BPDFamily.com

Had a thought last night,

It seems I just realized that there was a very real lack of affection in my relationship.  Sure I'd get a hug here and there but never loving affection where you feel the other person being completely comfortable and safe with you.

Has anyone else noticed this?

Yep.  But I am surprised you have only noticed it now! Not meaning to be rude. 

There were times my exBPDbf needed hugs and when he wanted me there all the time,  but it was always all about him and when he needed the comfort.  I'm probably talking about the times after he had pushed me away too far.   In the idealisation periods there was a greater effort to try to be more attentive , maybe overwhelming,  but still something was missing.

It helps to think that he was only playing out his dream of ideal love, but the reality of love is beyond his cognition.

It is quite sad. 

And not to be glib, I feel, and from what I have learnt,  pwBPD can not feel safe or comfortable in a 'romantic r/s',  not completely.  Goes against the very nature of the disorder.   

This makes me really think about my uBPDstbxW. Those nine words sum up the reason why she and I didn't work out.

No offense taken, I am a male after all.

I always noticed the complete lack of meaningful conversations, lack of future planning, lack of initiation, the need for complete control, the constant negativity, the thousands of reasons why she wasn't happy or why she was sick but never went to the doctor.

But lately, I just need a real hug.

Instead I get hatred and anger.

Sums it up for me to and she tells me I don't know how to love

Yes to all of the above. 

My ex was not affectionate.  He said he wasn't raised that way.  We lived separately, and he did initiate hugs before I left to go home.  But while hanging out he wasn't affectionate.  I was affectionate toward him, hugging and kissing him, holding his hand, stroking his hair, normal things that couples do.  He was uncomfortable with it. If I cuddled with him on the couch while watching a movie, he wouldn't touch me unless he had to get up from the couch.  Sad. 

Yes from me too, to all of the above.

How can we live without reciprocity, an important part of a loving relationship?

At times I felt more like a mother, his carer.

Skydancer - you said you need a hug now.   

I would give him hugs when he wanted them, and accepted the one-sidedness as I knew he could not help how he was.   On one occasion he arose early and after a while I went to see he was ok, I asked, gently, if he was coming back up for a hug .  This triggered him massively to  suddenly rage with those big scary eyes, then like a fox in the headlights he disappeared for a few days!

This came from nowhere.

BPD - very complex disorder, but reading is so helpful , I have to remember it is an illness and that really helps in the healing process.  But when there are signs of other factors at play, such as narcissism,  I am not sure how empathetic I would be.

Look after you.