BPDFamily.com

Next week we have a joint session.  I have let the counselor know my suspicions.

As of yet I have not mentioned my thought that she has BPD to my wife.  Last marriage counseling that my wife stormed out on was the one that brought up BPD to me.

Fits to a T.

Anyway... I've known about this BPD thing for about 3 or 4 months now.  Looking for advice on how to best broach the subject.

History:  Wife has said many times she would go to individual counseling.  Always backed out for crazy reasons.  I have gone several times and my wife knows this... . so there is no reason for her not to go... because I won't go.

 

I'm no expert and I don't know what is going on with you and your wife... . but... . put yourself in her shoes for one moment.

Although a lot of us here have gone through a lot of things with pwBPD or just pwPD... . diagnosed even - there is no way for any of us to diagnose someone, even based on their behaviors or symptoms.

So you want to take your spouse into session and bombard her with "you have a mental illness" - and you think this can help your marital situation... . how?

I'm not suggesting she is or isn't.  And I surely am not trying to take away from the pain and confusion you must be going through.  But if I were in that same boat and my spouse takes me into a session with a therapist and I get ganged up that I have a mental illness... . it's like an intervention finger pointing blame game instead of "couples counceling".

I know when I went to sessions with my wife, I was really wanting to be there when she "got it".  When a lightbulb went off in her head and she could finally get on the same page as me and we could fix whatever the mess was that was going on.

But that never happened... . well... . I was there when the lightbulb went off and something was "got" - but it was me who finally understood it.  It was me that understood what I was dealing with and a lot of the issues were mine as I was so wrapped up in trying to fix her... . I missed the bigger part of the puzzle to see what my deal was (if this situation is so wrong, why do I put up with it, and all that jazz).

I don't have any suggestions on how to do what you are asking.  I'm sorry. I wish I did. 

But you are at the right place.  And you are not alone.

I am in a very similar place to you... . or where you were.  I was under the misconception that if I explained the logically and we focused on the facts... . that it would all become clear.

After last storm out on marriage counseling I finally had a trained person point me in the right direction.  And yes... I realize that I was part of the problem because I was arguing with an unreasonable person.  So... I am attempting to cut out my part of the conflict.

Anyway... . maybe I will rephrase the question some.  This is our 5th round of marriage counseling.  This will be the 3rd round with a trained counselor.  The first couple rounds were with pastors that cared but... . in my estimation... . didn't have the knowledge or skills to deal with this.  In fact they found some of the stories I was telling so fantastic... . that there was natural skepticism. 

So... storm out at last counselor and said she would never go back to that one because she was "on my side".  Practically speaking that meant that the counselor enforced rules in the counseling office.  No interrupting, don't claim things and then say you didn't say it... . etc etc.


Now we have been to one joint session (the start) and both have had individual sessions.  Next week will be our next joint session and start weekly joint sessions after that.

With previous counselors wife has agreed to go for formal individual evaluation/diagnosis and then backs out because "i control the counselors and psychiatrists"... . because I will use the information to take the kids and toss her out... . that the counselors don't know what they are doing... . etc etc.  That she only agreed to go to make me feel better about going.

So... on the one hand counseling is a place where we can attempt to communicate with a referee.  That is better than nothing.

But on the other hand... . I don't want to participate (for too long) in a process that is a farce where 1 person is trying to follow the rules and the other person is trying to evade rules and heap blame on me and avoid accountability.

How do I go about figuring out how long to participate?

Good thing you have figured this out now. Throw logic out the window and you will be able to deal with this more easily.


This would seem to be true, but you have to realize that the things you really want to say will not help the situation. You want to tell her all the terrible things she does to you and how they make you feel. In reality though she is not really concerned about your feelings. She is not even able to deal with her own in a healthy manner. The sooner you accept that the better. You are better off taking care of yourself and setting boundaries for protection.


You hit the nail on the head. It took me about 8 sessions to figure this out and finally give up. Our therapist was very laid-back (submissive) and would not call her out on any of her crap. We could both see her becoming more unstable and would not bring up the necessary issues (he was fully aware of her condition). I finally realized I would never get any validation out of this circus and that I would have to give it to myself.


IMHO I would consider putting your energies into something that would benefit you more. Setting boundaries and really working the lessons on here. Go to your own counseling. As far as she is concerned you can try this. DBT with someone experienced with BPD could possibly help her get it  :light:  Maybe... . My recommendation is to find someone and give the number to her to make an appointment. Tell her that it is her T and you want nothing to do with it so that she cant come back later and say you are in collusion. If she asks why this particular T, just tell her that they deal with anger/emotional issues and you think it could help her. It worked for me and my partner's T is the only person she has ever been completely comfortable with. Just the other day she told me that her T is the only person that has never made her feel judged. I was impressed.

Focus on yourself and how YOU can do things differently. Take care of yourself FIRST. Good luck  *)

If I had a nickel for every time my pwPD said... . " are you tired of the crazy yet?"  and " I know I'm crazy."  IMHO, I believe that they are quite aware of their condition.

Both I and the T knows that she get's it... . Where she is now is to spend a whole lot of time trying to gaslight and project the issues on me.  Soon it will most likely be the T if it gets too uncomfortable for her.