BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone. I don't want to walk away because I love my BPDgf. I feel like my life is incomplete without her, but I think I'm getting to close to walking away. I feel like I cannot do anything right. Anything I do is getting turned around and used against me. All I want is for her to be happy. She's got a amazing smile. Beautiful eyes, and very very good brain. It's just this BPD is taking over her life and I feel powerless to help the live of my life. I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore because if I talk to my gf about it, it just makes it worse. I'm just starting to feel like a complete failure and my whole world is falling apart under my feet... .

Relationships are hard... . love is such an instinctual thing.  I feel for what you are going through.   

After reading your posts, it seems like this type of relationship is a pattern for you.  Can you tell us a little bit about your parents and upbringing?  Sometimes that plays a part in how we pursue relationships. 

Hang in there... . we will help you through this the best we can. 

Its hard to have a clear head when you are caught up in the storm of their shifting emotional states. You may think you're strong enough to weather it, but like ocean waves beating on granite it will eventually grind you down. I've been at it a long long time and was able to manage through the abuse for many years. In our case it got worse as she got older and eventually found the hooks to wear me down. I loved her as well but knew there were serious issues when we were in our twenties. Once children showed up it was a done deal and I had to weather 25 years for their sake. Of course I loved her, always will; and was sure I could fix her. With every rebound, apology, re-idealization, and promise were new assurances that the crazy time would never happen again. Of course I was convinced each time that it would never happen again. But it always does; always. Prepare for a long road of hurt, despair, chaos, self-doubt, mistrust, fear, lost memories, and, turmoil. But of course we believe that love can cover a multitude of sins. Remember the person who you are today; because in due time that person is likely to be a shadow of its former self. What is a life worth? What is yours? Convinced you can save her? You may not be able to save yourself by the time your finished. You may be able to prevail... . but the odds ain't so good.

Well, you have read the countless stories... . Did you find hope in reading them? Are there any true happy endings? I haven't found one.

I don't remember where, but I found online a piece of information about how BPD to some degree might be hormone connected (i haven't verified this info) and that there are potentially progressive medication therapies on their way but I wouldn't bet on it. I don't know, there was info about how pwBPD (women particularly) had almost perfect (meaning without this nonsense) behavior while being on hormonal birth control. Also I can't provide any references but I have stumbled upon such info while researching BPD online.

I also would give everything if there was a permanent cure for this and if there was a possibility to get back my gf but there is no quick fix, meaning that you will have to sacrifice something - your time, identity traits, patience with no guarantee of success.

In my quite short journey towards leaving I reached a phase where I would fantasize how relieving it would be if my gf crashed in a car accident and died. Oh it would solve a lot of problems for me. These were very brief moments but they kept emerging with certain regularity. Tho I would immediately punish myself of thinking such things - no I am a bad person, who wishes death for someone, especially when they love them?. But that was a fact and it got me thinking - something is seriously wrong and I should get out, that is not true love, that is something else. So yep - these thoughts were a good control-mechanism for me to know when it is time to leave.

Nevertheless I am so mixed up in my feelings - I miss her, I wish she was beside me, I want to know what she is doing, and everybody goes thru these stages. Eventually it gets better, so I have read :)

Also happiness doesn't come from outside, it comes form inside, from our choices. If we feel unhappy then it is probably because we have made poor choices. And to change that we have to change our choices.    

Best of luck of finding your path towards your happiness.

Curious about BPD and birth control pills (BCP's), I found this:

www.sideeffectsofbirthcontrol.blogspot.com/

Which it seem to indicate quite the opposite; that it instead amplifies the BPD.