BPDFamily.com

I have spent the last 5 or so years trying to understand my mother (uBPD) and our relationship and the problems I have as an adult because of it. In the last few days/weeks I have come to realize I am seeing a lot of the same things in my 22 year old son. Am I being paranoid? Is it possible?

My son went through a big upheaval starting when he was 15. I can't say that is when he started distancing himself from his twin sister and I but I don't remember anything before that. Well, there was one thing. It always bothered me that my son would not take up for his sister who was bullied and harassed because she was overweight. Over time I came to realize he was doing it too! He hid it from me for a long time and I don't even know what all he has done to her, she doesn't want to talk about it much.

When he was 15 he decided he wanted to go to church and get baptized. This seemed to come out of no where. My husband and I had professed to be Christians and as young adults we were at church every time the doors were opened. This ended with the sudden death of our 6 year old son. My younger son and his twin sister were 2 1/2 years old. We tried but we just couldn't. We were not opposed we just didn't make it a priority. When my son was 15 at his request we tried for about 6 months, but we just couldn't fit in. He soon stopped asking to go. Probably because we were so critical : /

Then when he was 16 his beloved grandfather died. 6 months later his dad went to Iraq for 3 years to try to keep our home and pay our bills.

During this time my son faded farther and farther away.  He has a horrible temper and is horrible to his sister. I worry about his rages and his lack of empathy, and the fact that he is NEVER wrong. There is more but I have gone on long enough.

I'd like some feedback on whether I am on the right track and even more important, what can I do for my son?  He is 22 years old now and has a wonderful girlfriend that is crazy about him but he does not treat her right and she is going to get tired one day.

I'm SO overwhelmed. Every relationship I have seems to be falling apart. Many times I have thought I have to be the problem... .

Nan15cool - There is so much grief and loss in what you have shared. I can understand how overwhelming this feels. It is so easy as the parent to think all the 'if only' about how we interacted with our kids, and there are links back into the relationship with your mother.

First, please find ways to be kind with yourself. What kind of support do you have for yourself in your life? This was such a hard question as I worked through the many struggles with my BPDDD27 over the years. My impulsive reaction has often been '' Me!. This is about taking care of my D!"

Well, the stronger and calmer I am, the better I am able to respond to the many crises in her life. There are many resources here at bpdfamily that have helped me. If you want, click on the TOOLS to the right - 'Be Self-aware and of WiseMind'.

A lot of the current research shows strong genetic factors with BPD and other PD's. As I understand this it kind of sets the stage for a person to have less resilience in coping with the day to day events of life. Then when big stressors and losses come along, things can really get undone. I did not cause my DD's mental illness, though my ways of reacting to her may have made it worse at times. Still, there are times I am the easiest target for her to project her anger toward. How that hurts. She has resisted all offers of treatment for many years, and this limits our relationship. She can be scary and abusive and I am able to say no to this in many ways that I could not in the past.

Does you son live with you now? Has he ever been evaluated for the issues you are describing?

We are a bunch of compassionate parents here, struggling with many of the same struggles.

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