BPDFamily.com

So I have described in recent posts about how my BPDw has ran away from our church.  She accusing me of "Taking their side" and "NEVER loving her and NEVER protecting her" because I dissagree with the way/reason she left.  I am really good friends with all of the people she has painted black.  This is not the first time, and I dont believe it to be the last time. 

We have been married for over 13 years but because I am in the military we are never at a church for more than 3 years or so.  it didnt even became clear to me that she has always had "issues" with the women at all of these churches throughout the time there, but mostly at the tail end of our 3 years.  Only now have we been in one over 3 years.  Coupled with the death of her stepfather(since 6) she has turned away from our church family and has used it as an insult to me that I am staying in a "dead" church and that the depth of my spirituality is in question.

The new church she is going to is great(honestly it is) has all sorts of loving people(for now) and great programs and is closer.  But I am involved in ministries at the other church and love the people there(A lot of active and former military).  I have not been lead to leave our church.  She was refusing to go back to a therapist "A counselor is not going to change who I am and they certainly are not going to do me any good" and made many excuses as to why we cant go. 

I compromised and said that if she goes I will go to the new church.  I made it all happen scheduling wise, but she says that we HAVE to have couples sessions because that way I cant bad mouth her and tell the therapist lies about her.  If she is so entrentched in her BPD'ness am I just making a mistake?  I feel like I am giving SOO much up for the hope of what may be nothing 2 years down the road all the while having to ditch relationships I have had for 4+ years.

We were in therapy for almost 2 years separately, but it just seemed to mask the issues to everybody else that knew of the BPD tendencies.  But I told them I could still see it in her in ALL of the little everyday things but was hopefull.  Our therapist suddenly died of a heart attack and she reacted to his death soo poorly as to even stand up and speak at his funeral making it sound as if SHE had lost soo much.  All the while the wife and two boys are sitting there.  I felt embarrassed and horrified. 

Should I reconsider my decision to leave my church?  I do not support her leaving, but am not going to stop her from going to a good church even if I think the reasoning is wrong.  I want to go to my church on Sundays, but im willing go with her to bible study & wed service.  This made her flip out at me.  I know it’s an all or nothing thing, black or white, on or off.  But should I stick to my guns?  Spiritually/faith speaking I believe and have been reassured from pastors of BOTH churches that I am in right standing on  wanting to stay at my church.  I don’t know?  I wish I could get a moment of clarity from her, a mere day with the real woman under all for the pain and confusion.  But every rage reminds me of all of her bad decisions, the cheating, lying, spending. Anybody here have a similar situation they can shed some light on for me?     

Hi reluctanthusband,

living with a pwBPD does require sometimes compromises but on the other hand let's not forget that often with a compromise no side is happy. Besides a person prone to b&w thinking will rarely be even content with a compromise.



It is her decision what to she does. I would just be careful not to severe any link to a support system that has helped you in the past and kept you sane. Leaving it will make you more vulnerable. Doing always the same what your wife does makes your wife more prone to anger outbursts.