BPDFamily.com

I felt that I made great progress today as I met with an attorney and took some big steps towards my divorce... . however... .

This evening I'm back in the ole mindset of

Thinking about what she is doing

Thinking about how she just moved on seemingly without a thought of US

Wondering what she s telling her daughters about me ( I was particularly

close to one of them)

Fluctuating between anger and sadness and everything else... .

I find that sometimes I CAN stop myself by thinking about all of the toxcicity that the r/s held, the raging, the blame, the manipulation ... . and on and on and on... .

But tonight ... . nothing seems to be working

I'm not feeling strong at all... .

I wish I could just take what today brought and carry it forward... . but it's so damn hard. Ugh

I know what you mean... . earlier today I couldn't stop thinking about her and every time it did the hair on the back of my neck would stand up... . so I did the only thing I knew to do... . Call of duty... . It allowed me to have to use all of my faculties and made me stop for a while... . Till the break... . It is a decent distraction for me... .

 

From time to time - it happens.  You are human.  You are not a machine or a light switch.  Can't just turn on or turn off.  So give yourself some slack.  Detachment and getting to an acceptance point is not an event.  It's a journey.

I found the best thing which works for me is to let whatever is happening to me during those times happen.  That isn't to say let it ruin my day or keep me in the round robbing of thinking about it for days on end - but just let it happen.  If you feel... . then this means you are alive.

And, it's normal.

But there are tips and tools you can pick up which can help with ruminations.  I don't have the links off hand, but they are around here somewhere.  But most of all know this, we all have gone through exactly what you are going through.

And, it's normal.   |iiii

Thank you for writing.  I still have more moments like this than I care to admit.  But, when people have the courage to post here, I come to admit these things to myself.  And, somehow, I eventually stop beating myself up for ruminations.   I'm starting to learn that I can take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings.   My goal now is not to suppress or express emotions like anger, or fear, or shame.   These emotions teach me things.   

I read somewhere that ruminations, or repetitive thoughts, are fueled by "unresolved" situations, where the reality does not match expected or desired outcome.    The research suggested that rumination ends when one (1) attains or (2) abandons the goal.

Learning about BPD helps me stop thinking of my ex.   The relationship was filled with drama.   I was idealized and devalued.   I was mirrored and then triangulated.    The list could go on (and it does sometimes in my mind); however, I'm choosing to abandon (detach).

Now, my focus has turned on me.   What am I doing?  Why was I hooked?  What am I telling myself?

Thanks again for your post.  Keep writing.   Keep pushing through.

I agree. It's what I make of it each and every day. I choose it. But it can be hard. Sometimes I have to force myself to not think about her every second. And sometimes it's impossible. When that happens I just accept where I am at that particular moment and just feel it. I know to turn the radio off or know if I break down and cry, afterwards I will feel a whole lot better, and I usually find some peace within that everything is going to be okay.

But I can choose to be happy, content, and I can choose to let this swallow me whole. Never been one to admit defeat, which is why I probably drank as long as I did, but I no longer let her live rent free in my head. I know who I want to be today, and that is NOT who she had me believe I was for so long. She can't swallow me.

Besides I taste too bad! :)

Awesome outlook!

But you probably taste like chicken.   :)

From someone who has been in your shoes - I found that with every round that I took care of myself (hiring an attorney, getting her stuff out, opening my own checking accounts, signing up for something new and realizing I wouldn't be sharing it with her, etc)... . in the moment doing it, I felt free and empowered.

After, it was like a hangover - sadness, grief, lost

Taking steps to end it means it is over - and I really didn't get married for it to end in divorce... . so those steps as much as they are powerful, really do amplify the loss.

Take good care of you Cimbaruns - it won't feel like this forever, honestly.

,

SB

Thank you all for your replies... . so appreciated!

Santa

I think you nailed some of what maybe going on for me sub consciously ... . going forward with the divorce means engaging with her on some level... . and thinking about having to prepare for her reactions and craziness ... . well it's got me on edge! I am sure this is why I seemed to go back into the FOG somewhat after 3 months of trying to get some clarity with NC.

SB

It does feel like a hangover... . although I'm looking at it as 2 steps forward... . 1step back

Job. arn. WP. LG

Thanks for walking beside me so to speak ... . Reading your responses help a great deal

I tried to sit with all of it last night and just be with.it... . let it flow... .

I could release the anger I felt and I let the sadness just be... .

I realize I have to work on these ruminations... . but honestly... . it is because I have un finished work with her... . the divorce ... . so it will be a process

It's wonderful to be able to have this forum to post on... .

So many aspects of life are like that. We just have to push forward when we can & then if we slip a step back, just go with it, dont fight it. Remember that tomorrow is a new day  :)


I think that's a very healthy way to look at it. It will unfortunately be a process with some unpleasant parts, I hope it wont be too difficult for you.

I'm very happy for you that this forum is helping  :)