BPDFamily.com

... . before it get's better.

Damn it I am over 1.5 years out of my BPD r/s.

I am still just seeing how F'ed up I am. Her stuff (as baffling as it was) isn't the issue now. It is what drew me to her and kept me in a crazy r/s.

Working CoDa and ACA and seeing SO much. She was a blessing to take me into understanding myself.

I am tired of reading, writing and responding to the "leaving" board. Differnt details - same story: co dependance and FOO.

Now it's time to admit and purge my stuff. That's a relief!

Good to see you here - it's a big step.   

What is one of the primary issues that you want to work through?

I'm in the same place nolisan; it's not about her anymore, it's about my stuff, front and center.  Reading, learning, processing, growing, all uncomfortable but necessary.

I've been focusing on strength.  What do I need to do, and not do, to make me stronger.  Not feeling especially strong right now, working too much, but there have been times recently where I've felt a sense of calm, a sense of OK-ness, and it's new and good, although so far unsustainable.  Seems like so much work to be strong all the time, and adding people to my life who will help has been challenging.  I'm on the right path though... .  

Same here...

I learned about BPD, about my issues, about my FOO and self. Was down, thinking how likely are things to change, given I have been this way since I was a little kid.

Ran across some helpful things; Mindfulness, shame research, co-dependency books... but they didn't seem to have much to offer on actually changing the way I am.

Read "Wired for Joy"... . and I think it has the information in it (not well presented, but it rings true.)  The author simplifies things down to stress... how much stress do we have and how do we act under it. At really high stress levels, we are reptilian, amoral, survival at all costs creatures... at a bit less stressed we are a mix of reptile/mammal, we have crazy mix mash of emotions and actions... very similar to BPD behavior across the board in my opinion... egoic, and desperate.  A bit less stress and we are more firmly emotional mammalian creatures, okay for functioning, very stressed and emotional, but not really crazed. As our stress drops further we get to be a mix of mammalian and human thinking... and while stressed we work well are motivated and pretty much where everyone wants to be most the time. At little to no stress, we can experience intimacy and real joy, without analysis paralysis or ruminating ... we are actually living life, not reacting to it or thinking about it, or putting it off to some unclear time in the future.

So based on that stress based point of view, she has tools to move from crazy at level 5 stress, down to capable of joy at level 1... . and the info makes sense. Mindfulness alone, seems to move me to about level 2... so it all looks good.

Reason I mention it... this has been the most frustrating level of dealing with the fallout of my BPD r/s. At first it was surviving the pain, then understanding why, then grief and anger and realizing it wasn't all my pwBPD... and digging in to my own FOO and those issues,... . now its moving on and living, and I think stress is a huge part of the problem and always has been. People around me are stressed, we have an epidemic of it.

I am calmer than I have been in years, found that I probably am just poorly attached early on with my FOO... . and still stressed by nature, but I think the path is the right one.

What tools have you found helpful? 

I like your avatar -- that's my goal too!   Here's a list of Buddhist talks that have helped me "admit" and "accept"!  I have each of these as "audiobook."

1.  Pema Chodron - When Pain is the Doorway

2.  Pema Chodron - When Things Fall Apart

3.  Tara Brach - Radical Acceptance

4.  Tara Brach - True Refuge

Also, have you seen the documentary called, "The Buddha"?  It's awesome. 

I have an audio of the Radical Acceptance - very good. I like these authors. Thanks.