BPDFamily.com

This is an email I sent to my mom (not sure if she is BP). She sent me a letter in my bday card a couple of days ago saying she is sad my uBPDsis and I aren't talking/getting along. I was in tears reading it because I just sent an email to uBPsis setting my boundaries and haven't heard from her. I am in NC with her and I am/was afraid of what my parents would think. I didn't want to tell my parents all this, but after my mom's letter, felt it was necessary.

This also sums up my situation... .

(I'm 34, uBPDsis is 32)


Mom,

I love you very much and I know you are hurting with what is going on between [Sister] and I. Unfortunately nothing YOU can do or say will "fix" things between her and I. [Sister] and I are the only ones who can TRY to make things better between us. I know your attempts for her and I to reconcile are coming from a good place. I just don't feel it actually helps matters. I got your card and read it the day before my birthday (when I got off the phone with you). I was in tears reading it... . out of frustration, not sadness. To be fair, you really don't understand what is going on or the battle of what to do/what not to do that is in my head. It was hard to have my birthday card become about that. Reading that letter came at a bad time unfortunately.

I don't know WHY [Sister] is the way she is. She just is. It doesn't mean she is "bad" or "wrong" (nor am I). Im not saying that. From a distance (the times she and I have lived states/lifestyles apart) I have been aware of things she chooses to do/say that are different than what I would do or say. I would try to not judge her on her decisions (although I feel bad for doing it sometimes). Our relationship is VERY different when we are enmeshed in each others lives more. For many many years, her and I have been in a cycle of extreme highs and lows. At the time I thought it was normal for siblings, but would FEEL like its not normal. I have been hurt deeply by her many times. If I had a friend do or say some of things she has done, I would not be friends with that person anymore. I am aware there are times I could have treated/reacted better to her as well. I can say with 100% confidence though, that I am aware of her twisting details of what happens in order for her to appear as the lone victim. Truth is a moving target with her. Facts change to fit her emotions. [My husband] and I have had to deal with this "floating truth" too much. It's exhausting to keep up with. I've had her lie right to my face about something that happened between her and I. I was there... . I know what happened, yet she somehow remembers FACTS so differently. I can't argue her feelings, those are never "wrong" they might just be misplaced. Please don't think I'm trying to make her look bad. I honestly feel she is a sad person with no solid sense of direction identity. She projects her own sadness and frustration on to others. It is why she has had a pattern of unstable jobs and relationships. I love her so much and want her to get help to cope better.

The reason I got frustrated with your letter was because I am right in the middle of one of her "I hate you, don't leave me" episodes where i look like the bad guy if i dont "put it behind me". This has been the cycle. Be horribly mean and nasty, then come around (hoping to wipe the slate clean), not acknowledge anything she did, and go back as if nothing happened... . only for it to happen again sometime in the future. We had not been speaking since Sept when all this crap happened (I STILL don't know why she treated us the way she did). In January I received a letter from her. I THOUGHT it would be an apology of sorts or an explanation. It wasn't. Instead it was about 5-6 pages of her criticizing, judging, belittling me. It was hurtful and nasty with not one apology. This really opened my eyes. I took time to reply back explaining, from my end, why I have felt the way I have. Hoping to give her a better understanding of why I was upset with her. I then addressed her letter. I defended myself, quoting her original mean statements. I made sure to not say anything mean for the sake of just being mean. I feel it's necessary to tell you this because she makes it seem like "poor [Sister]. Always the victim". I'm tired of her making it seem like I'm "too hard on her". I have both our letters as proof that she was nasty and I kept my response civil.

A couple of weeks ago she emailed me. She did not apologize (she did say she didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but that is NOT an apology). On the surface it would appear she was extending the ol' olive branch. She said she misses me and hopes we can be "friends". (we are sisters... . don't understand this "friends" talk). She said she is moving out of the state within the year and hoped we could start talking/hanging out since she's leaving. This pissed me off since she originally wanted to live with us to spend time before moving, then acted impulsively moving in with [her boyfriend] (who she only knew 2-3months). I reached out to her before the holidays. It was HER who blew me off through the holidays! Now she wants us to rush back into a relationship before she leaves. I'm sorry... . this seems rushed and irrational to me. In her email she said it would be best to "wash away all the bad stuff" and "start over". This is not a case of forgive and forget to me. I replied to her a few days later. This was my email:

    [/i]



Now, I haven't gotten a reply yet. I feel like I am fairly loving her AND myself. I'm sure she will spin this to somehow make it look like i was not open to resolving things and for her look like a victim.  This is what I am so exhausted and frustrated with! I should not have to explain or defend myself but I'm afraid that you will get pulled into her victim roll and not understand why I choose to keep my distance from her. My health and happiness are important. I am trying my best to keep negative/unhealthy energies at bay. If [Sister] and my relationship can't find a consistent healthy balance, I have to keep it at arms length. I'm not asking you to "pick sides". I'm just asking you to love and support me and my decisions, whether you agree or not. I know this wasn't easy to read. Just realize if it hurts to READ about your daughters dealing with this hurt, just think how bad it hurts to be LIVING with it. I feel like I've lost my sister and I don't want to feel like I'll lose you too. I feel like [Sister] and I can each keep a good relationship with you if you don't try to mend what her and I need to try to mend.

I love you very much. I am sorry you are hurting over this. Hopefully [Sister] and I can have a healthier future together at some point.

If you can relate, can you please respond? I am reaching out to others with bpdfamily especially BPsisters. :-(

I feel lost and unsure... .

Hi missmyseester  

I can definitely relate. I have an uBPD sister and also an uBPD mother. Writing these letters must have been difficult but I think you've done a great job in expressing how you feel. There is no right or wrong way to do this, unfortunately we aren't borne with the skills to handle BPD relatives so we just gotta learn on the job. Both your mother and sister might not like or agree with certain elements of your letters, but it's clear that you're fed up and want a change. You've clearly communicated certain boundaries and that it's only possible for you to have a relationship with your sister if she respects them. You gotta take care of yourself and your own emotional and mental wellbeing so I really understand where you're coming from. Have you gotten a response from your sister yet?

Thanks for responding |iiii I was starting to give up hope on these boards as I felt no support :-(

As of today (a week later) I have not heard from my sister. Mom surprisingly responded saying she understands and supports me.

I think your letter to uBPDs is wonderfully written. I am tempted to copy and edit it for my uBPDs... . but I know it would not be received the way I intended. I have handled my situation much the same as u have. We are NC or vlc but she  has agreed to counseling... . when I go to visit(my brother & my cousins) this summer. we live 1200 miles from each other. She would not agree to counseling via Skype.

She agreed to counseling 4 yrs. ago but then she bailed out of it b4 I got there. so I don't know if we will actually do it.

  I am anxious to hear if your sister replies. Mine always replies quickly... .

wishing you well

Thank you for that. I just got an email from her. Needless to say, I am so flippin' frustrated! She said she was upset I assumed she would reply angrily. She made sure to include that I have said hurtful things to her (putting guilt back on me). uBPDsis went on to say that she still doesn't think we should talk about the past in order to "not drudge up" any negative feelings. She said she wants to meet up to hangout/chitchat and only if things don't go well, will she maybe consider counseling.

Ugh! I'm so torn with what to do! Do I just agree to meet with her, not sharing anything deep/personal, and see how it feels? Or do I come across as a cold not-willing-to-compromise stubborn mule and stand my ground about getting her to agree to talking/therapy? My heart says her and I NEED to talk about this, but I know her response won't be pretty... .

I can see that you are really trying to resolve the conflicts with your sister and your mom. Everyone wants to get along with their family, and I can tell you care about working things out. I think it is important to understand your values and boundaries as you decide what to do next. It is also good to keep in mind that you don't have the ability to change your sister--you can't make her get help, you can't make her see your point of view. What you can do on your end is practice using validation to communicate, and make sure you are honoring your own boundaries.

We have some excellent tools here that can help with those things. I learned a lot from these three workshops and still re-read them from time to time. Can you take a look? I'd be interested to hear if you see anything that you might be able to apply to your situation.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict)

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries)

Radical Acceptance for family members (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0)

Wishing you peace,

PF

Thank you PF :-) I will definitely look into these!