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There are many things to say goodbye to and to leave behind in the proces of detaching. To find peace and get away from triggering things that keeps the connection between me and my ex, I had to walk away from a community of 'friends' that I was part of for 8 years. I've had to leave behind my best friend that started a sexual r/s with my ex after the break up. I had to leave behind my social circle and my social routine.

Pwew, it was hard, but now I find it calming and peacefull. No more drama, no more triggers, no more betrayal, no more new hurts. I feel like I have to rebuild my life from scratch again, and there is still a lot of work to do. I am still learning about my vulnerability, I'm learning about groupprocesses, I am learning to take control back. I am learning about my values and morals, and about the fact that I cannot feel safe with someone who has very different morals or values.  

The aloneness/isolation feels calm and frightening at the same time.

Things are slowly getting more and more clear, and I find myself amazed by my efforts to fit in a group and the willingness to doubt myself and ignore the red flags that seem so clear now.

I have to leave behind who I was for so long... .

I never suspected that this would be the aftermath of the break up, with so much loss and betrayal. I never expected that I had to say goodbye to my social circle, or my best friend, but its okay now. I never expected the relationship I had with my ex to be so out of sync with my reality.

I find myself swinging between relief and depression, between hope and hopelessness, between acceptance and resistance. Swinging between feelings of wanting to fight and defend myself and needing to flee the drama.

I swing between feelings of losing and winning. There is calm and peace now, and a great feeling of void.

The hardest part is still coming to accept/feel that my withrawal is not a sign of defeat but of taking good care of myself.

I know this is hard - your post is actually filled with inspiration, from my point of view.  I remember very well what all that feels like - feeling relieved, yet left with so many unanswered questions, and that void.  The fact that you are able to communicate your feelings is a great step, DB, and I love this statement:  |iiii


After going through what you are experiencing now, I realized it was time to move forward and pick up the pieces.  I moved far away, and left all the people I knew during that phase of my life.  It helped me to make that final detachment from it all, and to start to work on taking care of myself.  It was bittersweet, but it was the only way I knew how to move on.

Thanks want2know for your abbillity to relate to this proces. 

Yes, taking care of myself, by withdrawing the social circle and no longer be part of that circle where my ex has all the possibility to hurt me over and over again trough mutual 'friends" or by re-writing history and rub it in my face.

I do no longer want to be part of the drama, or an excuse for him to play out any drama, he's on his own now, and so am I. Safe from harm. I have to come to grips with my instinct to fight and to be heard, sometimes walking away is just the best option allthough I use to regard it as a losing solution, I am starting to feel that it acctually gives me power and control.

I am fine on my own most of the time, its good to be by myself and not to wonder which emotional blow will come next. I am no toy for a sociopath to play with, and I refuse to be one. Even at a distance he was able to lash out and hurt me in ways I didnt even think possible.

So I lost 'friends', but I gained peace and the space to calm down and relax. I am starting to feel a bit more like myself again. And thats priceless.

My sleep impoved, my eating improved, I even started to listen to some fine music again. For now, for today life is good!

This is a fantastic post, Dog Biscuit.  Thank you for articulating exactly how I feel.  I felt so lost before finding this community. 

You pinpoint so many reasons why detaching from these relationships can be so difficult.   

Thanks for sharing.

DB ,this is a beautifully written... very expressive ... .

You are right, there are many things that are left behind, and leaving those requires true effort and pain, but you know what you get instead: emotional resilience and closure. Something needs to close, so a new door or path can open for you.


what you write above is so true. I never expected it either. I lost emotional and physical elements.  but i think this is needed, so you can "clean" yourself up and new things come your way.

swinging from sadness to relief is normal. i am there too... but, if you continue as you have, you will find that the episodes of sadness will diminish... . and you will find your new life where you will be far stronger, wiser than before. THis experience made your backbone STRONG.

I relate this need to loss with learning about detachment and about emotional resilience. No matter how much i lose, or i get hit, i keep going, my soul gets stronger with this.

you are doing great! thanks for the inspiring post 

I've found we also need to leave behind the things that were still up ahead.

The plans and dreams. Shared experiences that could have been. Possible families and friends.

The good of it is, we have a chance to have a better future, beginning now.

Dog Biscuit

Thank you for this amazing post

So much honesty, courage and acceptance


I liked this line especially... .

The hardest part is still coming to accept/feel that my withrawal is not a sign of defeat but of taking good care of myself

That was great... . and yes... . the perfect word is "inspirational." You were not, and are not, defeated... . re-read your words! Sure, this time is tough... . but you are growing, and are the epitome of strong and resilient! I am impressed.  |iiii