BPDFamily.com

My ex and I were always pretty much on the same page when it comes to parenting.

But since I left a new partner moved in right away and she is changing her views on parenting. In the past I was the disciplinary and she was usually taking a step back and letting me handle it. Now her new partner is doing it and she is emailing me things she finds I need to work on as well with the kids. Little things like only burping on sunday? How to interact with grown ups etc. Things that were never an issue.

I told her we had an other set of beliefs and she can use her remakrs on her new baby thats on the way (got pregnant 6 months after I left with the new guy). How come that these people mirror the person I am with? and be so adamant about it? I was really laughing at first (she barely can handle them on her own) but now getting annoyed because I feel attacked by her demands.

Next to that I found out her new partner is always on bcc with regards to the communication about the kids (she accidentally put him on cc the last email). I flipped and he started replying. Those are our kids! Why does this girl put all her faith in her new saviour and can't do nothing on their own?

That must be maddening, Noise, especially he getting involved. I suppose I might get to this point someday if mine moves in her bf or another in the future. Can you set down clear boundaries that what you do at your house is what you do, and let them do what they do? You might have to parallel parent (since she has a new "daddy" figure... . for her) and have talks with the kids at your house is they want to vent their frustrations. The reality is, especially due to the new baby, that he is now the stepparent figure in your children's lives. It might be best to involve him in the discussions. If she mirrors him, perhaps engaging with him might help defuse stress coming from their side? If you ask to involve him, then no more secrecy and bcc. It's all out in the open and you take that power away from her. What is your perception on the kind of man he is?

So, I think it's important that we (as the healthy half of the dynamic) try and remain grounded in these situations. We can either inflame the situation in turn causing more conflict, or we can reduce the conflict by remaining calm and centered. How much of this is actually about you being upset? How much of it is about you not liking the fact that you have this guy coming in trying to tell you how to raise your kids?

It's not all that uncommon that when a new spouse comes into a family, that there is this kind of ruffling of feathers about parenting. My husband doesn't like the way I parent my kids either, he likes to make big suggestions too.  *)

Your ex very well may be trying to keep the peace in her relationship (common) and also is trying to have her boyfriend involved (common) so he feels included. She gets to do that, we can't tell other people how to live their lives.

We do get to have our own values in this and it's OK to set a boundaries in that. I personally don't discuss parenting matters with my husband's new spouse, I only talk about it with my exH. However, I do respect that they are a family and that they will discuss matters that affect their family so if he needs to get back to me after he speaks with her - I get that.  

Is there a chance that you can maybe step outside of these hard emotions? Perhaps from a calmer state, shelve the thinking that says "They are MY kids! And none of HIS business!" because it's not going to help your situation have less conflict. (Not judging here, I think I actually said these exact words myself) You can't control who she invites into those kids life, you can only control your reactions to him. In the end, you're their Dad. He can't change that fact and demanding that he not be a part of their life will probably prove to be a fruitless endeavor... . and it isn't really teaching your children a lesson that will help them. What happens when you re-partner? What precedent is being set in how new spouses are treated?

If it were me, I might set boundaries in this - that don't include emotional reactions to the new partner.



Ex,

I apologize for my overreacting recently. It's proven to be difficult for me accepting a third person's presence in our children's lives. So far it's only been you and me making these decisions together and has taken me a little off guard with his contributing to our discussions. I also understand that as their mom, you want what's best for them and see him as a positive influence. I think that's something we both have in common, wanting them to be healthy and happy, and I'm sure [your new partner] does as well.

In the future, I think that while it makes sense that you converse with [your new partner] about the decisions regarding the kids, the direct communication remain between you and me - being that we are the ones who are legally responsible for them and who are required to make the decisions in their best interest. We've done well with this so far and I'd like to continue with what has worked for us.

Respectfully,

Noise    

-DG