BPDFamily.com

This is my first time posting to the Taking Personal Inventory board. I'm the soon-to-be step mom of two wonderful kids who's mom is uBPD. I've been helping their dad in his custody battle for about two years now and have heard many things first hand about the way his BPD ex treats people. His mom, him, her own kids, etc. It's been pretty rough to watch but I've never been personally triggered by her... . until now. But then, she's never spoken to me at all directly up until now.

I drove with DF's mom to go and get the kids for a visit. When we got to the meeting spot I was helping the kids get their bags and some boxes that were coming with us when their BPD mom picked up a box, handed it to me, and told me, "Now you can go wait over there." It was a direct order. Apparently, I don't take orders well. So I went and put the box down in the trunk and then went back to get the suitcase that was still sitting there. She blocked me, told me again to go wait by my car, and said, "I don't deal with you."

The rage. It's impossible to describe to you the rage I felt. Except to say that maybe I know something of the complete rage a pwBPD feels when under attack. So... . I smiled in her face, told her to grow up, and spun around and walked away, hips swaying in a provocative manner that was absolutely meant to remind her how much more physically attractive I am.

Utterly childish, petty, and not useful. Except that when she started talking to my back saying that she was grown up I turned back, still smirking, and looked at her. And she looked confused and possibly even a little scared. I guess up until now she hadn't taken my r/s with DF seriously and hasn't thought of me as a force of my own. Just one more person who would back down when she started bullying.

She said that I wasn't even supposed to be driving her children. Which isn't true. The parenting plan says any person who is known to both parents can pick up and drop off the kids. So, after she made her sick son, who had been throwing up, drag the heavy suitcase to my car, I made a big show of waiving goodbye to her, getting in my driver's seat, and driving off.

But I had to put the car on cruise control because I was shaking and enraged. While my DF's mom chatted happily with the kids, I sat there trying to look as relaxed as possible, but fuming on the inside.

I guess I just don't even know what to think. I had absolutely not expected to have that kind of strong reaction. I had expected to let anything she tried just roll off my back. I just wanted to share because I didn't see that coming and I feel like I'm a pretty decent expert on knowing my own feelings. Has anyone else been triggered by a BPD in a way that they didn't see coming?

Me, yesterday! Im sorry for your situation. Seems to me that dealing with them its a no-win one. You handled it well, you dont take orders, etc.

Im sorry you were fuming inside. Thats terrible. I know how it feels.

Just to give you some background on my story (Ill open a thread on it cause I really need help): yesterday I went to a building´s meeting. Dont know if its the right expression, but anyway, I have an apt that I rent, so there´s was the annual meeting to discuss what has to be done, what are the priorities, etc. Im under attack for 3 years. Yesterday they ganged up on me. 5 of them. It was terrible, I tried to keep my cool but in the end I was fuming and lost control.

The thing is, I knew it was coming. I had papers with me, I had talked with a lawyer. And yet, I couldnt take it.

I couldnt sleep last night and today had a nervous breakdown, even cried, which I rarely do.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, Im going through something similar and I need a better strategic plan. Wish you luck!

That woman is your man's ex, your soon to be step kid's mother, and someone your ex has been battling, so strong emotions could be present for you towards anyone in that place, BPD or not.  But yes, a sufferer of the disorder is truly suffering full time, and the facade they put up to affect an attachment is just that, a facade.  If there's no reason to try and affect an attachment with someone they can be their caustic selves and find sharing their personal hell with people easy.  My ex knew something was not right with her and was ashamed of it, so she'd turn on the sugar most of the time with people she didn't know, to try and get some external validation that she might be OK, as fictitious as it was, but with people she did know or were close to her in some way forget it.  She would rage at me in crowded restaurants without hesitation, and suggesting to her that it was trashy and lacked class only made it worse. 

Try reframing it as you were dealing with someone who is in massive pain all the time and will lash out because of it.  Imagine someone who has been physically injured and is bleeding; if they were rude and short with you, you would probably forgive them and not take it personally because the reason is obvious.  Not so obvious with a borderline because it's mental and they hide it well, but just as injured.  That way you can see you weren't dealing with an equal, and might not let it trigger you next time.

Hi Nope, Unfortunately those w/BPD have conflicts with just about everybody, usually because of their combative nature which covers up their huge insecurities.  If you are around a person w/BPD, it's only a matter of time, in my view, until you become the focus of their rage, for the reasons outlined by fromheeltoheal.  It doesn't make it any easier to deal with them, I know.  The best policy is usually not to engage with them, though sometimes it's unavoidable.  Keep your distance, if you can.  LuckyJim

Thanks for the support guys. This was literally the first time she even acknowledged my existence. This was, literally, our first ever conversation. When DF first introduced me to her over a year ago I smiled and I said, "Hi, I'm Nope, it's nice to meet you." She didn't say a word she just looked right through me like I wasn't even there. I've heard it called the blank stare. Since then I've been there with DF for pick ups and drop offs several times and have been completely ignored.

Fromheeltoheal, you make a great point about the fact that I totally lost sight of her pain. I found out today that her meeting with the GAL didn't go very well. She was probably standing there watching us take the kids for a visit and felt like she is losing them.

My DH's ex had left him 14 years before DH and I began our relationship.  He had not had a serious relationship during that time, and in her entitlement, she kept him engaged along with any boyfriend or live-in she might have.  Their daughter and grandaughter chose to live with him, so the ex came and went in what had been the family home, as Grandma.  All quite cordial, until I entered the picture.

I think she tried to be "cool" with it, knowing that everyone was well aware of her history and behavior over the years.  She knew she couldn't really say anything or act resentful or ugly about any relationship DH chose to have.

But really... . she just could NOT let go, and she could NOT remain cordial, and she could NOT let him start a new life that did not include daily contact with her.

It was a struggle, and I ended up with boundaries that protected the peace in our new home and protected me -- no visits to our home, no phone calls to our house phone.  If she needed to talk to him, she called his cell.  When she moved to Texas to live near the daughter's/grandaughter's new home, I simply chose never to see her -- no reason at that point.  We've run into each other one time at the daughter's house -- she was polite.

It works, for the most part.  She still called DH a few weeks ago and told him he needed to move to Texas, that she'd throw out her boyfriend and DH could live with her to help "take care" of their daughter/grandaughter (who, by the way, are 33 and 12 years old and quite capable of taking care of themselves).

Nope it was very interesting reading this. It kind of underscores for me how a person really can't understand what it's like dealing with a pwBPD unless they have direct experience with them being nasty. It's a very odd circumstance that you knew about her for so long, and about her issues but was never in a position to directly feel them. Perhaps this experience could give you some compassion for your husband and step-children for having to deal with this directly for *years* instead of just a few moments. All the things you mentioned having gone through ring so true in my head--blatant disrespect, controlling behavior, and then us having to suck it up and smile it off so that we don't look like the crazy person. I just avoid my xgf all the way, because I don't like having to act in ways in which i don't feel. For her acting the opposite of how she feels is a way of life--lying, being manipulative, etc. is second nature. And what's even tougher is that you'll never be able to truly express to her how you feel b/c it will just make the situation worse... . and subsequently make her feel 'better' for a job well done of getting under your skin. it's toxic, I know. as a previous poster said i think the best solution is to stay away as much as possible. also, keep your boundaries, never back down and if you want to swish your butt because it's sexier then you just do that and don't feel bad about it :) and give your husband an extra big hug--you now have a little more empathy for what he had to deal with in the past. this is how real it feels to all of us whenever they are around.

you felt her rage. my experience has been that pwBPD are often in-congruent, meaning that their facial expressions and outward appearance are often vastly different from how they feel inside. so our conscious brains may think "this person is fine" or even "they seem content", but our body/gut feels anxious for some reason and we may not consciously know why. for a while i thought i had anger issues during my r/s, but now i understand that i was simply a vessel picking up on deep seated anger/hate/fear of my partner. it's immaterial, but it's not mysterious. that energy lives in her and she passes it into others quite effectively.



this sounds spot on. as soon as she saw you as a threat; how attractive you really are or for any other random reason in her head, she started showing you her true colors. this is juuuuust the tip of the iceberg by the way. i think you handled it well, and furthermore you seem to have a good connection with your instincts and feeling--please always trust them. if you feel challenged, most likely you're being challenged. if you feel devalued, most likely this is going on. etc. being flustered or angry in these situations is normal at first while you adjust to her in-congruence. it is very odd, kind of like sometimes how a smiling clown can look like a sinister killer--this is incongruence,  . you sound like you have the tools and perspective to handle it like a champ though  :)

That is annoying and I understand that, but I'm warning you up front, as said, this is the mild end of the spectrum. It gets worse the closer you get and the more involved you get. Be wise and keep your distance as you planned. The more she knows about you, the more she will try to leverage it.

The worst part of BPD for us external people is the push-pull. One day you are on a pedestal and the person feels inferior, which is a reason to berate you or try to make friends again, and the next you are the bitter enemy because you triggered them in a way you weren't aware of and instead of owning, it they blame all of their feelings on you. (Though some people are more internal and do things like try to commit suicide at that point).

It sounds like she's the more external type... . she may even blame you for her divorce in her head. (I grew up with a mother of this type. She would often have semi-paranoid thoughts about other people which were not true and actually came from her own insecurities.)

If she gets treatment for the internal pain she is suffering, she may have a chance of getting better, but I would still keep your distance. You have that option... . one that wasn't given to me. So I highly recommend you take it.

Update.

I spoke to my future MIL about the part of my interaction with the kid's BPD mom that she saw. MIL has known the BPD for more than ten years and is also a retired psych nurse. So she was able to see quite a few things that I absolutely missed.

She heard a quiver in the BPD mom's voice and saw her legs shaking. Apparently when I turned away with the box she did a pushing away motion with her hands as if she couldn't possibly get me away from her fast enough.

So I guess the entire situation was all around triggering.

When we dropped the kids back off with her I got out of the car to say goodbye to the kids but I let their grandmother carry the bag over to BPD mom's car. BPD mom has always hated her ex MIL and never for one moment hid it. (A pwBPD hate a psych nurse? How shocking!) But from what she said when she got back to the car, I gather BPD mom was *thrilled* to be dealing with her instead of me.

So, that leaves me... . where? I guess I should just heed the warnings on this board and let her continue to pretend that I don't even exist. It's just weird for me, as a person who is still working on carving out a place in this new family, not to assert myself in some way.  :/

Hi Nope,

I feel for you, this is a really difficult situation to be in.  It's shocking and disturbing to be treated that way, especially since this is the first couple of times you've encountered her, and I know I would feel the same. I'm  sure you've studied the communication tools on this site, and I hope with time, you will feel steadier in her presence.  I hope you'll be able to keep your contact very minimal and still feel integrated into the family.  What do you think?

The quivering voice and shaky legs that your MIL witnessed seem to indicate that the ex wife is frightened of you.  It's heartbreaking what this disorder does.

This is very weird, and your feelings are really understandable.  It will definitely take some getting used to. We're here for you.   

 When N/BPDx is acting moderately disordered, I can see him as a badly behaving 5 or 6 year old, and somehow that makes it easier to tolerate. When he becomes highly disordered, I find it harder to maintain wise mind. Much easier to manage the disorder from a distance -- even though it's hard to see the effects on people you love, at least it isn't violating your personal or physical boundaries.

Also, a side note: Being able to be so honest and open about how you felt interacting with her, what it brought out in you -- that is going to go a long way in your marriage. Your ex never had that with bio mom, is my guess. Someone who could say, "Hey, I felt vulnerable when this happened, then I did this thing that made me feel like I wasn't being my best self, and I'm trying to figure out what was going on." It's a big deal to be able to do that. Especially for those of us who were in these relationships. We find someone emotionally healthy and we can't believe our luck  :)