BPDFamily.com

I was struggling the last couple of weeks when I found out my uBPDexgf was still in a r/s with my replacement 6+ months after we b/u - longer than any go-around between us. I started to think that she didn't have BPD traits and that it was I who was responsible for most of the dysfunction in the r/s. However, as I continue to read the threads on this site, I find it fascinating how many common themes keep popping up between all of our relationships with those we believe to have BPD or actually have BPD. The words that are spoken, the acts they engage in, the silence, the raging, the cheating, the Triangulation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0), the projection, the mirroring, it's like they're all the same people! Another thing I noticed is that many of our BPD exes are extremely attractive people. For me, I consider my uBPDexgf to be one of the most beautiful women in the world. I haven't seen her for almost a year and yet, I'm still extremely attracted to her. Every woman I've dated since just doesn't come close. Now, I'm not sure if she would be considered objectively more attractive than some of the women I've dated recently, but for me, no one compares.

It made me wonder, does something about being attractive make pwBPD exhibit BPD traits? I know that the root of BPD has a lot to do with the parental relationships, especially mother; however, I think the BPD-created emotional defense mechanisms become the easy choice for those that are more attractive and can find replacements much more quickly. Any thoughts?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder... . idealization in a lonely person makes anyone seem very attractive.


Perhaps you are not ready to date yet emotionally.  If physical beauty is what you put on the top of your list in what you are looking for - this may be very tough to overcome.


Interesting that OUR attraction to a pwBPD is also rooted in our FOO relationships too - wouldn't you say?

It is no secret in US culture that those considered physically attractive get away with more "socially poor behavior" and even make more money - there is data supporting this.

Besides your ex's physical attractiveness - what was it that she had that you really found yourself attached to?

Yes, it is interesting because I've thought about the fact that the women in my family with whom I've been around my entire life (mother, sisters, aunts) and have deep connections with are all physically attractive. Unfortunately, physical beauty is pretty important to me and maybe those familial r/s are the reason.

Besides my ex's physical attractiveness, I was extremely attracted to her culture. I felt that a fusion of my culture and hers would make for unbelievably cultured children. Not only are we from different cultures, but different parts of the country and our children would be inherently more cultured to begin with. That is something I considered an "ideal." I want my children to appreciate the beauty of life and all of our differences. Another thing that attracted me to her was her drive to succeed. She was very motivated and took charge of the things she was doing. She started a business that she had been discussing for some time and did everything to at least put that business on the road to success. I was extremely attracted to that. Again, the women in my family are very independent and motivated and this was attractive to me. Finally, what attracted me to her was her depth. However, I'm starting to reconsider that one because I'm not sure she was actually as deep as she pretended to be. She told me many times that I was too intense because of my own depth and that she couldn't feel ever feel that way.

I applaud your honesty in why you were attracted and the FOO roots.

So, you liked her culture, she was beautiful and ambitious... . let's look at her values and the internal aspects - anything there you like?

What didn't you like?

Now that's a loaded question!  

I'm not even sure what her values are, but I could tell you what I thought they were. I thought that she considered honesty to be paramount and that trust had to be earned. I appreciated that because I'm very honest, sometimes to a fault, and I am very cautious. She was very family-oriented and so am I; however, I noticed that she tried to avoid her family or she would talk bad about family members to me and I wonder if she was as family-oriented as she appeared. She also claimed that she was all about building our r/s. We spoke nostalgically and romantically about the past and our grandparents' relationships and how they endured through the most troubling times, but true love was worth fighting for and giving up was for the weak. Irrespective of these conversations, I realize now that she was a liar. She didn't have those same values about relationships that I had. If what she said was true, we would have fought through the adversity we faced. At the first chance, she found a replacement for me.

I didn't like that she was not trusting of me, even though I gave her every reason in the world to trust me. I hated that she wanted to know my every move and would get extremely irritated if there was something I failed to mention to her (trivial stuff). She got angry because I went to party with some buddies from college telling me that "only single people do that," while I told her to enjoy her own life and not have to worry about asking me permission to go out with her friends. She wanted space, but was so suffocating at times. She wanted space, but when she got it it was interpreted as me not caring. Her inconsistency with EVERYTHING was outrageous. Her inability to care about my feelings as much as she pretended to. The list goes on and on. But for some reason, the good made all the bad things seem trivial to me. Now I realize they were all red flags.

So, this is the leaving board - detaching, is the goal right?

Your original question was in an effort to help detach, isn't that your goal?

Where do you think you are in the stages - look to the right hand column?

How do you feel realizing you didn't even know her values, yet you are holding her up as the ideal woman that you are attracted to?

Detaching is definitely the goal. I feel like I've been through stages 1-4, but fluctuate between some of them at different times. I certainly have completed stage 1, I've acknowledged everything I've felt and what occurred. I continue to work through stages 2-3. Im in the process of stage 4. Although I haven't completely felt free from pain when thinking about my loss, I feel like I've made great progress with Stage 5.

I feel like a fool realizing that the person who I let her pretend to be is the person I still think she is. I actually pride myself on being able to gauge people's personalities and intentions - my career requires it. Then, in my love life, I get had and give up a great deal of myself for someone who was just pretending. And now, the relationship is over and gone forever, but yet I still feel like this woman is the one I'm supposed to be with. It's extremely confusing.

Down & Out,

I want to challenge your thinking a bit - realizing you are not even sure what her values are - wouldn't that be acknowledgment - I mean, a seriously very powerful acknowledgment.

You started this thread by saying you were attracted to her like no other and yet, you were attracted to external (beauty, potential kid attractiveness) - not even sure the emotional was real... . how do you feel about that in her and more importantly how do you feel about that in yourself?

The stages of detachment are not linear and as each new realization comes up, I found it helpful to use the phases to work through it.

Not sure if this makes sense to you or not, but for you to change you would have to challenge your own belief system... . not quite as simple as pretty girl = attraction any longer.

SB