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So... I'm about 4 months or so into knowing about BPD.  Wife is not dx... . but almost everything fits.

Still in the stop the bleeding stage.

Arguments are WAY down. 

Here is something I have noticed in the last week... . I have some guesses about motivations... . I realize they are guesses... but want some advice about how to respond in a way that improves r/s.

My guess is that she is interpreting my "not taking the bait" and not arguing as not being interested in her.  So... she has really cranked up working on her appearance... . gone to Victoria Secret etc etc. 

I honestly think she looks great... . and don't think she needs to do all of this stuff... . my compliments are generally met with a "yeah right"... . or some comment that seems to indicate I don't know what I'm doing.

So... . I have adopted the "rule"... that I will tell her once (each day or event) that she looks nice or whatever the appropriate comment is... . and then I don't argue or justify the compliment.  Just move along... . in the past justifying compliments sometimes lead to dysregulation... .

So... she is obviously putting out extra effort... . which I do appreciate and enjoy... . how do I respond to this in a way that is helpful to me... . to her... . to the process of at some day hopefully getting her into treatment?

Hi formflier,


this phase is quite normal. After establishing some boundaries new rules of living together need to be established. What is the new (intermediate) normal? There can be some sense of abandonment - maybe not so extreme like in the past "you want to divorce me" but lesser "you are not interested in me". That again needs more validation and less action as the last thing we want is going back to the previous state where we were too close and had no boundaries. Validating the increase distance ("at the moment I focus on work", "sometimes we do things together and sometimes we are engaging in different places at the same time" ) is necessary to allow her to accept it rather than to fight it (although there are worse ways to fight than what you describe her doing).

She is putting effort into her appearances and of course we need to acknowledge that. Your strategy sounds good. When complimenting we need to be straight and a not a bit black but WHITE. B&W is best understood, Grey lesser so. The "yeah right" risks falling into that gap and can sometimes invalidate if understood as a judgment. We can not sustain that all the time WHITE so limiting the frequency makes totally sense. Also it can be important to take away her sense she can control it - compliments are a gift.

Unlike elicited compliments validation should be given freely. After all it is in everyones interest to have a good understanding of oneself and the other.