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I had a bad day today.   Started a chat conversation with my boyfriend that started to trigger a lot of sobbing from my end of it. Ive been tempted to say,  when will I ever learn. Ive been putting myself down most of the morning for expressing some hurt feelings Ive had in regards to his new definition of who I am to him now. Aside from this subject hes been telling me he loves me and talking about me coming to see him in the future, etc.etc.

                      But ever since Ive been splitted by him or flawed, he isnt as considerate. he takes his time answering my messages,  the other night he kept me waiting for his reply for 10 minutes,  when he finally came back I mentioned something about it and he was like oh , I had to do the wash or what ever,  and didnt even apologize.  It was just like matter of fact so what about you.  If he were to have told me what he needed to do,  it wouldnt have been a problem.  He seems to lack consideration now and I often wonder what this is all about.

                       Then,   on that same night,  I was feeling alittle down and he did the sweetest thing for me.  He posted this picture of one of the cutest kittens Ive even seen.  I love cats.  This brought me up right away.  I felt much better,  then about 5 seconds later out of the clear blue he says he has something else I want to show you,  so I clicked on his page and it was one most the most horrifying things Ive ever seen. It was of this gadiator holding up the skeliton remains of his victim,  stripped of all flesh, as he holding it up in the air with some joke type comment accompaning it.   I couldnt believe what I was seeing!  He thought this was real funny of course and was quite amused by it.  He attributed it to some Hamlet scene with a dead joker pulled from its grave.     Im sorry but I was mortified and pretended to go along with his amusement ever so slightly. if I said it was disgusting , I was afraid it would get him all mad.

                       Ive been bothered because he has this female FB friend who is really into these dark images of things, who shows him these sites where he can get them from.  You know,the man is 55 years old, whats up with that?   I was shocked at the time and transition between this adorable baby kitten to help me feel better, and then Bam!   this image. It was terrifying.  :)o you think he was just not thinking, being impulsive? Was it intentional?  All I know is that scary image triggered something in me because this morning I was feeling really emotional and hurt by him all over again,  like it was when he split on me.  he used to allways chat with me in the morning before I went to work,  and ever since our horror show fight he doesnt do this anymore.  I asked him why? I said I was kind of hurt by this but I understood if hes bussy and doesnt feel comfortable doing this any more it was ok.  He made up a stupid excuse. I accepted it. What can I do.    And then my feelings got worse.     I was soo sad.   That he could act so callously about how he feels about me and about my own feelings, period.    

            I brought up some pretty valid points that when two people argue its not just a one way street. I told him it take two to tango. But still he had to say:  "I didnt do anything wrong,  you were the one who went mad!"  I figure,  hes not all there to say this. He "wants"  to believe this, I guess because he just so emotional fragile he cant deal with it.  I think its mean.  I mean, it hits me as being really mean to me. And so the conversation went on a bit longer on and off in the morning, and all I coud to with a majority of his replies is cry.

              He even went on with this Gal by saying:   I dont love you the same way you love me. Im sorry, this is just the way I feel, nothing can change this.     And I said, Yes you can change this. and said no more.

But the issue with this statement is that orginally it really hurt me. I mean "hurt" me.  But then I sat back from it  and thought, wait a minute... . What makes him soo sure he really knows how I feel about him.  The truth is, he hasnt a clue.  I know hes got BPD and the chances of a real future together are close to nill. At least with the way hes been going on recently. Ive been fallin out of love with him more and more as time goes by, because of this very kind of arrogance.  

             So, I finally ended my talk to him or with him, at one point he just bugged out and wouldnt answer me,leaving me insecure about what I had to say. I didnt know,  is he mad,  is he glad, is he indiffernce, is he a clown.    This is what he does, I think when he needs to be in control.  I decided that I needed to be alone and not have any more conversations with him for a while.  I was feeling very emotional,still hurt and tired over other isues in my life and that I needed a break.   He came back like it was no big deal,  Ok dear... no worries  he said. You know, like it doesnt matter to me if you come or go,  or fall in a black hole.  lol  oh My God...

            I told him I felt triggered by that dark picture incident too. I said it scared me, and that this might be what has triggered me to feel bad about the way things are now.  He never cared enough to say he was sorry, or that he didnt mean to shock me.  I got no response in reference to that at all. And so this has lead me to believe that my feelings dont matter at all.-and then I started crying again over my computer. Basket case! It was a real party.     I ended up feeling like I must have BPD.  He last lovely, loving statement to me was: I think youve said enough for one day. It was expressed in an invoking way as if I should be  ashamed of myself for telling him how I feel. Some how Im a bad person because I told him how I feel and what my thoughts were on certain things.   I should be ashamed.  

                    My higher self knows better.   So,  Im taking a break.  A week, maybe two.  I dont know. I dont really care right now.   When I get these really bad depressive feelings due to his responses to me,  its time to stay away from him. +  This is the healthiest thing Ive said today. +  Thanks for listening guys.   much appreciated.   :'(

                                                 

P.S.     I dont have BPD.  I saw a psychiatrist last week. Ive been evaluated.  I'm fine.       

Also,   I need a little advise at the moment.  I told him I needed time to be alone. I feel like he treated me like a d**k  all day on chat.   Im unhappy, but not as depressed now, Im feeling better.  I posted some really positive things on FB and got some comments from some other male artist I know.  And low and behold Mr. Whose Been Making Me Unhappy,, sends me a message, and says " I dont want to sound daft,but did you have a good day today?  end quote.      Im not the kind of person who gives silents treatments. I dont do that,   but I told him I needed to be left alone.  Hes mean to me all day and then he wants to chat?

                I need a pep talk really bad right now because Im not answering him and this is really hard for me. I dont think I should answer him.  Im so stressed out from today and the silent stuff he did to me.  It sounds like hes worried of losing me now doesnt it.  Ive never really ignored him before.  This is hard. I dont know if hes testing me or waiting to draw me in to pounce his cold cold words on me again. I need help with this to be strong.       Thanks

                       

That sounds like a bad situation alright-- has he been assessed or diagnosed, or did you just notice his BPD-like traits? They can be pretty confusing to deal with. I've been married for 37 years, recently separated, and it's the on again off again thing that gets me every time. there are these lovely fun times we've had together, and then these seemingly unhinged times where everything bad in the universe is my fault. so difficult to live that way for an extended period.

What is important to you in a relationship? If you value safety and honesty then you need to evaluate this r/s from those standpoints. Is it safe to voice your feelings in a non-threatening way, or does he make it emotionally expensive if you do? Do you feel you can give an honest opinion or are you afraid of what his reaction will be so you downplay your own feelings? And how do those things make you feel? Is that what you want long-term?

Maybe you could write down some things you value in a r/s and measure this one up against that list. could help! 

Thanks for your reply,       


              The answer to your question about feeling I can freely voice my opinion is,  is no,  I dont feel I can anymore.   Its like I said,  he tried to shame me this last time. Like I said, still blaming me for the incedent where he split on me.  He said I went Mad! on him!  and I replied, Well you did too.  and after that he just quit on me and said,  good bye,real snotting like,   then the subject was closed.    This is was the first time I brought this subject up since the problem about 2 months ago.  I thought we could reasonbly talk about it now.  We cant. or he cant.           

                I dont like the way hes making me feel about myself. and so instead of just complaining about this Ive gone into no contact again.   ya. I guess I all ready said that I needed time alone and so Im taking it now.


                                             It was interesting, he said it was no problem, no worries, which bothered me because it made me feel like he could care less if I was around or not.   Ive decided its time for me to wise up. The next day after not answering him he changed his profile picture to the wierdest most obscure thing, you couldnt even make out what it was.  Then he used to have his favorite kind of dog in the back ground, he changed that to a stone road, thats all you saw, just rows of stones. Truely bizarre in my book, but to each his own.             


                  Im working on myself now.  Reading this book "Feeling Good" about cognitive therapy. Its helping. All I know is that I have allowed myself to get so wound up that I havent even been in touch with myself enough to know how I really feel about anything.   The first day not talking to him was tough,  but its getting easier now.  Last night I sat and wrote in my journal and realized that I didnt want to talk to him and I felt safe being away from his contact, not anxious.  safe.  I turned my computer off and closed the lid and felt,  There's no way he can get to me now.  It was a relief.   I feel Ive been so busy absorbing all these feelings that really belong to him,  Ive lost myself in a sense.   So now, Im slowing down, reading this book and really working at centering myself.     

"No Contact" is for protecting yourself from further abuse while you heal and put it all into perspective. He knows you too well... . the kitten followed by the gladiator -  he really got you there. While you're mortified he is proud of himself. He picks you up and brings you down with one mouse click. Rather like a cat tormenting a mouse before the decapitation.

These people are cruel and its best to keep them out of your life. Good luck.

Yes, Ozzie,  Im starting to see that now.   Im dealing with a little boy. Im in no contact now and Ive been waiting around for him to come around as my emotional investments towards him start to dwindle away by the day.

                                                          All I wanted was for him to take some responsibility for himself and stop acting like a baby by trying to put all the blame on me.  I feel this need to finally send him one last Declaration where I will free myself of his constraints and just tell him out right what I really think his problem is.

                        Im tired of having the obvious denied to me by him and mostly by myself.  The obvious is that this relationship will never go anywhere.  He will not seek help.  As far as I'm concerned, all he is doing now is having me as someone he can play with on line for his own means, not mine.

                                  My life is changing. I'm doing positive things to change my life for the better.  He's doing the same things he has all ways been doing; seeking out people who will give attention to him, spounging money off his family and friends,and all the tax payers in his country, all ways complaining about his situation but never doing anything about it. Placing blame on everyone and everything except himself.

        + It's interesting but the friends he relates to on line, I think are BPD's too  but he doesnt know it. He seems to be attracted to these dark side of things as Ive mentioned and I dont like it. This kind of interest isnt anything like me. It makes me really angry that hes waited this long to show this side of himself.  I hate him for it and I'd love to tell him this.    I'd like to say it out loud that I know hes a sadistic creep and that the last month or so all hes been doing is feeding off my emotions and getting  a power trip off it.

Im in no contact again and more I quietly observe the stuff he puts on his FB page the stronger and closer to myself I get.  I realize that I'M OK. very ok... . to feel the way I do.                                                                                         

Goingtostopthis

Welcome.

You are already pretty insightful where your bf is concerned.  If he has BPD, it is a devastating mental disorder that torments everyone who cares about him.  You need to understand that his "games", irresponsibility, and desire to demean people is part of that.  Even when diagnosed, it is difficult to get pwBPD to understand they are ill. Everyone else is sick BUT them.  This also makes treatment very difficult.  Bpd is a personality disorder.  It is a significant part of who they are and will not just go away.

Your best tool for self-happiness would be to distance yourself from your bf.  Repeatedly tormenting and hurting someone you are supposed to love or care for, is not acceptable.  Stay off his fb.  It can be used as a weapon. 

Block him if you need to.  Cell phone too.

Most of all, DO NOT relate your self-esteem to what he is telling you.  He is trying to make himself feel better by belittling you.  You do not need that.  See it for what it really is.

Are you better off with him or without him?  That is the real question.

                       I have been going through a detachment stage now.  What I mean is that Ive been too busy hanging onto the illusion of him or the illusion of how I want him to be. Ive watched him on FB a bit for a reason. The reason is that he's revealing himself right now for who he really is, or what he is now, it doesnt matter ,either way,   I need to drive this home to myself and accept this reality. With in this illness of his, he is not a very nice person. Ill do what I have to do to get this through my head and stop pretending to myself.

                                 He thinks he can say anything he wants to hurt my feelings and get away with it.  He thinks he can act like a big authoritarian while putting me down,  dis regarding my feelings, while trying to shame me and hulmiliate me out of my own feelings any time he wants. He's denieghing not only "my" reality but reality as it is accepted objectively by everyone in this world. He's a crazy maker.   

                         Its really weird, its like hes been treating me like bad little girl and he likes it.  I am not here on this forum just for myself. As I heal myself from this I hope to help others find their path to healing too, because there is not "just"  one way.  From my observations he is treating me like someone treated him growing up ( his parents most likely) and now he is taking on his abuser's role and getting  a lot of satisfaction dishing this down onto me. Now,  he feels like a grown up and Ive been pushed in to this abused child mode, but he cant be this sick disgusting! grown up if he doesnt have me to be it to.  And if I accept this kind of treatment I am supporting his illness.

                         At least for myself there is a part of my brain that wants to go on pretending or hanging onto to what was in the beginning. He just told me in the middle of one of his abusive talk downs to me that he will all ways love me. This was last week. Love me?  he means he will all ways want to be able to use me to support this sick fantasy of himself, for ever.   He cant get any self esteem any other way. Well, hes going to have to because Im going to be gone.  Im in the process of finding a new social network. Im in the process of doing a lot of new things, what ever it takes to get my self un hooked from this guys night mere, because it isnt mine, its his.

               The truth is,  if there is any chance!  any chance! that this guy will ever get help,  its will never happen with me being around absorbing his BS. I know Im important to him and he can be alone and if this doesnt wake him up,  then it doesnt. He's wicked sick in the fullest sense of the word and I do not want to pretend anymore or rationalize away that what Im seeing or what Im reading isnt really what it looks like,just because its coming from him,  oh it cant be,   hes my honey.   it is.  Time for me to get a grip.  If he cant grow up I know I certainly am.         

I'm assuming that this thread has gotten pretty old and I kind of doubt I will get anymore answers unless I start a new thread, but I'd like to up date on how I am feelings anyways.


                                                I know in the last month Ive been pretty angry. Ive really been having a hard time accepting that my boyfriend has this disorder. I was really hoping we could have a future together. I think this has been one of the hardest parts of this, accepting this reality and knowing that I have to more or less go on with my own life. We may continue to be friends but it will never be like true healthy friends are to each other.

                                                I took a week of basic no contact as I have spoken about here on this thread and realize now how important and good for me doing this has been. Its been an  emotionally eventful week. Ive spend time focusing on healing myself and working to get down to my core hurt feelings. All I know is that anytime I confront him or express to him my hurt feelings over the way he has been treating me and how illogical it is,   I get even more hurt. He gets defensive and he is mean. Last week after trying to express to him how I felt, "I" told him,  I needed some time alone.   I came home and found myself in tears like never before. I dont know if I mentioned that but I am now.  I came across a Joni Mitchel video , one of her songs called "Amelia"   Whether anyone here knows of this I dont know. This song is about a disapointment and you could see the sorrow on her face as she sung this. I mean such sorrow, as my words can not express. In the song she's singing to Amelia Earhart.  Amelia, she says,   it was just a false alarm.  Its such a beautiful song and I wept through the whole thing ,twise.  I wept for Joni Mitchells pain and realized it was mine too, something we shared, something all of us share.   I wondered if maybe I was going through a phase of feeling sorrow for myself, self endulgent sorrow you know,  + But thought about it and realized that this is something I needed to allow myself to feel because it was real.            I need to stop here.  I wanted to share this.   There is more thats important for me to say here but Im going to rest, put  it on hold and continue with this later.   Thanks for listening everyone or anyone.  (  :           www.youtu.be/iixd7iflHhY

Goingtostopthis

I am sorry you are still struggling with your sense of sadness and loss.  However, as you have learned, your bf really does not care about your feelings.  PwBPD are so self-absorbed that they lack all empathy for the pain of others. What matters to them are their needs.  Period.  They are very emotionally immature. 

It is also extremely difficult to remain "just friends" with a pwBPD.  He will undoubtedly recycle your relationship whenever he wants, if you allow him to, and the result will be the same.  Do not do that to yourself.

If you want peace, stay far, far away from him.  Stay NC. This is very important: You cannot MAKE him into the kind and loving person you wish he was, and the harder you try, the more he will resist, and the crueler he will become.  So, stop beating your head against a wall.  All you are accomplishing is to give yourself a headache.

Give yourself all the time and space you need.  You deserve better than what he has to offer. 

Mama,  I appreciate you im put,  but I have to say that I believe you missed what I was just talking about entirely.    Many times people stay hooked in these relationships because they never really allow themselves to feel their core feelings in this. I just experienced a huge  part of that a few days ago. This is what I was talking about.  Fully excepting the reality of this situation and allowing myself to feel the feelings I needed to feel to move on from this. I thought I made it clear that because of this I am moving on from this and I dont recall saying anything about trying to change him. I havent  gotten to that part yet.

                  I have been working towards getting off the illusion I have had of him and seeing him now as he really is.  This is one of the major things that keep people stuck in these relationships.  I have worked myself out of being at a stage where I was all ways hurting,  all ways wondering if he was going to contact me, all ways hoping that things would change,  to a more realistic way seeing him as he is and accepting it.

                  I dont feel such a need to want to contact him anymore.  By detaching myself a bit Im seeing the obvious about his problems that would other wise be fogged out due to my deep felt emotionally involvement with him.   That which he is "acting" like he could care less about at this time.  I think he does care,  but he cant now because hes too wrapped up in his own defesiveness. Im not saying I think he does care because Im still hoping that things will change.  I dont know I just dont like labeling things on people as absolutes. It doesnt matter to me anymore anyhow unless he comes up with a big confession towards admitting how abusive  he's been to me and admitting that he does think he has a problem and wants to get help for it. Hes too angry now.

                I dont want to put myself down or allow him to cause me to feel insignificant in any influence Ive had on him. +Because this is what he tries to do. This is how he wants me to feel.  I may put up a really good video with a pretty good message geared towards where he is at right now, He either wont watch it,  or pretend he hasnt watched it,  when I fact,  I think he has watched it.  I cant heal him, only he can do that, but I may very well be putting things up for him to see that could make all the difference in the world to him,  could cause a break through.  I put up a series of John Bradshaw videos about toxic shame.  Right up his alley . and it was presented in a such a way as too invite people in ,in a safe lovely manner.  He is not educated in things like this. Im sure he has never heard of John Bradshaw.  And if this stuff makes him angrier,  well this isnt going to be my problem.  Its his.  Im not going to make a special appointment to discuss this with him.   Hes got to deal with his own conscious, this could take a year, or years, or never,   But I made it clear that aside from this Ive all ready decided that I need to move on from him.  I dont need to be told Im still harbering hopes for him. I still care about him of course but my feelings for him are changing now, they are not the same.  Theyve shifted more onto me and taking care of myself. I quite personally was  watching the Bradshaw series for "My" healing,  way more then for his if the truth be told.  And I realized that through time I have been beaten down psychologically by him where my reality and experience of what has happened between us has been denied, no validation for any of it,  and thats a lot of confused frustration to "have" to carry around.   

                              +Ive need a doze of confidence and self esteem in myself . I needed validation I found it through these videos. I found exactly what I was looking for, just what I needed to get myself off of the floor. I found a name to what he has been doing to me, its called:  toxic shame.  And this knowledge I felt the grip he has had on me was now gone and I was free to no longer feel that I have been under his abusive power in any way.  I know what he's doing now,  and this is very empowering.                                     

goingtostopthis


               The first few sentences of your first post make me laugh (well kinda) I hate when she does that to me its like she is a child (well guess she is) waiting sometimes and hour or two just to respond to my message we have a child together what if it's important, the silent treatment is another before my wife left I got it for months, until I would leave the house then it was text text  text me or call me on the phone, man I am tired

goingtostopthis

We cannot control the way others feel or what they say and do, but we can learn to modify our feelings and how we react to them.  Since pwBPD change their minds, views, and reactions abruptly, this is both challenging and frustrating.  It is hard to know what to believe.

I am not being critical.  You are going through the process of detaching, which is very difficult and will not happen overnight.

Stay with your core values... . they will serve you well.  Take care.

ahhhh.  ok.   

Did I say I was trying to control the way my boyfriend feels?   No,  I did not.  I never said you were being critical.  Yes, I am going through a process of detaching. I all ready said that in my post. I believe I indicated that this will not take over night.   Stay with my core values? of course,  what else is there.   What are you really offering to me by answering this post ?  YOU are just repeating things I have all ready said.  Im looking for people who can relate to what Im saying and who want to share what they are going through as well.   You are not doing that.