BPDFamily.com

So, I had a hard session with my T today. As I thought about it, I knew I should post it to you folks.

Tried several times, but actually writing it down makes it too real. So much of me is not ready for this, but obviously a good part of me is.

I have been out for two months. Very limited contact (no contact on her end). Just housekeeping issues, concern for the kids, and an occasional cave-in on my part which receives no reply. But none of this is more than once a week.

I have been with my T many years, well before my ex. She has learned how to yell at me (correct me) in a very caring way. She also can take an FU from me to acknowledge she hit the right chord and I get it. She has stayed away from discussions as to whether my ex has BPD traits or not. I spoke about this forum and that I have begun reading other books as well. I referenced how Kreisman and Straus (I Hate You-Don't Leave Me) begin their book claiming how Ps & Ts find pwBPD so difficult and many other sources agree. She spoke of her experience with pwBPD and how in her school, they never last (she runs a school based on "intersubjective theory" which requires therapists to be as introspective as their clients).

Me: Yeah, I know…like how (ex) has been with her T for almost ten years and has never mentioned (the two most formative issues in her life).

T: Listen, I am not going to waste our time trying to analyze (ex). We need to focus on you!"

Now, I have been dealing with a lot more than just this break-up. Most are more crucial to my survival than my ex from an objective perspective (job, immigration, and other legal issues). I have been waiting on an employer this past month while exhausting every last penny (literally). Their decision came back negative. They didn't want to risk the immigration issue. All the doors closed. I would have to return to my country, but I no longer have the funds to do so.

Me (screaming and crying from a deep place I have not felt in years): "I know, I know…I just need to know if she loved me…if it was this (BPD). I need to know that I didn't screw this up. (the employers) don't want me for reasons that have nothing to do with me. I'll have to leave (the country) for reasons that have nothing to do with me. I have to know whether she loved me or if not, this has nothing to do with me! It is too much. I can't loose everything…I can't handle it if these last ten years amount to absolutely NOTHING!

(After an appropriate pause)

T: Ahh, now we have a place to begin.

(After a very long pause, and I calmed down)

Me: FU

Essencial to this place has been my ability to rant. When I first found you folks, I couldn't stop writing or reading. It helped so much as it was journaling, understanding, and simply getting thoughts out of my head. At some point (and time is relative to each individual here) I got caught up in my own mind trying to intellectually determine if her love for me was real or if I could except it not being real due to the disorder. I even began looking back at the "Staying" board reading success stories that inspired in me the possibility of getting everything back if I knew more and tried harder.

I was using valid experiences of others, hiding circumstances that are clearly not my own to gain some control and hope that are even more clearly…not my own.

In my case (and this is my case only), I have begun to use the exact tools that brought so much healing, to occupy my mind and avoid the deeper wounds that cry for healing in my heart. It does matter whether she loved me or not. It does matter whether BPD is the end of our relationship or a path to healing for it. But none of it can possibly matter if I don't keep the focus on myself and address my own wounds first.

But that is enough for today. It seems too real having put it into words. I got a glimpse of the path today and it looks hard and scary. I know I can do it, but I just want to rest now. I think I will go make another intellectual argument on the "Undecided" board. It will help bring the greatest healer of all…time.



Oh, one other thing…two hours after the session, I got a call from an employer I applied to in Dec. I start on Tuesday. How's that for a total karma mind-screw!

Pecator- wow, that is a LOT to go through. I am so happy you had a breakthrough and thrilled you got a job. To be at peace when life is in flux is truly a tough skill to master. Congratulations.

I love the last sentence :) hang in there . I really think they did love us in their own way. I know it's hard and I thank myself that I only had a little over 3 yrs and not married to her. Take care of yourself ... .

Pecator,

Thank you for sharing that.  You've touched a place that many of us long to find, and no matter what happens with your relationship, you are changing and healing. 

Happy for you, for both the realization and the job!

Real change and real healing - emotionally very uncomfortable and down right hard at times.  But doing it?  very much worth the effort.

Hang in there!

SB