BPDFamily.com

Hey BPD community!

Me and my undiagnosed BPDex broke up 7 month ago. Our last contact was in October around my birthday when she finally told me that she is seeing someone else. I was at a really bad place until the beginning of this year until I decided to work on myself and stop grieving. I did lots of sport and lost 9kg since the beginning of this year. I met a lot of new people and went out a lot. I even went on a study trip to Asia until last week Sunday. It was very fun there but ever since I came back I am feeling very bad again. I see all those people around me in their happy relationships enjoying the sunny days and then think of my horrible relationship with my ex. I started out to wonderful and was just horrible for the last 6 month. If I imagine her enjoying the sunny days with her new boyfriend I feel like  . I know that she wasn't good for me and that our relationship was very toxic... but I can't help imagining that things between her and the new guy are going well.

Since she totally cut me off I have no clue how her relationship with my replacement is going or if they are still together at all.

Anyway, I feel so betrayed. She told me so many times that I am the first guy she ever loved that way... . it took her 2 month to date another guy. I feel like I didn't know her at all. I never imagined she would be capable of cutting me off like that and replacing me right away.

Felt like posting it here since my friends are probably tired of hearing me talking about my ex.

Dansure,

There are often ups and downs... . sometimes, without logic.  Don't beat yourself up for being normal and still hurt.

I know that it seems your friends may not have the understanding/patience, when you talk to them about her.  It can be good to balance that a bit here, with people in similar situations... .

Be proud of yourself for focusing on improving you! 

Hang in there.  Whoever she is/was with, will endure his own torment once the true she evolves... .

My experience is similar and what you are going through is quite normal.  You might keep a couple of things in mind... .

1. She said that to the guy before you.

2. She will say it to the current guy who will suffer the same fate.

3. Sounds like you have dodged a bullet.

Aren't you glad you're not there anymore? Might be time to buy a lottery ticket and celebrate. 

As for seeing all the happy couples around you, rejoice in knowing that it is possible - just not with her. You will be there once you've fully healed. She can't truly love and have what you are capable of having. You can have a perfectly happy relationship with the right person but she will never have that if she is truly BPD. I no longer feel any pain from her betrayal... . I simply pity her.

betrayal takes a long time to process and get over. it sounds like you've been doing all kinds of amazing things lately and you should commend yourself for this. 7 months is enough to get you out of the initial extreme stages of grief (weight loss, etc.) but you will experience ups and downs for some time to come. just understand that this is normal and that you aren't moving 'slow'. i would say that you are doing well in the slow process of recovery since you are taking action and living your life, traveling, making friends. you will still hurt, but you are also taking strides and making good memories along the way.

and regarding her living happily ever after with the replacement--puuuleeease! really? hells no. that guy is going to go through hell just like you. and the guy/gal after that. the biggest and most common BPD LIE, and seemingly their favorite way to emotionally abuse their lovers is to make believe that they aren't broken individuals and that they are actually 'happy' with some new person. because this would mean that *you* were the problem stopping them from being happy--um, but, except the fact that *they* are the problem and all their craziness follows them like that stinky cloud followed Pigpen from Charlie Brown. rub your hands together and do an evil laugh (just kidding) and realize the next guy is the next victim. in time you will feel sorry for him.

and also don't believe for a second her telling you it took her 2 months to date another guy--she wouldn't take the initiative to abruptly end the r/s with you unless she already had something lined up. sad but true. she's not going to be alone voluntarily for even a second, let alone 2 months. *maybe* if you broke up with her abruptly she would have found a replacement in a few weeks or so but if she left unless you were in real life dangerous to her or something then she's probably lying about the whole 2 month ordeal. as if.

you're awesome and a world traveler. you will begin to become more aware of things and not believe her lie of a life over time... starting now with believing you had anything to do with her issues or that she's somehow happier now with someone else. take care dansure 

Thanks a lot for your replies! I am starting to feel better, I went out last night again and met a lot of new people.

@Aussieborn

That's the thing. I don't know if she truly is BPD, so I sometimes wonder if she just acted that way simply because she didn't love me anymore after her initial adoration? She definitely acted started to act crazy at some point but she always said that I was because of me and that she was always an innocent girl but that she felt like she has to fight back to me because of my temper. I actually always tried to avoid fights with her, but sometimes she behaved so outrageously that I lost it. I always genuinely apologized afterwards. She never did... she always provoked me to the point where I got pissed and played the then played the victim.

@Goldylamount

I actually think that she met the new guy while we were still together as well. During out 1 year relationship we broke up so many times. But she always came back. The last time it was different. She was literally scared of me and constantly blamed me of wanting to kill her. That was actually the point where I was sure that she has some issues and found out about BPD.

I once had to kick her out of my apartment because she was starting to damage my apartment. I grabbed her a little hard bag then and ever since then she blames me of being aggressive. I really regret that it happened and apologized so many times for it but she always used it against me, even at the very end she said that she can't help but being scared of me because I would be so aggressive.

So sometimes I wonder if its my fault that she started to act the way she did because I gave her a reason to be scared of me.

I did mistakes during our relationships. I was insecure because of my first love who cheated on me and used me. So sometimes overreacted. She always used that against me to justify her behaviors.

She literally said "You know how I was before. I was always an innocent girl. But you make me act like this and I learned many of my behaviors from you. So if you don't like me the way I am now, it just means you wouldn't like someone like yourself."

Every time we fought she said things like "I can't help but being scared of you. What if you get drunk one day and kill me?".

I once asked her how she can life at my place and sleep next to me if she is so scared of me. She said she just notice it when we fight.

I wonder when she learned yelling at me and leaving me on the streets from me? Or leaving the apartment because we could not agree on what to eat? Or spilling food on the ground because she brought back take away food and I already ate? Or releasing her stress on me and blaming me for everything that goes wrong in her life?

Why didn't she learn to talk about problems? Or care about my needs? Because that's what I have always tried!



I think my biggest problem is that I let her brainwash me to believe that she was always a nice and cute girl and that I brought out the worst in her. That's why it's hard for me to believe that the next guy will have the same fate. Maybe he won't do the mistakes that I did.

I have to weigh in here and ask you, did you notice this happening towards the end?  Because, looking back I feel mine did these sorts of things to sabotage the evening or weekend so he could storm off and go be with the replacement.  I was always hurt and baffled by this behavior because there was nothing to get in a fight about, but he would MAKE an issue and then storm off and go ghost for a few days.

Just my thoughts... .

"the biggest and most common BPD LIE, and seemingly their favorite way to emotionally abuse their lovers is to make believe that they aren't broken individuals and that they are actually 'happy' with some new person. because this would mean that *you* were the problem stopping them from being happy--um, but, except the fact that *they* are the problem and all their craziness follows them"

This is so true.  When my ex "apologized" months after the break up, that apology came after spinning the truth about our relationship and his relationships before me.  He was projecting his actions during the r/s onto me, rewriting history (gaslighting).  He was trying to convince me that I was the problem.  That didn't last long because I reminded him that I didn't bring those behavioral problems to the relationship, he did.  There was silence at his end for a bit as if he was trying to adjust to changes in a script.  He thought for a moment, and then gave up on the spinning.  He apologized for his actions and acknowledged he'd brought the same issues and problems in his previous relationships.  He will bring those same problems to his current relationship, and the ones that follow.