BPDFamily.com

I suspect my wife is an undiagnosed BPD and she is in the midst of deep depression.  I am out of work and as such she feels compelled to work.  She is a new lawyer and still learning her craft. I put up with three turbulent years (i.e. my helping her with her school work) of law school and now she hates being a lawyer. This after she hated several other professions that I supported her on.  My wife is an ex-model and suffers from body perception issues - like she is too fat at (115 lbs.).  I made a very high salary and we enjoyed a very nice life style.  For now, I cannot provide for her in the same way and she wakes up depressed, moody, and very irritable.  I dread the morning alarm, knowing I am in for another morning of calling me a loser and that I broke my promises about providing her a pampered life.  She is very insecure about work and comes home crying thinking she isn't as good as her colleagues.  My emotions towards her swing from "deep-seated resentment" to feeling "empathic/compassionate" about the pain of her insecurities.  My wife has two masters degrees and a JD from a top 20 law school - yet she feels she is slow and stupid (she was also diagnosed with ADD).  I would welcome any advice on how to handle her swings in mood and regulate my own.

This is quite common, it is almost as though they need to achieve status to identify themselves as a person. When these things are not achieved to a satisfactory level, and with some that need is never sated, they feel like a failure, and feel like they are nobody.

Part of black and white thinking

My partner is not a high achiever she gives up before trying anything, but the mood swings and feeling like a failure are still there. She is going though depression and mood swings at the moment. Truth is there is not much I can do about it, and you can only listen to so much negative talk before it depresses you too.

Finding that balance is hard. Trying too hard to validate, and getting nowhere causes frustration, you back off and that validates to her that you are not taking it seriously. I guess you just have to aim for being consistent and not allowing yourself to become to entrenched in her woes, even if she is making them about you. Making them about you is just a way of getting you to join in.

Constant finger pointing and blaming is simply baiting. The real issue lies deeper. trying to solve individual issues at hand gets you nowhere. In fact it can frustrate her more as you are not dealing with the emotion just the words/issue. Trying to fix this is in effect trying to take away her vehicle of expression. Which can make her worse, and further confuse you.

You need some kind of buffer between you so that your actions are not simply reactive to the moment

I'm new here... . but the phrase "That's your opinion"... . has done loads of good for me and my relationship.

I used to try to "set her straight"... with facts or reason.

Now an evenly said "That's your opinion" and simply move along seems to do wonders for keeping the "temperature" down.

formflier, Try" I appreciate that's your opinion", sounds a little more accepting that she has an opinion and a little less like there is a "but' to follow.

I'll try it... and I do like that better.  Thanks!

Hello Friends:  There is another way to handle arguments and blame.  Simply say kindly,  "Thank you for sharing your opinion/feelings with me.  I know it must have taken a lot of courage to do so."

And end it there... . no explanations, no justification, no accusation, no retaliation.  And no helping her out of her mood either. 

When she tells you or her insecurities or problems, don't give her solutions.  Just say,  "I know that you are intelligent and strong and will find a way out."

You have to treat her like a child.  She has the emotions of a 5-7 year old and intelligence of a grown, intelligent adult.  The only way to navigate this disconnect is to focus on your emotional, physical, mental and fiscal health.

Don't hesitate to get a counselor for yourself... .   Hope my suggestions help.

 

Think there would be success in using that phrase about thanks for sharing you opinion... I know that must have been hard for you... . to try to change the subject.

I just started another thread about my lovely morning walk with her that was full of negative talk... no so much about me... . but usually that is a precursor to bash me about something.  In other words talk about how horrible men in general are... a bunch of cheaters... . maybe mention on or two other guys that are horrible... . and then... . my name gets roped in.  If if "defend" guys in general or anyone else... . I get roped in earlier.

So... . would I say thanks for sharing... . and "lets talk about something new"... . or do I jump in to sharing about something?

I think you have to differentiate between a neg rave that could turn abusive and simply a twisted view point. You wouldn't want to be thanking her for sharing her opinion if it is heading towards abuse as that would start to sound sarcastic or patronizing. Using "thanks" can be delicate in the application as it can sound like a precursor to "but'. It is effective though when used correctly. Counselors and Ts use it a lot

Hi wbbb36,


often it helps just being aware of your own emotions and accept them. They won't go away but accepting them lets them settle faster. Often we also deal with emotions that are even not our own - they are the result of invalidation through our partner. For that reason it can be very helpful to focus on validating our partner

- less emotions shot in our direction

- we are more aware of what flies our way (and awareness is a big step towards defusing the shells)

Writing on the board can also help processing emotions (there are studies that show writing helps more than talking to an untrained confidant). It move head talk to keyboard talk and that way out of our head.

How is it going?