BPDFamily.com

So it was my birthday and I got two gigantic bouquets of flowers, from my uBPD mom and dad (divorced for 20+ years but obviously in some kind of communication now), which looks great to all my coworkers, but of course, isn't.   So I just could use some validation from other people who know what the other side of that scenario looks like, or for ya'll to gently tell me I am overreacting.

First point -- I went no contact with my dad over 20 years ago and NC with my mom about 4 years ago.  We move every few years due to DH's job and we are far away from where they live.  I haven't given them my address and it creeped me out that they could even find where I work. 

Second point -- if you knew someone didn't want to have any contact with you, would you really want to send them a big showy bouquet on their birthday at work?  Several people who saw the flowers (.which i put in a closet once I realized what they were),being friendly, said, "what beautiful flowers!  Did your husband send them?"  So I had to either lie or explain, but happily I have worked with most of these people for awhile, and I felt comfortable saying, "no, actually,they are from a long lost family member that I wish would stay long lost.  It really creeps me out that they sent them."   Because either my parents were soo clueless that they didn't realize the position it put me in, or they totally were aware and thought they would  do it anyways.  I thought it was completely passive aggressive of them.

To top it off, my oldest child recently got a Facebook account, which he rarely uses but got because most of his sports team was on it.  They found him and asked to "friend," and he showed me and asked, "should I Just ignore it?"  I said, "yes... . I can explain more if you want."  (But he declined).  Now, if I have gone NC, do they again not realize that puts my child in an awkward position?  Or again, I suspect they are just being self-righteous and wanting to ignore boundaries. 

Anyways, I am very irritated about the whole thing, but I did not let it ruin the rest of my day, didn't mention it to anyone who hadn't seen the flowers, waited until the next day to talk to DH so it wouldn't be a cloud over our dinner out together, and I am firm on staying NC... . But ask am completely doubting my objectivity here.  Was it a gesture of reconciliation, or just more passive-aggressive BPD crap?

Hi Lights

So... . I'll attempt to put myself in your shoes, and the first thing I'd ask myself is:

"Was the NC clearly communicated to both of them? Do they know that I want NC and there's been no change from my end?"

If the answer to that question is YES, then I'd go to:

"Wow they know I want NC and they approach my child, who is still living at home [BTW is this true? I'm guessing], without telling me about it, which is inappropriate and creepy."

That's all I'd need to know, and I'd interpret the flowers in that light -- ie, another aspect of passive-aggressive, or denial (maybe it's an attempt at reconciliation, but a dysfunctional one).

OTOH, if there's a chance that they don't know that you want NC... . it gets more complicated.

Of course, if they both have PDs, then they can conveniently forget things that aren't convenient for them... . and that would lead to other questions about how often they've shown that kind of behavior in the past, and what your tolerance for that is, and how you dealt with it last time.

Or, in other words, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.  :)

Hope that's of some help... . feel free to fill in more details... .

Hi Lights!

I'm gonna go with creepy, passive-aggressive, and inappropriate. If they had wanted to reconcile, wouldn't they send you a letter or call you and have a conversation? That's how I'd go about reconciling if I genuinely wanted to make things right. I get the random floral statement in a certain way, but to send it to your place of business is pretty ballsy when nothing else has been said between you for years. Nothing says "I'm stalking you" like a bunch of flowers that you must showcase to your co-workers. I bet you felt pretty awkward... . not exactly the best birthday feeling.

That being said, I would probably be expecting more passive-aggressive attempts at reconciliation down the line here, as even though it's out of the blue, they clearly want your attention and are even willing to hook your son into it without much care as to how it would make him feel. 

Thank you!  It does make me feel creeped out.  I feel better hearing other people say it sounds creepy.  They totally know I do not want contact -- goodness, it has been years now -- and these horrible attempts at reconnecting on their part only reinforce my belief that they lack judgment.