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From the very minute my (fresh) dBPDbf told me about his ADHD and borderline, I've been reading up on the disorders like a maniac. Knowledge is power and has helped me a lot to understand and cope with certain behavior in a healthy way.

But sometimes I feel like I see BPD behavior in everything - maybe even when it's not there. I'm very scared I won't be able to cope with it in the future or that I've made the wrong choice of being with him. And I'd rather know it now that find out when it's too late. On the other hand reading about it makes me calm as well - as it explains a lot of situations. Does anyone recognize this? How have you dealt with these insecurities?

oh yes, I recognise this only too well!

I found out about my ex having BPD about 6 months ago and since then it's constantly in the back of my head... .

I read all the books I could find and bumped on an overwhelming lot of information on the internet, sometimes very helpfull, sometimes pure blackpainting of pwBPD's to a level that is scarifying, as if they are the devil in disguise... .    especialy on youtube you have to be very selective in what you watch !

I left my boyfriend (technicaly) but he's not out of my life and never out of my mind, and it's not easy to let go of all the worrying and fear

in general I'm glad that I did this intensive "research" because things are much clearer now and I have developped much more patience and compassion for my SO, but nowadays I actively concentrate on relaxing and taking a break, and returning to the things I did and the interests I had before he came into my life... .

whether or not you choose to stay in the relationship, daily life goes on and meanwile it's all about the dynamics between you two , therefore you can use the tools in this website and the support you find here 

Hi Ziniztar

I can definitely relate to the calming effect of reading. Especially reading the BPD resources. It's a big relief, especially when things fit my BP.

If you're feeling anxious, take things step-by-step. If your BP is keeping you in FOG and it's hard getting your material to work for you because of time constraint, try: detaching with love (Kreger), giving yourself space, exercising, breathing and meditation exercises, or hanging out with friends... there's more ways to calm yourself all over this board as well. I apply the regulation techniques to myself too so maybe you can try those.

When you're done being anxious and you're ready to deal with the insecurities, I feel it helps to know that you can only try so hard, so fast, to gain skills to do things step-by-step. If you're doing your best, and I bet you are, rest easy, continue regulating yourself, and I find the anxiousness can be lived with.

Separately, I think it's important to remember that BPD is thought to be trait-based. Which implies that it affects everything the BP does. I think it would be wise therefore to enjoy moments when BPD is minimal in your BPD SO but just be ready for a turn. I try not to let it preoccupy me.

Further, having consumed so much info, you should know that you're more likely to be able to find relevant info when you need it. Which is good! It's quite unreasonable to remember everything.

Here's some solutions you can try. I believe competence gives confidence, so if your BP has a 'go to' dysregulation method, keep ready the appropriate strategy. That gives me peace of mind, personally.

There is a lot of info. Yeah, I feel the same way because how do you handle so much? I think it helps to be selective. Pick the strategies you want to apply. Practice those.

For example, my BP gets emotional over something. Dysregulates, gets increasingly madder/lonely/frustrated. This is my rough plan. It works sometimes, sometimes it doesn't, but it helps arrange your info.

Response:

1) Recall your values (natural, Kreger).

2) Recall your limits (Kreger, but they should be your own).

3) Keep yourself regulated (natural, backed by Manning, Kreger, has multiple sub-steps).

4) Cheerlead yourself (natural, backed by Manning, Kreger).

5) SET (Kreisman, repeat, repeat, repeat until you think it's enough or you have to go).

I've just recently learned of more regulation techniques (Linehan) and validation (Manning), so I would insert them here:

Response:

1) Recall your values (natural, Kreger).

2) Recall your limits (Kreger, but they should be your own).

3) Keep yourself regulated (natural, backed by Manning, Kreger, has multiple sub-steps; more Linehan's techniques).

4) Cheerlead yourself (natural, backed by Manning, Kreger).

5) SET (Kreisman, repeat, repeat, repeat until you think it's enough or you have to go).

6) Validate at every step (Manning).

It helps to keep a schedule of notable dysregulation. It makes things a little more tangible, predictable and manageable. One other person on this board that does this hides the calendar obviously. This helped me feel less swamped with things to do on top of my BPs rages.

I think it's important to relieve yourself in knowing you're not supposed to be your BP's T. Just do your best as their SO.

Well I hope that helps. I think the mods here are much more experienced so I'll defer to their expertise.


Good luck! |iiii

Have you read the success stories thread here yet? There is hope!

I'll add that you can change a heck of a lot more  in yourself than you can change in him. You can change how you respond to BPD behaviors. Read the lessons here, or ask us about specific things you need help coping with.

Even if you do end the r/s, you can make things better right now in it until then.

Hang in there!