dosent have to be one or the other... .

Recycled

Thank you

:)

I am an idealist too. But pay attention to "I" in such statements. It takes two to tango, and most people with pwBPD are likely chronically and extremely pessimistic underneath. The two types don't mesh well together but, as we all witnessed and continue to witness, easily get enmeshed.

I don't think that you need to, or that is even healthy, to give up on the qualities to define you. Working towards a dose of healthy realism helps, but I am not so sure that real happiness comes with complete abandonment of self, only the parts of it that keep us from taking a rational look at the surroundings, and then identifying and weighing options, and finally making healthy choices. I see idealism as a good guiding point along the way. Realism must be complementary in that pursuit because idealistic strivigs are rarely, if ever, fully met.

There isn't anything wrong with any of those statements, but they just don't apply when you're dealing with a pwBPD.  I've been told that I'm a idealist as well, specifically by my ex.  He actually said the main thing he loved about me was that I took care of other people.  Of course, he did!

The problem is not in the way you think, it's not having clear boundaries.  Strong boundaries.

I read something recently that stated these type of individuals are expertly skilled at surrounding themselves with givers-insecure people who find self-worth in taking care of others.  Co-dependent people.  Although it bothers me to admit, I get my self-worth from taking care of others.  It validates me.  All of this is directly tied into my childhood.  Gotta stop being validated by other people and find that within myself.

I'd say we are great at reading other people and helping, and being empathetic towards others.  They also have this gift of reading people, but don't use it in the same way - they use it to manipulate, hurt, and control.

You can keep trying to fix this person, but until they seek help, it won't change.  Trust me, I've tried.  I came out of the relationship still possessing a good heart, but a rather jaded view of the world.  Because of him.  They want you to be sucked into their misery.  They want you to hurt and to be in pain like them.  That's not love.

Oh boy, I am the same way, and my ex uses these types of phrases to try to get back in the door. 

The trouble is, I started using the same phrases for myself and my soul, instead of the relationship.  I finally found that my "willing heart" could be there for me, to surmount the impossible and leave a 40-year marriage and all the temporal entanglement that that entails.  That love could indeed conquer all of the obstacles I faced, when I directed it towards myself and my sanity, my soveriegnty, to sail my own ship in my life.  Finally.  A miracle, yes.  And yes, it was not easy and I had to keep on trying, keep searching, reading, getting help from therapists, friends, and family.  But yes, I do feel that true love has prevailed in my life at this point, and to go back now would be such a travesty that I can no longer entertain even a smidgen of it.  I matter.  My life matters. 

And I agree with the other posters and especially BackinBlack in that it was not real love coming in my direction, only a misguided need of his to maintain complete control of my willing heart, so that he could use it. 

You can still have the ideals.  I do.

Stjarna... . wow, that's a pretty inspiring story/post... .    good for you... .   I feel stronger just from reading that... . thank you!

Hi Corraline

Thanks so much for your insightful post, it really struck a chord with me too, (and kept me stuck for a long long time), as all others who posted here.

I feel a lot better in reading that, made a lot of things fall into place.

Cheers!