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So, where I've been the past few weeks has been exactly where I should be at this moment in my life. I know the new car triggered me, and it got me away from the attitude I had been living. It got quite dark and stormy there for a bit.

I've been having a work conflict, but my boss knows how important therapy has been, so I rescheduled my doc's appointment to Mondays. I have a script for antidepressants just haven't filled it yet. Maybe a fear of mine to be labeled? So, I filled them and wil start them tonight. My P  says that they may be just what I need to help me get over the hump, that I'm doing well and on my way to detaching, and pointed me to the future. It was a good session and I am totally normal with how long out I've been. I'm grateful for him steering me in th right direction.

I'm extremely grateful for the "staying board" here. Reading those posts the past week and feeling their pain makes the thoughts of desire for her vanish quickly.

I cried for the last time, I won't be a sissy another second. I have shed my last tear for her and for our family. It's back to me- the only one I can fix. Going back to alpha, and getting my goddamn balls back. I also thank and am grateful for all of my homies (you know I owe each of you a round of drinks) on here that have stuck with me and were patient with me while I bhited, moaned and whined th past 2 weeks. I look forward to freedom from detaching and for the even longer tougher road ahead,

"Bring it. B**ch!"

Yeah Arn this board is a life saver.   I can't imagine not reading the various insights in this life changing event we all had. 

You're the man.  Strength in numbers!

I tied a lot of shame to antidepressants... . I had a script for months and finally, one of my best friends (since we were 10) is a Dr. and looked at me and said, "SB, if you had high blood pressure or a thyroid problem you would take the pill.  Your brain needs a boost - seratonin - it is depleted.  It isn't forever and it doesn't make you weak."

You know what?  That 10% less anxiety helped me so much.  I wasn't numb, I still had to deal with my feelings and my issues - but a good night's sleep and a little less extreme emotions certainly helped.

The greatest strength is the ability to take help when you need it.

Peace,

SB

I understand when you say that it "labels" you, you're P has a good suggestion with helping you get over this hump.


Grieving is a process.

I like your attitude Arn131arn, you're determined and you get back on the horse.  |iiii

Arn, we all know where you're coming from when you say this, but don't close yourself off to your true feelings, ok? You may, or may not, cry again while continuing to deal with this. You may get angry again. You may take a step or two back. Please don't set yourself up to feel worse by using self-defeating terms like 'sissy' to describe yourself having genuine human emotions. It's healthier and stronger of you to face them when they come, learning to cope, than to stuff them inside. It's a journey, not a race.

I understand what you're saying, myself. I can see your point but I feel like I was doing better with a different attitude. My attitude was all about me, my future, my son, my hope, and my happiness. Somewhere in the past 14 years I lost all that, got it back, and two weeks ago, lost it all again.

At the advice of another member, I was told to write a list if all the cons I hated about my relationship with her. I cannot believe the things I stayed around after trying to make it better when nothing was ever right. I mentioned today, I had sex with her in the 1st date and that I witnessed her cracking a bottle over her head ( yes, a real life beer bottle) after dating a few months, and my P said we were doomed from the start.

We are starting to delve into what made me so attracted to this woman. And the embarrassment of leaving a woman with a young child had allot to do with it. Being raised a man takes care of and provide for his family.

Those are the things I'm trying to deal with now. But until I can resolve those things, I'm going to:

1) eat ribs without a napkin

2) eat hot dogs with mustard during baseball this year

3) bench 300 pounds again

4) talk to as many women as I can

5) get back in jiu-jitsu

6) get another tattoo

7)  with the door open

8) piss outside every now and then

9) get in touch with my masculinity that I let her take away from me every time she recycled me and clipped my nuts a little higher and a little higher!

10) but I refuse to cry another tear for her again. I can be compassionate, sincere, loving and caring towards her, but I'll pass on the tears!

Thanks, Myself.

Arn

I started taking an anti-depressant a year before the end of the r/s, the "normal" anxiety I'd always had (that I'd shelved for years, just thinking of it as a character trait) just become too much to bear, and I felt if I didn't deal with it then, it was going to deal with me.

It allowed me to "tolerate" her behavior, not so much as in "this is acceptable behavior" sense, but in that it got my mind right to the point where I could sleep better at night and her actions didn't affect my nerves the way it did.

2 months before the relationship ended (and I moved out), when the end was plainly clear to see, I upped my dosage because the anxiety became too much again and I realized I needed a little more to get through the end and the post r/s devaluation that was inevitable to come.  I'm 5 months out, cut back my dosage back to a maintenance dosage two months ago.  I realized it was time to cut back when I was feeling groggy, and after I had been removed enough from the situation that I didn't feel as anxious or depressed anymore.

Life is tough man, we all deal with our own stuff, all have our moments, and if you need a little help to get you past those bumps, screw what other people think if it makes you healthy.  Better to take a low dosage of the pill to see if it helps a little after the time it takes to become active, then adjust it with your P as need be.  Way better than boozing or some other way to cope that could get out of hand.  If you can get on the right med, it will have a low potential for abuse and has the possibility to work wonders along with therapy and posting here.  

Not saying that it's guaranteed to work for you, but if it has a chance to help you achieve peace, it may be worth trying.

I like your ideas of ways to "alpha yourself", as I enjoyed "taking back my stuff" which she disapproved of, which in the end didn't make me a bad person, it just made me me.