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I had to drop some items off at my stbxuBPDw's (wow, that's a big abbreviation!) new house last night - she just moved out a little over a week ago.  (I think it's important to note that I am the one who has initiated this divorce; my uBPDw does not want to get to divorced.)  I'm not gonna lie - ever since Sunday I've been having a rough time.  I can tell she's been taking her meds (she's confirmed this as well) like she's supposed to due to her even-keeled nature and it was so pleasant just sitting there and chatting.  Part of me wishes this wasn't the end; I wish we were just doing a separation.  I know that more than likely the result would be the same though; it wouldn't take long for her to stop taking her pills and she would dysregulate and make my life hell.  Our final hearing is supposed to be next Tuesday, although I'm not optimistic that it's going to happen.  There are still some stuff the attorneys are sorting through and I'm afraid (but yet kind of relieved?) that it will get postponed again. 

I know our relationship is toxic.  But I am so drawn to her, unlike any woman ever.  I truly feel as if she is the love of my life.  I did soo good last week; and now, I can't get her off of my mind. 

I just feel like I'm so broken inside; that pieces of me are not working like they are supposed to.  I know I will heal, but I'm afraid I'll never heal entirely and that there is always going to be a piece of me that feels like I made a giant mistake and gave up too soon.  I hope I didn't.

Hi TS,

I think that everyone who goes through a divorce feels like this - BPD or not, honestly.  If we took our wedding vows seriously, leaving or being left is truly painful.

Try to stay in the moment, that helped me.  You left for a reason and even if it isn't really over, she does seem to need to be on her own to heal and you need to be on your own to heal.

We are as broken as they are -different - but broken.

Do you have a T of your own to help navigate your grief and your emotions?

Peace,

SB

SB - thanks for your response.  I do have a T that I've been seeing regularly for 2 years now; he's been such a blessing.  I actually have an apt tomorrow evening (thank god).  We've been talking about grieving a lot; mourning the end of the relationship and adjusting to the change.  It's weird, because I know deep down it's for the best, but I've never been good with change - even when the change was VERY needed.  :)  I'm a very habitual person by nature, very routine, so having my routine thrown off like this is just really messing with me.  Of course, as I write this, I'm already feeling much better than I did this morning and I know after my evening workout I'll feel even better! 

Thanks again for the response, your words are very helpful!

T

I am very much a creature of habit now too - I wasn't always, but with the BPD relationship, I began to crave routine - I think it was a way to control what felt so out of control.  I am learning to "go with the flow" more and I have noticed that when I am emotionally fragile, routine feels better for me - no right or wrong, just the way it is.

Sharing emotional vulnerability so we are not so alone is very powerful - scary at times, but powerful.

What I can say from my own experience is that once it was all really over, focusing on just me - what I want, what I need, who I am (really) - was much different than when I was married.  It was much more real.

Glad you have a T!  I hope you give yourself the time alone with him to really dig into the emotions that come up.

Peace,

SB