BPDFamily.com

Will I ever escape?

She came to my work today ... . at my lunchtime which I've been trying to scatter at different times to avoid a run in. I didn't see her car until it was to late. She wanted me to get in I said no... . she started to make a scene so I told her I'd meet her down the street. We start to talk and its all the false accusations all over again. I'm defending myself for no reason. It's craziness. I was cheating, I'm sneaking around, I pulled away from her? It's exhausting, truth is she pulled away... It hurt to much for me to stay in the relationship. She is the one who is constantly on her phone texting and on social media... . and I would complain that I shouldn't have to compete for her attention. She had complete control over me at all times... had to know my whereabouts every minute of every day. I never tracked her like that. How do I know if she was not in fact cheating on me and deflecting? Now I'm blocked on FB. It hurt... . I don't know why, I rarely post anything, she is the one who is on it all day. I'm tired and beaten down and an emotional wreck once again. Everytime I start to feel like I can get through this she shows up and destroys me.

Hello Sanity Searcher.   You have come to the right place to begin to sort through the questions and pain that arise when our relationships end.  I am sorry you are hurting, and tired.

I wish I could give you an easy answer, but detaching is a process, which zigs and zags.   I can tell you that the beginning of the end for me also began with being blocked on FB, which hurt more than I expected.

With support from this community, I decide to take the route of No Contact.  I am not sure if you have that option or not; however, I hope you can read, learn, and feel supported here. 

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned here is to let go of self-blame that I could have fixed the relationship.   No Contact has given me the space to sort things out. 

I hope you keep reading and posting.  We're here for you.

Hi Sanity searcher  

I know how you feel! I was the one who left the relationship as well, just when things really started to work. Left after 3.5 years, in the last year of the relationship there was no drama or mistrust, she was working and living at her mums. Then one "little" thing happened.Just like you, I couldn't stand the pain and the likely possibility of it repeating in the future. She texted me today and I got dragged in, the mixed feelings and guilt that one feels afterwards is so over powering. It's quite sad, but I'm kind of used to it by now, and on many occasions I find myself whispering to my self: here we go again. It's like a constant inner battle between logic and emotions. I'm really sick of it and having a month and a half LC/NC has helped me to somewhat distance myself from her. Even though, not a day goes by without me thinking of her or of the events that lead to our break up.

It must be really difficult for you having to face her in person. I would be a complete mess too, no doubt. I've been there as well on many occasions in the past. I now have the benefit of being 1200 miles away, which has it's own challenges, and breaking NC just eliminates those miles and you have her spinning in your head once again in full force.

What she is doing there with you is projecting, she's basically projecting all her bad behaviour on to you. All the doubts you have are well founded my friend, and it is an immense challenge to detach from these relationships, especially if you can't maintain NC. (due to her showing up at your work) and if you still have FOG and "love" then I think you have to distance yourself as much as possible to emotionally detach. Reading and writing here is a very good way of dealing with the turmoil. "  Everytime I start to feel like I can get through this she shows up and destroys me. " I can really relate to this. Try to cut contact to the bear minimum or full NC is the best way if you're truly ready to move on. Good luck, stay mindful!

Thank you soul slider and letting go14

Last night was one of the most emotional nights I've had in a long time and your responses brought me comfort. It helps so much to read about others having similar experiences... . reminds me that she has a "real" problem and it's not just me overreacting or reading to much into her behaviors.

Oh you are far from alone and her problem is real. I went through much of what you did, the constant texting, FB, etc. Even when we were on dates together it garnered her attention. And always secretive always hiding. I let it create a lot of turmoil inside me.

I also ended up blocked on FB (though I rarely use it either) cast out of her fantasy world. She also changed her phone number twice when going off on one of her rages.

What it came down to was she had a lack of respect... . something she would always accuse me of. But I think within her dysfunction she didn't even realize it.

No contact will help you let go, but I have also found that being in contact with her craziness helps numb the pain of wanting her back too.