BPDFamily.com

My stbxuBPDw moved out two fridays ago - this is something that has needed to happen for months now.  Within two days I felt fantastic - very free, like a weight was gone.  I had a wonderful week, just felt lighter than I had in years.  My birthday was this past weekend and I threw a party at my house; first time in ages that I've had guests over and just had a blowout!  It was a wonderful time, lots of drinks and laughs.  Woke up yesterday missing her horribly and now it won't go away!  I know this stuff is going to happen, and I know I'll bounce right out of it; but being in my house all alone just doesn't feel right.  And having a party without her just didn't feel right.  Like a piece of me is missing.  I know this has to happen and I know this is healthy for me in the long run (immediately for that matter!) but I just can't shake that nagging feeling!  I think it's because for the 2 years we dated, it was wonderful.  Best time of my adult life!  I miss that so bad.  However, immediately upon being married and her moving in, things changed.  It really was an entirely different person.  So abusive on a verbal and emotional level, and on a couple occasions, a physical level.  There's that part of me that wishes we would've never gotten married and I could have continued to live in ignorance :)  Without a doubt it would've reared it's ugly head sooner or later; I truly believe the marriage just triggered her more quickly; I immediately turned into the father figure and her the bratty teenager.  Bad combo.  We were just living out her childhood all over again.

I miss her greatly.  And I know that's ok.  And I know that here in a day or two I'm going to be fine, as usual.  But right now?  It kind of sucks. 

Sorry you are having a tough time TS  ... . you seem aware this low would happen - it really is a part of the grief process.  Let yourself have the time to process the emotions as they come up in the time that it takes.

I agree - it does suck when you are in it - hang in there.

Happy Belated Bday!

Peace,

SB

Two weeks out of very, very fresh wounds and a different life -- Yes, you are in the thick of the grieving process.  It hurts.  As poorly as I was treated by my ex, last summer when I was having wonderful days at a lake cabin with friends I had to stifle the feeling that, "Ex would have sure loved this."  But it never does any good to stifle feelings, even if they are painful.  The pain of the empty space they left will ebb and flow for awhile... . just seems to be the way it is, and there is no way over it, gotta go through it. 

Keep talking, and yes, hang in there.

TS -

Cheers for your Birthday friend! I'm sorry you have to feel so shtty around a special time of the year. I feel for you. My uBPDexgf and I were a month apart in age and shared a special month for both our birthdays. I don't look forward to when that time comes; however, like you said "I'll be fine."

Stjarna -

So many times in the past couple of months I've been in situations and have said the same thing to myself "ex would have sure loved this." And I would have loved to share it with her. That's one of the hardest parts of this whole detaching thing. Our lives become so enmeshed that it's a constant battle to let go.

Down - Thank you friend!  My uBPDw and I both share March birthdays as well; bad time of the year to be moving out I suppose :)  I just keep telling myself it's a small bump in the road of life; I'm only 33 and have plenty of years ahead of me.  Doesn't make it a ton easier at the moment but at least it provides some perspective!