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I realized something just now as I read through an info board about attachment/detachment

If have read alot of stuff about it in the past too but... .

I felt alot of resistance to it and i always have

Its majorly uncomfortable for me

I realize I just don't want to detach from my current situation

There is something I get out of it.

Maybe its cause im just not there yet... . not ready right now.

Maybe in the past my resistance was for the same reason

Not sure... .

Im gonna spend some time with that.

Hello Corraline.  I want to affirm the work you are doing.  I, too, found myself "hooked" for many reasons.   Another poster, Seeking Balance, quoted Elizabeth Gilbert, and it resonated with me.   I thought my ex was my "soul mate" and I hung on for reasons of my own.  This quote made me think.   I share in case it speaks to you.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master... . ”

Thank you letting go

my girlfriend and i were talking about this too.

what a true soul mate is

im pretty sure she was quoting this exact material

i often think of the gift he has given me

painful but i know the gift is  showing  me where my deepest need and deepest fears are.

What I get from that definition of a soulmate (different from the standard definition most people would say) is that it is the one who mirrors the missing part of us so we may complete ourselves to make us whole. As a new, whole, and healthier person, we then able to find one with which to pair to make a sum greater thn its parts. We attract what we project.

You are onto something here Corraline.   This is exactly where I intend to go, into my deepest needs and deepest fears.   I hung on way too long to a bad relationship because I thought I needed it, and I feared losing it.  Now, without the FOG, I'm standing here with friends like you and realizing I needed only to reconnect with my reality, and myself.   The past, and other people, only have power over us if we cede that power.   If we choose to bring ourselves to the present moment, and we sort through the difficult emotions, we can free ourselves.   And we can be the people we want to attract.

You're going to feel this way for awhile. Once you've been away from the situation for a few months, you'll start to think more rationally about it though. Just give yourself some time to put things into perspective. You're still emotional about it.

You know it was a terrible situation and you know it's a wonderful thing to be out of it. Just give your heart a little time to catch up to your head.

I dont know how to cut and paste on my phone but i wanted to share a poem that helps me when im feeling alone

Its called "Everything is waiting for you"

By David Whyte

Youll have to google it if your interested

:)

Great poem Corraline!  Here's one for you, called "The Journey" by Mary Oliver.

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice—

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world

determined to do

the only thing you could do—

determined to save

the only life you could save.

Beautiful poem lettinggo14

Thank you for sharing it  :)

For me, it's called vulnerability.  I feel like I couldn't achieve it in my last r/s because of a combination of the abuse from my uBPD/NPD ex gf and most importantly because I was not living my "true self" remaining in that unhealthy r/s.  When I left the r/s and was able to be real with myself, and love and accept myself I unlocked that vulnerability.  I've found it essential for my r/s with myself and for a healthy r/s with others.  I was at a Paula Cole concert last night with a new special someone in my life and Paula sang a powerful song about love being the center of everything.  It was so raw and so real and so beautiful that I found myself crying.  I've done that a few times so far while I've been with this new person in my life.  It is scary and beautiful to feel vulnerability and even more so to let others see it.  Again, I stopped feeling it in my 3+ year dysfunctional r/s.  That was sad.  I know now that it starts with me and I'm so thankful I can feel it again!