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DD called today and was transferred to work release dorm. Only 10 women on unit. Have big locker inside for 5 changes of clothes and personal hygiene stuff. She will be responsible for providing all this for herself. Small locker for stuff not allowed in jail in hallway before locked door into this wing of jail. She can have her cell phone, cigarettes, money... .  Whatever she needs to get through the day.

Searching for job - has 2-3 weeks to find one to pay $17/day fee to 'live' at jail plus her her other needs. She has orientation in the morning, then thinks she will get a 5 hour pass to get her clothes and stuff. I have agreed to bring her to the house for this stuff.

Dh is taking off work early to be here when gd's bus comes. If DD is still here and in good mood, gd is prepared to come in and say hi. Then Dh plans to drive her to play at a nearby park. DD knows she has to maintain to be here at all. I know the T will not really approve of this -- DD needs to get her stuff. She has not been the house in 6 months - 4 living in motel and on probation, 1 avoiding police and 1 in jail waiting for work release.

I am trying to  remember that she is much more stressed than I am. She is trying hard to be successful and stay on work release. If she fails, there are 6 more months in jail.

My stress is her extreme sensitivity to not being allowed to live in our home, and restrictions to her contact with gd.

I spent this afternoon and evening finishing sorting through her room. Dh and I moved the furniture out already, and all her clothes are clean and piled in the adjoining family room. If you count the gallons on the tubs and piles on the floor she has about 1000 gallons of clothing. The entire top of the washer and dryer are small tubs of personal hygiene stuff - including a shoe box full to the brim of finger nail polish!

Have no illusions about how DD will react to her room being dismantled - she will feel abandoned and rejected. I have told her this on jail phone calls and written it in letters a couple times. This is area the has created intensity on phone calls, with one of us hanging up. Hope get past this point before the school bus.

Also hope the neighbors can understand this is a one time visit. Do I text them - the two that are now allowing gd to play again with their kids? So they do not make assumptions? Geez, why is this all so complex?

We are storing her stuff in a 6x10 cargo trailer we bought and have parked in our backyard. I keep reminding dh this is instead of a storage unit, and to give it at least 2 years before he can use it for his own purposes.

Focusing on taking this an hour at a time tomorrow, living in the day. I have no ability to predict or control the future. My heart is singing in gratitude that I can offer this to DD. I am feeling strong in my values and boundaries as each moment unfolds tomorrow.

Will let you know how things go.

qcr

qcaroir

That all sound very promising on both your parts. I think it is good for gd to be able to see her mother and that should be encouraged. This has been a sore point with her and I am hoping she will appreciate the gesture. I do hope she is able to get a job and be able to stay in the new place. Have you seen any positive change since she was in jail? Has the structure helped her? hang in there and I hope all goes well tomorrow

qcarolr,

Thanks for the update. Things seem to moving along.

I feel worried about your DD coming to get her things and seeing her room dismantled. I can imagine how very triggering this could be, even if she has been forewarned.

Is there anyway the police can be there while she does this? Not in a confrontational way but merely to "keep everyone safe"? If not the cops then perhaps an impartial person- would her PO be willing to do this as a favor?

Wishing all of you the best. There is a little something in your post that sounds like DD is accepting of having to work and this will be so positive for her (or will finding a job be an impossibility?) and move things more and more in a better direction.

Will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Thursday

qc,

I too am worried about your daughter coming to the home... . dismantled room or not. I hear your reservations about this, the T. would not agree with this plan, there is your gd's life potentially being disrupted again by the loss of friends/neighbors. Then, maybe she gets to see her mom, maybe not. It sounds like a large risk in so many ways. You are thinking of ways through this, many details and ways through this for what purpose?

Can I ask... . are you doing this to soothe yourself?

While very difficult, you could bring her things to her. Have her make a list of what she needs, keeping your boundaries in place that your home is a safe place for you, dh and gd. It seems like a large risk for you three and an opportunity that your daughter realizes that she can break you down.

I hope I'm not upsetting you. I want the very best for you. I really mean that but I have reservations in this plan. Try not to make an emotional decision. I almost feel like in your post you are trying to convince yourself when you aren't sure.

Yes, there are risks for emotional breakdown with DD. I am willing to take the risk. The T works with lots of kids in similar situations. I also believe that we can make this a safe moment of contact between DD and gd. This is one 'purpose' in allowing this.

Financial needs: I have no idea what clothing fits DD at this time. She has so much of what she needs here. I do not want to take her shopping for 5 changes of clothes and all the personal care items. Even at a thrift this a.)cost a lot of money b. takes a lot of time.

Emotional needs: Some are mine. Some are for DD to accept the reality of not living in our home. Seeing her furniture stored, safely in our backyard in locked trailer, is positive. My need is to be able to help her work through  this. She knows if she loses it I will call the police and she will have another charge and lose the work release option.

There is a lady that comes daily to the jail to offer day labor. DD should qualify for this program, and would build some work experience. I do not know how much support is offered in the program. All I can do is encourage her to be confident she can do the job, and to be honest when a task is bumping her LD limits.

Dh and I have discussed the risks, we have talked with gd about the risks - she is very aware, we have made our safety plan and labeled it as just that. Dh will be here for gd, I will be with DD.

In a divorce situation the kids have to go to both parents even when it is traumatic. Court ordered. Why is this grandparent/adult child 'divorce' so much different? Our custody order provides for DD to have visitation. We can require supervision and behavior restraints for this. It is better to work in a positive way to help gd overcome her anxieties around her mom than continue to support the fears. I am surprised the T does not support this even a little.

Thanks for all your encouragement and caution.

qcr

Qcarolr it sounds like you've thought out your choices and picked the best of what's available to you.  It's so hard to accomplish that when mostly all of the choices we get having to deal with our dds and dss suck.  Choosing the best of the worst is exhausting and beyond stressful. I like that you have fallback plans in mind for the different scenarios that may come up.  Again, not all pleasant, but very necessary. I would be still concerned about the neighbor situation... . maybe it would be wise to forewarn, maybe just take your chances and resign yourself to having to do damage control after the fact, if necessary.  I wish you the best and think you are proceeding in the best way possible for all of your family.  Blessings... . lorilb

qcr,

You have been in my thoughts and prayers.  Hope all went well.

peaceplease

Dear qcr, I also hope everything went well, as I with others had concerns about your DD getting triggered... .


I will be very honest: in my opinion, if this was a divorce, there would be only supervised visitations. No other options, as your DD is not stable enough to be able to control her behavior.

Under the supervisor, if things would start to get out of hand, gd would be immediately taken out of her mom's presence, and the visitation would end to protect gd from trauma.

I am only guessing here as to why the T is not supportive: as you are emotionally involved with both gd AND DD, you cannot really provide that neutral ground, plus in the supervised setting, it is easier to keep everyone safe... . Just my opinion on that one.

DD did great today. Gd's initial response was way extreme just knowing her mom was in the house. We all got there about the same time - Dh, then DD and I, then the school bus - within a 5 minute window. DD did not get triggered at all to anything. She expressed her thankfulness that I was with her for the 5 hour furlough. (12:45 to 5:45).

A little girl was knocking at the door to play right after the bus came, so that is what gd did. Played in the front yard, dh doing a project in the garage, Dd and I in the basement finding what would fit after gaining 20 lbs. on jail food and lots of snack stuff. Gd came in to show her mom the hermit crab she has tamed so it plays with her. She allowed DD to give her a hug when we left.

Gd's T has made a big point to me to help gd work through her anxiety and fear - not to avoid it. Avoidance can allow the fears to take on a life of their own separate from the current situation. I think all the open avoidance of contact with DD, though needed when she was doing drugs and with her entourage of toxic friends, fed gd's fears. Phone contact can be safe, if on speaker phone. I have asked gd to do this a couple of times in past two weeks on calls from jail. I have tried to talk with gd about her mom loving her and not being able to take care of her. Gd has been talking with T about her mom - what it is like in jail, what she does during the day... . I asked the T about this after gd's last session.

Even though the T was hesitant about pressuring gd to see her mom, Dh and I feel things worked toward good today. I would not have been able to be here for DD today if DH was not available to be here with gd -- both for emotional support and to cover gd while I drove DD back to jail. I will NOT take gd in a car along with DD anytime. That is a trigger cocked and ready to be fired. I am so very grateful the timing worked perfectly today.

DD shared with me on the ride back to jail that she had extreme responses just like gd's when she was little, and did not understand what triggered them either. She was pondering if there was a genetic link - ie. just being born anxious. We talked a bit about having safe, non-toxic friends. DD said - help gd NOW with this. Before high school when she got into trouble with partying and bad friends. She also said I was a good mom, just unpredictable - sometimes she did not know what to expect each day. Consistency has been a huge struggle for me as I worked on my bipolarII over DD's lifetime. Though not perfect, I am more stable now.

I am just amazed that DD seems to know EVERYONE that crossed our path today. Oh that is someone from my T days (girlfriend in 2006 - 2009 era of cocaine use sandwiched before and after the life of my gs before his foster-adoption. Oh, and that girl is from high school. And that guy too, we just keep crossing paths. So she has seemed to shift from the homeless group - that seems to be less stable than 5 years ago for whatever the reasons (hmmm-many seem to be in  jail right now... . stronger enforcement effort to clear the public parks perhaps?). And she acts like they are all best of friends. Ah well,   life of DD.

Someone is working with DD in the jail to get her needs met. She seems connected -- we went to mental health center first to refill meds - and she had refill on them! The pharmacist suggested she check in at front counter to see if she was still an active client. She had to do new intake assessment. This all got done in about 30 minutes. She is put on walk-in appointment schedule, and they will contact her supervisor at the work release program to confirm day she is to come in. She can also have a bike - maybe DH will let her have his sitting unused in the garage (garage sale find for $40 to ride with gd - he has done this yet). She also called to checkin with her probation officer. She will be serving probation while on work release.

She was very proud to show me her "Socialization CBT" workbook. "mom, this workbook is just for me". AWESOME. She also gets along with all the others in her dorm so they can talk about their common experiences.

Now for her to find that elusive job to pay for all this and stay in the program! She got an application at Subway today when we stopped for a sandwich. It was a short one pager, then she flipped it to sign, And there was the 'employee test'. It was all arithmetic -- adding column of numbers, making change, doubling recipes for tuna, counting inventory... .  Easy for you and me. Does not compute for DD -- just is not there for her. This is heart of her learning disability. So she took application form with us, then put in trash in car.

I hope she is able to go to the WorkForce office and get a job counselor. We talked about jobs with zero math needs. Dishwasher; table busser; kennel worker; sorter in receiving at thrift store.

Janitorial is really n/a - even though this is what judge in her SSI case said she should be able to do. "anyone can push a broom?"  My dh works in maintenance and occasionally helps the housekeeping staff at the elderly facility where he works. You have to be able to compute and measure the cleaners - this is math that would be hard for DD. Maybe if she had very specific written directions it would work.

THis part gets me going if I let it. Today -- I stayed focused on what the tasks were for today. Another big hug from DD as see walked to alternative sentencing door with her two big bags of stuff. She was smiling and hopeful.

Another bonus - DD has the same good PO as before this jail term. She has seemed to really get DD's mental health issues when the detox meltdown happened in Feb - she is a licensed counselor and is familiar with BPD and DBT.

So we will see how things go day by day. I am focusing on living hour to hour the rest of this week in all my relationships.

qcr

PS. DD told me they offer free testing for all the drug and sex related things. She has hepititis C. I am so angry at "M" the last BF. DD told me before he is the one that got her to try injecting drugs (recently told me this, not while they were doing it and she said - "I hate needles and will never do that!". She said he told her via text when she was living in last motel. What a messed up world. Need to get some accurate info on treating this, and encourage DD to find doctor to keep following her with this.  :'(  She said something about how self-destructive she has been living. She wants to move forward in her life. Sure hope she can get a job.

I am so relieved everything went well today with your DD at your house.  One step at a time... .

Hi, qcarolr 

I, like Verbena, am so happy that yesterday went so well! It really sounds like your daughter has made great strides lately, and your granddaughter also... . You should very proud of both of them, and of yourself and your husband for all of this progress!

So your daughter has been formally diagnosed with the Hep C? If her doctors are aware of it, then there should be some monitoring of it being done I would think. In my state, once a person is diagnosed with it, the health department is notified and they keep that person monitored. If they are active drug users (and I'm not saying your daughter is; since she's been incarcerated and in treatment I have to assume that she is clean and sober), then they are given access to clean needles and the means to dispose of old ones very carefully.

The treatment my own son has been having is regular blood tests to measure his liver enzyme numbers, CDCs, and other things I don't remember. He also has had a sonogram of his abdomen to check for internal damage. In the early months of his being diagnosed (and I doubt he was totally clean and sober for this), he had to have immunization treatments to ward off the occurrence of Hep B (apparently you are more susceptible to it if you already have Hep C). Shots that he had once a month for a few months, then again several months later (and then maybe another; it was several years ago so I'm not sure).

After being clean and sober for 6 months, they start deciding which Hep C treatment they will give you (there are a few different ones out there, depending on the severity of your illness). My son has been very lucky; the progression of his Hep C isn't bad (all the many tests show that), and though he's been clean and sober for more than 13 months now ( :) ), his Specialist is waiting for the newest treatment program for Hep C (that is coming out this October) to be available for him. I believe it will consist of just 2 pills taken once per day, and I also believe that it will not involve injections of Interferon at all (which the other treatments do have). There are supposed to be very little, if any, side effects to this newest treatment. And another great thing about this new treatment is that it only lasts for 4 months. The other treatments last for one year, with side effects.

If she does, indeed, have Hep C, she needs constant monitoring of her health and bloodwork, and subsequent immunizations for Hep B, and then the preparations for the Hep C treatment that is best for her. So, having her seeing a Dr. for this is integral. Good luck with this, qcarolr... . But, if she doesn't have a terrible case of it, then the treatments for it may not be as bad as she fears 

Verbena and Rapt Reader - thanks for the encouragement. I saw gd's T today. She was also OK with how things went. She still wants us to limit these kinds of contact, most esp. at our house and in our neighborhood. The likelihood of DD flipping into a rage is present into the foreseeable future. I really do get, more than ever, the unpredictable nature of BPD. Even with treatment, stress is a part of life. Have to keep practicing in my mind these boundaries and what is most important - gd's mental health. There is a strong desire for me today to find somewhere else to park this trailer full of her life away from our home. Dh can't see any need for this. I have to be strong when talking with DD.

Rapt Reader - thanks for the info. I did some reading online about Hep C. and DD needs more detailed info about the type of virus she has and whether she just has antibodies or active virus... . She needs to find a doctor, and she is so resistant. I think this is part of her self-harming patterns in some way. Is there a specialist that your DS goes to? DD has medicaid which has been expanded in our state, so I know she has access. Since it was the jail that dx this, I am hoping they will help her follow up. I have told her I would drive her to get a check-up with her infectious disease doc for her MRSA, so maybe her could help with this too at that clinic.

The shorthand is HCV. I heard DD saying she was getting free testing for "HIV" when she first mentioned this on the phone a couple weeks ago. That the jail offers it free so 'why not'. She was saying "HCV" which I had never heard before.  She said that exbf"M" told her he has Hep C and that they had shared a needle. He knew this before the needle sharing incident(s). I think he told her this in January when DD was with a new 'bf'. DD said he and exbf"G" introduced her to this. I have been so naive, ignorant, in denial. None of her bf's ever should have been allowed in our homes overnight. DD wore us down - relentlessly.

Such a relief to have her room no longer a bedroom.

qcr

Yes... . He sees a Gastroenterologist at a University Hospital in a medium-sized city near us. His regular G.P. and his Psychiatrist (who specializes in drug addiction therapy) also monitor him and the various Hep C health-related issues. But, probably the Gastroenterologist is doing the bulk of the treatment once it starts.

I'm sorry your daughter was diagnosed with this, and I hope it's in a stage that can be treated in the "easy" way... .

Offered to go with DD to register at workforce tomorrow. She needs support of a job counselor, and they have unlimited computer access for job searching, applications, etc. It is also away from the homeless crowd at the public library where she can get computer access. The library is a core spot for the homeless here.

It is a 3 minute bus ride from the jail to the workforce center. Transportation is not the obstacle.

She told me she went to register with a day labor agency today that came to the jail to pick up workers. They had her do a 40 question test -- she failed it twice and has to go back on Monday. She thinks getting a piece of paper to mark where she is on the answer sheet will help a lot.

I am feeling kind of sad tonight. DD's strong resistance confounds me. And everyone else that cares. Like she needed vision therapy - evaluated at age 6 and age 11. She refused to participate, and refused to wear glasses. At age 11 I gave up and did not even buy the glasses. She finally got some at age 18 -- they are in her stuff packed from her room. I offer to take her for an eye exam and new glasses - she yeah, let's do that. But then she is not available when I can take her. This is just one example of her pattern.

Then there is this young girl I hear giggling with her dog in the backyard playing keep away. Gd has Perseverance. She might be breaking her pencil or sending the chair across the room, but she does not give up. Think I will go push her in the giant swing hanging from the tree.

Tomorrow will take care of itself.

qcr

Met DD at 7:45 am. We got coffee, a bus pass and stopped at a couple leads to apply for jobs. They all need her to apply online. So we went to the Workforce office. The job counselor got her password (she was still in the system frwpom 8 years ago when she was getting public assistance with her new baby), and sat her in front of the computer. I sat in the waiting area 'allowing' DD to do this independently. Well, she was frustrated after about half hour and we left.

She needed an email account for all the applications. She has several and cannot remember the passwords. The counselor said 'it may take months'... . Not much help with only 1 week left of the 2 week deadline of work release program.  So I gave her one of my email accounts - it is set up for her stuff anyway (my housing searches, her cell phone,... . ). We tried together to set up account to apply with Whole Foods. They would not accept this email account. It had just downloaded on her phone... . it is a good account. After 5 tries we gave up.

We stopped at a telephone marketing company though, and they passed her 20 wpm typing test and she has an interview on Monday. They hire' just about anyone', train them, and have a high turnover. I will be praying she at least gets a chance to try this job. DD knows lots of people that have worked there including some exbf's. Somehow she never got there to apply before, though she had talked about it.

When I dropped her off she turned to me, made eye contact, and said "You are the best mom I could ever have."  I said 'WHAT". Really, I said that. She explained, she could have gotten a much worse mom -- maybe even one like the judge that sentenced her to 9 months in jail for misdemeanors!  [part of her anger is knowing others in jail on shorter sentences with bigger crimes - at least bigger in her mind. IMHO, the court is trying to force her to 'recover'. She has to do self-improvement classes, go to AA or NA meetings, AND work at a job to be in the work release program. She likes this better than the regular jail. Even with the gross daily searches when she gets back to the jail each day... . ]

It was good to connect with her. I am really tired now though. I sure do want some energy back. Maybe I need an anti-depressant or something... .

qcr

qcaroir:

The outside help is creating space for you and your daughter to be able to relate authentically.  Your dd is grateful.

I always read your posts, as you are so honest and wise.

Reality

Have more energy this morning. Sat is only day we can all sleep in - at least as long as the dog let us.

Talked with dh today about new idea. My boss has let close family of other employees use extra space and internet for job searches. Maybe I can offer this to DD. I am only there 2 days a week. She could come any day. It would offer safe place with nice people to do her job searches and applications. There is an extra desk with computer right now. It will also give her a choice to stay away from the homeless hangouts at the public library where she has been using the computers.

I work a 5 minute bus ride from the jail. She has a bus pass - I will allow her to use it.

qcr

Do you ever fear that sharing progress might jinx success? I am releasing my fear hourly today and feeling this moment of joy. Let's celebrate! :)

DD started her new job today and called to say "training is going well". Yesterday I picked her up early at the jail, she went to my office with me then walked the 2 blocks to her interview and was hired. $9/hour. It is a telephone survey company. They get contracts to do surveys, not selling. They have high turnover and work with a lot of more transient employees.

DD called this morning as I was getting ready to dry my hair -- she needed her birth certificate or would have to wait to start next week. They only train on Tuesday's. I was on my way to town anyway so dropped it off. She was out with others laughing and talking on a break. She works 8am - 3pm. The 5 minute bus ride from jail - leaves at 7:45 am and the return bus stops almost at the door of her employer at 3:15.

I am truly in awe how things are working out for her. How I am able to give true support from the fringes of her life. The support structure in the work release program is acceptable to her.

Then she called this afternoon if I could get her early (7:45am) Thursday to drive her to meet with her probation officer. It would take too long on the bus. Her employer was making an exception for the early morning appt. already. With minor change in my schedule this will work for me.

DD seems to get along well with the others in this program. She is also doing classes in the jail and went to church with free lunch on Sunday. The church brings a van to pick them up, or maybe a couple of vans.

I realize that DD is in her 'highest level' of functioning right now as an untreated pwBPD. I am hopeful the structure will allow her to stay here, and being drug free for a change. My intuition tells me that she is operating emotionally in the 17 - 19 age range, or maybe just a little younger. Reminds me of how she acted during her more stable times in her last years of high school. When she was in a good r/s with a bf. Before the r/s turned upside down.

I am celebrating how she asks me only for what she cannot do for herself, or when she knows she needs some extra emotional support for a specific task. She is motivated to stay in this program.

qcr

qcr

Your dd is working hard toward positive changes. That is great news.

Oh, qcarolr... . I cannot tell you how happy I am for you     

I pray that this is the beginning of something wonderful for your daughter and your whole family 

|iiii

The other thing I am being able to let go of is feeling only an intensive psych based program can put DD on the "right path". I mentioned the 9 month dual-dx program in our state. She does not believe she needs an intense program like that. Maybe she is right, hmmmmm. Maybe she needs success in daily living with support to be clean and sober.

First steps.

Reminds me of Thursday's story with her SD.

qcr

That is definitely possible, qcarolr... .

Everyone is different, and with some real-life success in her life--and some real happiness, too!--she may just rally and rise to expectations.

I really do wish her all the best in this. And it sounds like the system is there for her, at last, to support her. Yaaaaay!  :)

So happy for your DD! Is this her very first job?

Praying and hoping that things will keep going smoothly for her, and that she can settle into a comfortable routine that will make her feel confident and competent, and that the system can be there for her this time and see her all the way through... .

She was in a work program in high school. She was successful as a sophomore in volunteer positions, though required a lot of support. One was working with 2nd graders in the library. The other was working in a pet store. As a junior they put her in positions that failed. Tutoring after school kids that were doing math beyond her limited ability. Then on a snack line in another high school cafeteria (paying job) where she was asked to take money and make change. She lasted a week before the perceived humiliation of her failure to do the money part, and feeling looked down on  by other high school kids got too much. she walked off job with no notice.

In 2008 she got a job at a major grocery store in the bakery. She did adequate in the small store where she trained for 2 weeks. Just her and the head baker. He complained that she was too slow, but seemed OK otherwise. Then they put her in the busiest store in town. She could not keep up, she would not disclose her limits, and after burning a whole oven of bread while everyone else went to lunch she melted down and walked away. She was let go the next day.

She deserves support and success.

qcr

qcr,

Awesome!  Awesome!   I was just skimming here real quick.  i plan on coming back this evening.  I have to to work in a little bit.  I was so happy to see your good news.  And, yes, I always fear jinxing if I report good news.  Then, I tell myself I am being ridiculous with superstition.

My dd just obtained a new job, and starts training on Monday.  Her self esteem is soaring!  She will lose  some of her govt subsidies and is worried about her.  I told her how good it will feel to be doing it on her own.  And, she will have the means to do so.  This is her highest paid position ever.  I hope for this last for a while.

I am so happy for you!  Getting a job on work release is a real accomplishment.  I am impressed with you dd!

Well, gotta run.

peace

Wow! It seems like your DD just got really discouraged, and slipped through all the cracks when she was a teenager... .

I think that with some tender loving care of support and the right kind of job, she might be able to get more stable and perhaps even build the courage and desire to work hard in therapy... .

I am praying for her environment - the people that are in charge of her life right now that there is someone who will be able to see her through to a positive outcome... .

Another good day for DD.  :) Since she had an appointment before work the jail gave her until 8pm to return tonight. She called me bored at 6:45 - not really wanting to go back to jail early but nothing to do. So we talked for 15 minutes then the bus came. End of route so bus driver told her he was taking a 25 minute break - he went into the Wendy's near bus stop. She is planning to start walking to work - maybe 45 minute walk - to lose some weight. AWESOME.

Got another letter from exbf that is also in jail. DD said she did not even want to read the letter. She wants to focus on doing her job and probation without his distraction. AWESOME.

It feels so good to be able to connect with her in these positive ways, and to watch her continue to make good choices. I think some of her classes at the jail are helping her, though she does not share any details with me.

  I am a tired momma - it was a very busy long day for me. A little vent might help. DD called at 7am - waiting outside jail. I had to get dressed yet, get gd dressed - fed- meds- Dh waited with her for bus. Drove DD to her first appt. with new PO - it went well. Then stopped for some essentials at store then dropped her at work. Across the street is Humane society - meds for dog allergies picked up. The to work, next door to where DD works. The over to church at noon to set up my part of an Easter activity (this was 'me' time) though had to ask someone to finish so I could pick up gd at school. Across the county again to mental health center for 2 appts. - T and pdoc. Home at 5:40, drop off gd, rx to drugstore. Error on the rx for adderall - pdoc forgot to seperate adderall for name brand as medicaid will not pay for generic! So wanted them to contact him tomorrow. I saw this leaving the parking lot at mental health - gd already seatbelted in and we had been in waiting room an hour already between appointments. Drug store can get rx fixed. Then had to get gas and buy deli chicken for dinner - gd will eat this.

pdoc suggested I get gd an OT evaluation for her extra sensitive mouth and hearing. This may be part of her extreme picky eating (her appetite is effected by adderall too) and her extreme distress at loud sounds. Maybe I can call next week.

Whew. Thanks for listening to this rant. No wonder I am tired. So nice to have you all to celebrate with.

qcr

qcr

My dBPDs is also affected by loud noises and bright lights.  It is part of his ultra-sensitive biological makeup which is triggered by his BPD. 

Please keep having good days.  So nice to hear good news!

DD managed to get where she needed to be this past weekend without my help. She asked - I was not available - there was no anger toward me. She had a pass to go to church both Saturday night and Sunday morning. Then she got a ride to Urgent Care. She called me to pick her up, which I could do after dh got home from work to be with gd.

I met DD for lunch today, then drove her back to the jail. She left work early because she kept needing to go the the restroom and she kept crying... . Dd is trying so hard to be successful at her job of a week. She is too slow. Has been called into supervisor's office 2 times and told to work 'significantly faster'. She is making phone calls for surveys -- reading a script and typing answers into computer. Slow processing is a core part of her learning disability. DD says the work release jail supervisor does not believe this when she tells her. She asked me to get a copy of an eval report for the jail.

Urgent Care:  abdominal pain/cramping for a couple of weeks. They gave her IV antibiotics and then prescriptions for 2 more antibiotics pills for 2 weeks. Thought she was having pelvic inflammatory disease symptoms. She has appointment tomorrow to get her IUD checked. Then today they called her that she tests positive for Hep C and this could also be some of the pain. DD was fearful of this after contact from exbf before her arrest in March. She is very grateful that the HIV test was negative.

DD is very fearful about the treatments for this - "like chemo" is what she has been told. Not sure who said this to her. She had testing done in March by jail that showed Hep C but she did not really believe it until today. I shared with her that there are several treatments now, and she will need further testing to figure out which strain she has and what is the best treatment path. She has a referral to the infectious disease clinic. She is already a client there from her MRSA infections.

The good news in all this, at least for me, is that DD is accepting full responsibility for these medical problems. She told me "I did this to myself". And she wants to recover! She wants to quit smoking cigs. She accepts that she needs to do what the doc's say and keep up her health.

I am going with her to her appointment in the morning. She is meeting me at my office. She wants to apply at a thrift store for a job since she fears being put back in regular jail if she if fired from current job. She knows that medical care is not good in the regular jail.

She could ask for daily reporting if she had a place to live with a landline for the monitoring equipment. That is more costly than the work release, and she does not manage alone very well. My biggest fear is her finding somewhere to live since she cannot live in our home.

I am trying to take this all a day at a time, just as I have suggested she try to do.

qcr

Dear qcr. Glad you had a good day with your dd. Hope she continues on such a good path always in my prayers 

Drove DD to her doctor appointment on Monday at her primary care clinic. She has appoinment in a couple weeks with GI specialist to follow up on Hep C. Then dropped her at work about 10am. She showed up at my office with her lunch about 1pm. When I asked when she had to be back to work, she said she had signed out early. She went downtown to see old friend.

I had a sense that she was drifting away from compliance with the work release program after Monday. She hates the phone calling job. I gave her the phone # and name of supervisor at the thrift store she applied for online last week.

She called me this morning to go with her to this interview - it is all the way across town and her bus pass expired with change to new month. I got her a May bus pass and waited in car with her new friend while she did her interview. She has to complete an online employee survey and they are calling her references and the jail supervisor. If this is done OK, then she will have the job. I dropped her and friend off at library to use free computers there. I will keep praying it works out for her. Then for her to show up!

This new friend, a guy of course, is also in the work release program. He is still in the job search phase. He lost his ID and is waiting for another to come from N.Carolina. He might get "rolled-back" into jail before it arrives. He waited with me while DD at her interview. Always an interesting thing to listen to DD's friend's story. He was very open with me - well he was using DD's phone to contact lots of people while he had the chance. Amazing what you learn when someone is searching for ID info -- he has a daughter about age 3 that he needs to send child support for (talking to the new 'daddy' in her life - his ex was still asleep); he is working to get court fees waived - talking to collections person at clerk's office - more than one case number; etc.  Then he was going on and on about how he has all the inventions and ideas to make money using crowd-funding through facebook. He showed me his little notebook filled with ideas - he does have a lot of them all laid out in fine handwriting. Quite the scamming entrepreneur! Reminds me so much of gd's daddy. I asked him what his charges were - theft and being stupid when drunk/high/stoned. Same story as most of DD's other friends. They all use the jail revolving door system of life.

For some reason I feel at peace when this goes on in my car. DD and her friends must feel safe there - I learn a lot. I am able to stay in a very non-judgemental place. And DD is in a good mood with this new 'object' in her life. [puts her in level I of Gunderson's 3 levels of emotion - discussion of object constancy. there is a thread on this somewhere]. DD is who she is, and will do what she does.

So I am choosing to live in today. Practicing being in the moment to find peace. Have been learning centering prayer. It is good. My blood pressure is even down to normal over the past 2 weeks. There is greater affection in my home with gd and dh -- another sign of my greater place of peace.

TLC - two steps forward and one step back leads to progress when viewed from a distance. I am connected to DD with a strong bond and keeping my distance as needed.

qcr

In case you are newbie:  TLC is Tiny Little Changes

qcr

DD starts at a new job on Tuesday - thrift store she interviewed 2 weeks ago, then her online application was lost in virtual reality. She resubmitted 4 times. They could not officially hire her until online appl. accepted by store. So much tension and within a day of getting rolled back into regular jail. I resubmitted this morning for her, and it worked.  |iiii

She is very excited to work at this store. She will be in the back sorting stuff that comes in. The store is a private thrift, but benefits a charity. Not sure how that part works. She can do this job. Now for her to show up on all her scheduled shifts. It is a 15 minute walk to nearest stop then 40 minute bus ride to the other side of town. I am praying for perseverance for her.

qcr

Yay!

So great that she got this job! This can open up her world in BiG BIG ways. Thanks for the update q- we are pulling for your DD.

Thursday

 |iiii That sounds perfect qcr! Your dd loves thrift-stores - working in one should be a breeze!

First day of work. She likes the job, but did not get there on time. I am disappointed in myself tonight.

I drove her for her new hire orientation yesterday, and forgot to give her the direct deposit info and her birth cert. I am keeping these safe at our house for her. So she called me for these about 9am and I assumed she was at work - was scheduled to be there at 8am -  so said I would drop off on way to work though out of my way. Then she texted she was at a coffee shop on other side of town. with her new bf that I believe is not trustworthy. Soo reminds me of gd's daddy. A very charismatic con  that will never work a legit job to avoid paying child support - D age 3 living with mom in another state and the mom's SO. I am saying this gently to her. She has to choose him or being successful at her work release.

Anyway - I dropped him off then drove her to work, then drove back across town to my work. Then she called for me to get her phone from bf cause he could not get from his mental health appt (that is where I dropped him in am) before he had to be back at jail at 4pm. It is 1 hour bus ride from north end of town (mental health and jail) to south end of town (her job). So I got the phone. Then after work took her the phone and drove her back to jail sort of on my way home.

She also had letter from public defender. She wants to request hearing to shorten her sentence. She asked me to help her with this - she does need help due to her learning disability. So I read through it with her and made notes about what she needs to send with letter to lawyer and to judge. And she wants me to write reference letter. I know lawyer has avoided her calls since she does not think she will be granted hearing - she mentions this clearly in letter. I told DD I would draft this from our discussion, and then she had to read it and put into her own words for the final letter I could type.

Tonight I have discussed with dh my concerns about us providing too much transportation for DD. In the moment it feels good, seems reasonable. Thinking about it later it is not reasonable and is taking our rest time away. And we are both kind of exhausted. And it takes our time away from gd as well.

So here is my list of what i need to tell her - I have to find the courage and dh has to find the courage and we both have to support each other and be persistent in our resolve.

1. She has to be successful with her job and other requirements for appts (including asking for a weekday off and work on Sat to do other required appts. for 2 weeks before I will write reference letter to judge. Right now it would not be what she expects.

2. She has to get to work on time by bus and back to jail on time by bus. She has to let go of seeing bf to be at work.

3. She has to get to and from her weekend AA meetings on her own. We have several times given her a ride back to jail to meet her deadline. She has to find someone to ride with, or find a closer meeting. I think this is also about being with bf.

If she wants her life to be different when she is released from jail, this job is needed. Otherwise she will again be homeless, and it will be approaching winter. We cannot provide help with rent or other housing. I have to accept that she may again fail at this and will be homeless again.

I will call my own recovery sponsor tomorrow for support. I talked to her today. I still just jumped when DD said to jump.

One last thing. Bf was late back to jail - he was arriving when I dropped DD off. My trips for the phone would not have been needed anyway. This is not my responsibility so why do I take it on!

qcr

Hmmmmmmm... .


Good question for anyone who dances the rescue dance.

My DH is such a rescuer and it has been very hard for him to break this tendency. He is a generous servant, as I believe you are. Thinking of others first is such a wonderful quality. The only problem is, this doesn't help someone with limitations in their cognitive skills to see for themselves what needs to be done. It doesn't help the person with limitations to grow into who they might become.

Maybe Q, instead of asking yourself afterwards,

"Why did I do that?" you can begin to ask yourself, (before you take something on)

"If I don't do this, will she learn a new way to cope."

I may have this wrong but please consider what I am saying here... .

I read that your DD was an hour late for her first day of work because she chose to spend her morning with her new BF.

In your list of things to "tell her" this issue is labeled #2. I am wondering if you can instead of "telling her" you will instead ASK HER about her perceived eventualities in this situation. What happens when you are late to work? What happens if you don't keep the job? What happens when you do a good job and are on time to work? Even if she has no experience with these scenarios I am betting she can figure out for herself what the eventualities might be.

In the case of her loaning the bf her phone with expectations that things will work out for him to give it back and then, when it looks like things won't work out for her to get the phone back she called you to save her from her choices. Seems to me that she doesn't need to be lending her phone if it is of such importance that not having it back means "you need to do this for her." And the best way for her to learn not to lend her phone is for you to say NO to the rescue. The only way for her to learn that she needs to think first and loan later is to understand it is her own pickle to get out of.

The thought,

"I am on my own here... . "

is less likely to occur the more you rush in for the save. Sure, it feels great to be a person of service but in these moments, the ground you are losing is such important ground.

I have not been the rescuer/enabler in our family. Instead, I've been looking from a position once removed from my SD. It took me years of questioning my husband and outsiders looking in and independently noticing the dynamics of SD and my DH before he could see what it was he was doing. Like you, he really felt so much better when he helped. Problem was, it wasn't helping AT ALL. All it ever did was keep SD stuck in the pattern.

Example (this is small but important)

When I first got involved with DH, he was opening soda cans for my SD, you know, flipping the can tab. SD is not handicapped in any way. My guess is that he started doing this for her when she was too small to be able to do so. The first time I was alone with her she brought me a soda to open for her. I told her I wasn't going to do it for her, that she could do it for herself. She opened it. No big deal. However, the next time we were all together again and she had a soda, she gave it to him to open and he did so. I asked her out loud if she had forgotten that she could open her own can and she said something about liking her Dad to open the can for her... . and he commented that he didn't mind. Both of them, stuck for no good reason.

DH is always trying to help me. After almost eight years together he still cannot see that I usually don't accept his help. When I point out to him that he is trying to "fix" a problem I am merely speaking of, he is typically surprised to see this is what he is doing. That is the place where I have made inroads with him. He knows I am capable of choosing if I need his help whereas his daughter is not capable of choosing independence over self-initiation. And since he knows full well that she needs to self-initiate, he can more clearly see that his desire to be of service is crippling to her.

Is there a way you can find a way to stop helping her even when it is convenient for you to do so? Is there anything you can tell yourself to remind you that when you rescue you short circuit her need to figure out how to help herself. Save the rescues for when they are needed... .

You are wearing yourself out honey! The world needs a Q with energy to spare not THIS




Okie dokie- off my soap box!

Glad to hear you are working with your sponsor. Good job! It works if you work it! True true true.

Thursday

Thursday - I really like your 'soap box' replies.

A couple things are more clear to me. Dh and I were talking about this yesterday.

We both tend to react instead of respond or answer with a maybe that turns into a yes when we really want to say no. Need to reply, let me think about this a minute, before replying. The try to reply with some questions about the impact of her doing this and us doing this.

I also get stuck in accepting that she is an adult, she is resourceful and has survived on the street without my help. When I have not been available she has figured out an alternative. So many old patterns of when she was young and really did need me to do things for her. I love your pop-tab story.

Realizing that so often being of service is about my needs to feel OK, not what the other person is able to do or not do. When I am getting my emotional needs met in other areas of my life this can empower me to be aware of who my desires to serve are benefiting the most.

I have an opportunity to practice this on my desk. DD gave me the letter and forms from her lawyer to request a hearing to redetermine her sentence. DD's belief is that her sentence is a lot more harsh than others with 'bigger' crimes that appear to have shorter sentences.

She does struggle to get her words out in a way that clearly says what she intends. There is a real learning disability involved with this, and I have seen it happen over and over standing behind her as she asks for help in so many situations. She often gets the wrong info back, a blank look back, or is told to wait and nothing happens. I end up talking to the person and getting what she needs right away. There are times when she needs some advocacy.

Part of my problem then is discerning when she does need me there for her. And I get this confused with my point above - where it just feels good to help her and I easily use this 'disability' argument in rationalizing my helping response.

So I brought home these papers from the lawyer. I can pull together some documents that are in her stuff at our house. I can help her write out what she wants to say - it has to be her story SHE is telling.

The last part is a letter of reference from me about why this hearing would be valuable. I can write a letter, and it will most likely be on the side of not allowing the hearing. I think this sentence could have been a lot worse. I see the work release working for her. One of the questions she has to address is what her plans are when she gets released. She does not how this will work out. She does not have resources for housing - no one that I have talked to has resources available to her for housing - I do not know what is available in the system. And she needs supportive housing - she totally failed at living independently.

She needs more time to get into a weekly routine of treatment at the mental health center - this is a requirement of her sentence and has been since the fall of 2012 under her DUI conviction. She has failed to comply with this EVER. My perspective - she is terrified of bringing up her emotional traumas that she would not be supported and could not survive. She has been failing at this her whole life. She is expected to be in weekly therapy and has her first appointment at mental health (that I know of) in two weeks.

She needs to be in this program as long as possible. That is what I believe. How do I tell her this? My need is to stay connected with her. I have enjoyed my time on the 'good' side. I fear that if I am honest with her this will push her into a greater desire for non-compliance when she is being open to success. Yet, I have to be direct with her in what I am willing and not willing to do. So far, I have been in that vague 'maybe' place that she interprets as 'yes, I agree'.

Our time to talk is very limited and I do not want to trigger her as she is on her way to an appointment or to work, etc. I really want to just step back and let others interact with her on this tough stuff. Now I have to be honest and direct with her and willing to accept her rejection of me as a 'good mom'. See, I have lots of needs that are unmet. I have trouble letting others in my support network see this side of me as it feels very dark and unstable. It is starting to leak out though.

I could go on and on. I just need to do what I know needs to be done. Find that balance between validation and boundaries in this. Honesty means the boundary has to come first.

qcr

qcarolr-


I understand this completely. The poor sense of self... . the feeling that to be faced with her emotional traumas will dissolve all that is left of her sense of self. I think my SD feels like she is "supposed" to be more invincible than she is (instead of understanding that most people have real challenges and hardships in their lives) and she also seems to have the belief that she is capable of being "ok" if she can stay distracted and/or convince everyone that she is invincible.

These days she is handling more and more on her own without the dysregulation... . or at least she demonstrates a faster recovery time.  .

SD was compliant with therapy until she turned 18 AND until we insisted that she pay the 20.00 copay for herself. She hated therapy when she was at her worst but got more out of it for her last year participating. She enjoyed having her therapists ear for their 45 minute sessions. I hope your DD will find out that therapeutic work isn't all just the uncomfortable feelings part- especially when it is CBT or DBT based there is such a focus on " techniques for how to cope" than on "man, I'm screwed up.". Following a therapist's suggestions  can help her build some self-reliance, the therapist can be an extra person for her to check in with. Is it possible to convince her that this at least "might" be a possibility?

I think my SD considers her last therapist or two to be her "friends". Will your DD listen to any talk of the benefits she might experience? Maybe you can allay her fears a bit... . I mean she doesn't HAVE to participate in the hard emotional parts (of course, that is something she needs to do but maybe the therapist will know exactly when she is ready to begin some changing)

It's that talk again, about being brave.


I DO understand why you step in for her when it is about her court dates and filling out paperwork etc, getting her pointed in the right direction, because of her cognitive difficulties. You are her Mom and this is something you can do to help her, something she can't do for herself with the same level of competency as you.

Back to terror over facing issues-  SD recently revealed that she no longer really remembers her late Mom. I have seen her work so hard to keep from "being sad" over the loss of her mother that she quit talking about her, thinking about her. My husband didn't keep her Mom alive for her either. I mean, here I am, living with this woman's child and husband and I have never had a sense, really, of who she was. I talk about my late husband ALL THE TIME, my daughter and I tell stories about him and laugh and enjoy having known him. I used to try so hard to get SD and her Dad to talk about SD's Mom and now, at 23, SD has lost her... . like completely. That isn't a fair trade to keep from feeling bad in the moment.

That really pisses me off.

So, I really wonder about this aspect of their mental illness, this lack of object constancy and their extreme fear that feeling their feelings will cause an even greater loss of self. BLEEP-backwards, if you ask me. I feel my personal power has come about by having lived a hard, complicated, not-easy life and handling the challenges while at the same time being human, flaws and grief and down moments and all. I am proud of me. How can our BPD loved ones ever get to this point if they are so afraid of feeling that they miss out on grabbing for anything.

One great thing about AA has been that SD sees that there is great benefit to staying sober. Without sobriety, she would not have this place where she belongs and is admired... . you keep your sobriety in AA and you will have admirers. Strokes for something real is the exact thing they need. Strokes from people who are supposed to stroke her (her family and the friends she could manipulate) really don't count with her. She hasn't been forthright with doing the 12 steps. I think she will at some point. I don't think my Sd will ever be a deep thinker but she is developing an unexpected and REAL depth of character- hope it's not just my imagination because it feels like a miracle when I see this in her.

You haven't mentioned how you perceive your DD is doing with sobriety. Are you seeing differences in her approach to life?

Oh shoot- I was editing before posting and lost several paragraphs and I'm out of time. I will add more later.

Thursday

hi qcr, 

I like Thursday's ideas, especially the ones about asking her open-ended questions for DD to think through what consequences lie behind each decision... .

I understand your fears of saying NO triggering DD's non-compliance... . At the same time, it's another way how FOG (in this instance the fear part) is keeping you hostage and keeping the two of you enmeshed... .

How about practicing with your support system, dh, or with us here some scenarios of DD requesting things and you saying NO in a different way - starting a conversation and sort of re-framing the situation for her, saying something positive and encouraging?

Like:

"Ok, that would be one way to get there, what are some other ways to do this?"

or "I will let you know as soon as I can." and then "How can you get there on your own? You are a resourceful girl, you can do this." or, "You are a strong person, I believe in you"... .

Thursday,

DD is actually the most emotionally stable that I have EVER experienced her. She is staying sober to stay in the work release program. Her mess up's have been being 'out of area' during the day, or 'in contact' with other work release inmates. I have a nephew that struggled with legal system as a younger adult. He is in early 30's now. He finally got it that he had to follow the rules even if he truly believed they were wrong and should not apply to him. Hope DD gets this wisdom someday. She has not been attending AA - only showing up last 15 minutes to get voucher so can be in compliance with the evening time out on weekend. This is another area to as those open-ended questions.

I think her be clean/sober is a key to her current successes, and being on her psych meds for depression/anxiety and insomnia. She is also wanting to take care of her immune system due to the Hep C dx. Alcohol and liver disease is a real issue. She may be more motivated to take better care of herself - and this too is supported by no drug use and on psych meds.

She was asking for me to contact her ex that is in prison for assaulting her in 2012 - there is still no-contact order. I said it is not worth the risks to violate this. My assumption is that her new bf is not so wonderful today in some way and she is lonely. I am not going to make any contacts for her.

We did not talk today, only a couple brief texts. About exbf, and she asked what her appts. are next few weeks to let her employer know. I have helped get them all on Tuesdays - same day each week is easier to remember and maybe easier for her work schedule. This is also an open day for me to be there for her appts. It will be messier when school is out and I have to get gd to early day camp. Need to check on that.

I think the lack of object constancy is a huge issue for our kids -- HUGE. Almost like be an infant with mommy disappearing when she is out of the room. This happens with bf's too. Like there is only 'trust' when the SO is in physical proximity. Hard to build a deeper r/s with this basic lack of trust. Also think this really makes connecting with a sponsor or counselor a much more difficult process. Takes longer and requires lots of training, support for the T, and perseverance. I have read a lot about this - though my memory only hold little snapshots most of the time. Looking back at my written notes helps sometimes. And the information actually permeates my basic thinking and beliefs in a more general way.

I called my recovery sponsor today to help me with how to talk to DD. We are meeting for coffee Monday morning before I go to work. This is only our second meeting - this is so hard for me. The group is a recovery group at my church, based on 12-steps, but open to everyone. Kind of like a morphing of AA and Al Anon together with a prayer/faith support system built in. I have a conflict with gd right now to go to the group. So thankful for the friend.

Pessio - I will ponder doing some role-playing here if I have time over the weekend. I see DD on Tuesday for her 7:30 am probation appt. I drive her as it would take too long on the bus to the appt. and then to work. This is one thing I can do for her.

Gd is probably asleep on the sofa. Need to walk her up to bed. She is doing well at school. Still some issues at home and we are working these in therapy. T said she hits at me when I bring up things that make her feel bad about herself. Like when she nearly drowned in the farmers ditch behind our house a couple weeks ago - my fearful response was likely not what she needed at the time. I hate that ditch - was a problem with DD when she was gd's age. DD knew how to swim. Gd refuses to take lessons or go swimming and I have not been consistent with taking her to pool to overcome this.

Thanks for you support. Enough for tonight.

Update:

Gave DD ride from work today. She thought her first paycheck was being mailed to our house and she got her bi-weekly bill today from the jail for rent. ($17 per day). Paycheck did not come so we advanced her the rent money so they do not add 20 days to her sentence in work release. She needed to login online to set up direct deposit and has no access in jail.

silent frustration: why did she not tell me this need earlier? did she not know until asking about her paycheck today?  Breathe - that is most likely.

So I logged in later this evening and she had jail address on her employee record. I got that fixed to our address and setup the direct deposit. Still hopeful this job lasts. She commented that they are unhappy that the bus delivers her a bit late every day even though she calls. Not sure what she means by 'a bit'.

They told her she comes up for 'daily checkin' next month. To get released for this alternative sentence option she has to have an apartment. I am not sure she can manage this, but only will know when she tries it. She has to stop daily at half-way house and continue working. She has to help with rent if we assist her in getting an apartment.

She was attached to new bf that I had little trust in. He got rolled back into regular jail. I am relieved. I told DD I was not surprised - he is mostly looking out for himself. She did not see him much when she started working. Now she is getting lots of attention from other guys in program that ride bus with her when she goes to work. Such an open space in her 'self' that she keeps looking to fill with a guy. I can hope and pray for someone more stable to connect with her - not so sure this will happen with all these guys who 'have felonies'. They cannot be a roommate with her under alternative sentencing.

Will check with one apartment building that does not do background check to see if any openings at end of June or early July. Dh wants to help her. We will see how this job goes in the next few weeks.

We came by the house so DD could see her doggie and we had pizza. Gd would not come in at first - she was playing next door. Then she popped in briefly, said hi, then was out again. She ate later. We only had 45 minutes at the house before DD jail checkin time. Gd still really angry with her mom. Working on this in therapy.

Got letter from A, gd's daddy. He is in prison in AZ for over 4 years on assault charge. Stupid when drunk as always. Went to AZ from CA when he timed out of their system on 3 year sentence for assault in 2007. 3 years turned into 5 when he never checked in  on releases over and over for probation. Gd is really angry at him too, understandably. Will mention this to her T next week on our phone meeting.

So overall a good day for DD. Good visit. Lots of details she has need for my help on.

My personal state. Feeling overwhelmed a bit. Kind of depressed. Dh and I worked our project rearraning rooms in our house. DD's old room is transforming into his workshop space. The family room got transformed today into   a very peaceful space with wii and TV and spaces to store some of gd's toys, games and her craft supplies. We are gradually getting gd's stuff out of my home office space. I am going to put up my painting stuff in there eventually. I need to paint. Haven't done this since 1999 - my muse went to sleep with effective meds for my bipolarII. Well, and maybe DD hits adolescence about then too (age 14 in 1999 - high school!)

I have built some trust with my T and find some of the darker stuff coming to the surface. It is kind of scary. I am still seeing her weekly. This stage of my process may be contributing to my depression. I am also going to see a new pdoc - hope she will provide some med support instead of just saying "get the stress out of your life and you will be fine"!

Gd is doing great. Her state testing for 3rd grade reading - PROFICIENT |iiii She has assessed at 14 levels above the beginning of the school year which puts her at her grade level. Her confidence is building. She loves multiplication too. We are hoping to set up some routines for 'summer school' in our home to keep these skills going for 4th grade. We do not pressure her about homework. She seems to be finding a time to get it done at school. Hope this is true. Only one week left.

She also has a new friend across the street. A really nice family. The older brother is going to mow our lawn this summer - dh hurt his rotator cuff and also cut his hand at work - same side. The hand is healing. The shoulder needs to get a doc to examine. He is ready to do this. Hurt it moving furniture at home about 3 weeks ago. The mom there is willing to take gd early when I need to help DD with 7:30 am appts one day a week. [The bus would make DD 2 hours late for work. If I drive she is only 30 -45 minutes late. This is such a relief for me.]

So things are going well. Makes my down mood even more puzzling at times. Bickering a lot with dh over little things too. Hope this gets better soon.

qcr

I wonder if this is the jail's way of trying to help them transition out of jail and be successful on the outside, rather than spitting them back out onto a street at the end of the sentence.

If this is goes well, it could be your way of helping dd and her way to succeed - as long as she can hold a job, and pay part of her rent, you could help her with a bit of it. Would that be a workable compromise that you could do and feel good about? (I wonder if your dd would be able to do that, but at the same time, it could be a goal to work toward, a kind of a plan IF she wants to have a roof over her head and is willing to work hard for it)... . What do you think?

So happy for your gd! She is blossoming right in front of your eyes!


That could be... . Hoping for the best!