BPDFamily.com

Our son found out it was happening the day of.  This is the woman he cheated on me with and was contacting during our marriage for years.  7 months after our divorce he is remarried.  1 year 2 months after our separation.  I feel like I am wrecked.  I feel sorry for our son.  I don't know why I feel this way, but all I want to do is cry and lie in bed, but I'm stuck at work.  I am feeling sorry for myself, I know.  I am still wounded from all the turmoil and pain our r/s caused me.  How do BPD people just turn things off and on?  I can't even date without the hurt being so evident it rolls off of me like a thick blanket. I feel like I may never recover or trust again.  It feels like I will never have a companion again.  I have no closure.  No answers.  Just pain. 

I knew something was up because when I called our son over the weekend because he was short and sounded unhappy but he couldn't tell me what was going on.  During the beginning of the separation I was the target of parental alienation.  I tried to recover from that with our son but a few months ago he told me that he blames me for everything.  That hurt really bad.  I don't want to, but I just feel like giving up. 

He keeps not taking our son on his days or following the visitation schedule.  I had plans to go to a meeting on Weds. to help myself.  Now I can't.  This makes me feel like I'm being selfish and a bad Mom that I want time for myself.  But I know our son needs me now more than ever, so I'm glad to take whenever, but the sustained pressure he keeps putting on me is working. I feel like my life is still in turmoil and I can't make plans for myself to heal or have a social life.  People I needed in my life bought into the smear campaign he waged against me at the beginning of the divorce, and I lost critical support because I couldn't believe my family would take his word over mine.  I think I am depressed.  I'm worried and feel like I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up. I don't know how to make myself feel better right now, but I can't fall apart.  This is awful.   :'(

If anyone is available to chat via text, please PM/inbox me.  I'm taking this very hard.

Hey Blue skies ahead,


Is there anyone you can call for help and comfort? These are just some letters written over the internet, unfortunatly there is nothing more I can offer, but hopefully it is a reminder that you are not struggling alone.  I read your pain 

Hang in there!

Hey BSA,

Sorry you are having such a hard time with this - I know it can feel like quite the blow to our own self worth when they seem to move on when we are still at the "what the heck just happened" phase.

First things first - deep breathing does actually help.

Now - rationally, nothing has changed in your life - this is an emotional trigger, but factually, nothing has changed in your day-in/day-out  life, try to keep that fact in mind.

Have you seen a T to help with your possible depression you mention?  I know I was super depressed and lost when I was in a similar situation as you - it really did help.

How is your son taking the wedding news?

Thanks Dog Biscuit and Seeking Balance.  I don't know how our son is taking it yet.  I'm on my way out the door to pick him up and will find out.  I am not seeing a T because I have no health insurance or personal time to take in order to do so.

I feel for you, I really do.  This is something I can see myself having to deal with soon.  I can understand the pain you must feel.

I have felt like that. I know now I will never get closure with my ex. Not "with" him. He doesn't have it in him. I don't even want to speak with him because it would inevitably be words that would be harmful to me in some way.

A question to think about. I do. How can I be compassionate with myself? I am taking care of myself. Lost a lot of weight. Making sure I look good. Doing my hair. Wearing makeup. It helps. Even though it's only on the outside, it helps me to feel good.

I have had a terrible time lately. I keep thinking of times that I was happy, before him. What made me happy? So I go to those things. It's a struggle when you are feeling so terrible, but I try. At least I try every day and slowly I am having better days. Now, finding this board, I know it's not me. I'm not defective. I didn't make him do this. He has a problem. I have nicer people in my life now. So his new woman has the problem now. I mean I had terrible IBS, terrible and painful. It started clearing up soon after he left. I have to think of the reality of being with him, not the rare good times. It wasn't good.

That's how I'm getting better. Just keep going and try.

Good morning out there.

I waited for our son to open up and talk about the weekend "news" but he didn't end up telling me, he told my mother.  I think, given that things have been leading up to this all during the divorce, he's accepted this outcome.  There was a lot of hugging and he seemed regressed a bit, but he's getting support at school and privately in a group of kids that have gone through this and it has made a HUGE difference.   I'm happy it's made a difference for him.

As for me, already today a message in OFW.  He wants certain things from the house and wants to cancel his OFW account and can't take our son next week - again.   Canceling OFW is something he's been trying to do for months.  I do not want to not have that tool.  I swear he is enjoying this.  I never knew such wicked people existed.   He never tires of this, but I am tired ... . Very very tired.

Keep OFW as it shows the courts he is not taking his son.  In your divorce/custody was OFW part of the agreement?

No.  It was in our temporary agreement and not the final, but we've kind of set a precedent, I would like to tell myself.  I think I can argue not including it was an oversight and he will probably make me go that route and have to take it to court because he doesn't want to spend $8/mo.  It's not that he can't afford it and of course I'm already out of pocket my money.  If he doesn't renew, is it my  problem or his?  Our timeshare was supposed to be roughly 60/40 but it's ending up to be more like 70/30 and he never asks for makeup days.   Before OFW he was , on less onerous days, frequently texting trivial things just to keep himself at the forefront of my daily life, and on days he needed to triangulate and acquire negative attention, nasty messages.   I blocked his numbers and told him no communication outside of the program.   He hates it because a Judge or other authority can pop in and review the exchanges or lack thereof on important matters he's failed to communicate with me about. Without it, there is no easy way to communicate and track anything, including reimbursement of medical expenses, calendar changes etc.  and it removes the legal significance of having things date and time stamped and fully admissible in court.   Such headaches.  Do they Ever stop?