BPDFamily.com

My dBPDw views watching TV shows on the DVR as work, and I'm not really sure how to approach it and getting her to help with actual housework. 

She is not able to work because of her BPD and I'll come home from work and ask how her day was and she'll reply, "Oh I was really productive, I watched a bunch of shows on DVR and got the percentage down to 30%".  Meanwhile, there is a dog that needs to go out, mounds of laundry, and a sink full of dirty dishes.  I'm not saying she should be doing all the housework, but a 50/50 split seems fair and watching DVR shows is not "housework." 

Do I try to radically accept watching TV is the best she can do?

Hmm, I don't know that I could accept that this it the best she can do, but accepting that this IS was she is doing, would help get a better handle on what's really important to me.  What are my feelings and boundaries concerning someone sitting around watching tv all day long? 

If it wasn't your wife (someone who you are emotionally attached to), but someone totally new in your life... .   What would you do, think, feel about this?

Maybe start from there?

Forget about whats fair, or 50/50 splitting. It is a disorder that impairs her functioning and productivity. You are on a hiding to nothing if you make those goals a benchmark. Some pwBPD are pretty functional others are not. It sounds like your wife is not.

What you really need to do is work on encouraging her to make an effort to do something without the expectation of great results. She knows she is not productive, probably doesn't have the skills to be so, and so will do nothing out of fear of failure.

They often struggle to organize their day, so using initiative to prioritize, or regulate, her day is too hard so she opts out. It is probably best to find out some of the chores she doesn't mind (yeh i know its a short list). Then just asking her to do those only. The idea is to narrow her options, otherwise she will get overwhelmed and simply stop (or not start). Just a tip, they are likely to be the jobs that have the highest visible impact and can glean maximum praise.

TV can be like another escapism drug for pwBPD, thats why my partner can't watch it, she becomes too absorbed, even into the ads.

My partner making minimal real effort to help around the house is also my biggest issue at the moment, so I know how infuriating it is.

Lack of productivity is the reason my partner cannot hold down a job too. It is because she operates on impulse and immediate reward. If either of these are not present she will do nothing out of obligation or responsibility alone.

Put a TV in the Kitchen and tell her to HAVE AT THE DISHES while she's watchinG TV... . :-)

I'm sorry but disorders aside that must be infuriating! Explain to her that If you had her attitude and sat around watching TV all day instead of going out and busting your ass to support her and the family there would BE NO TV TO WATCH! How would the cable bill get paid?

I had this problem too with my uBPDxw. I would come home from work and there would be nothing to eat. She would say there's nothing out of the freezer. I would have to TRY to explain that the time to think about what's for dinner isn't 5 minutes before I get home. Of course she didn't miss any of her TV shows that were on ALL DAY ... . UGH!

God I don't miss that. She never was a partner, just a dependent!

 mywifecrazy!

Had a similar discussion with my exh and his reply was, "How am I supposed to feel when my own wife is jealous of me".  It defies all logic

Sorry for the hijack, ApChagi1...   That one struck a nerve.

Yes his response to you is crazy making! No logic whatsoever.

What's really interesting is that after we divorced, he was able to find full-time employment!  So, he was and is perfectly capable of doing more than what he did when we were married.  I was doing him no favors by accepting his excuses.

Now that one struck a nerve with me as m uBPDxw would never go back for full time work after our kids were in school. She was even offered full time work.  I come to find out that she used her non working alone time during the week to carry on her affairs.

She is still not working full time even after the divorce. Always crying poor when I try to get her to chip in on expenses for kids.  I think she is setting up her new victim to take care of her!

I radically accept this statement... . Fair doesn't mean equal.

No, I would not accept this. This is a sad way to live.

However depending on how long this has been going on you may have to accept that it will take a while to get her going again. And that she needs to want that. Waverider has given some good pointers. Also 123Phoebe got a point


The first step may not be helping her but stopping on our side contributing to it. It is not always obvious where we enable and insight sometimes comes in stages. Getting out of this hole will take more step than one.