BPDFamily.com

I am in the midst of a tornado... .

I met my BPD girlfriend a few years ago in Cape Town. We got on well as friends and soon afterwards she told me she was i love with me. My instinct told me not to be with her. I sensed something mercurial about her, an unpredictability and impulsiveness that disturbed me at times... . anyway we stayed in contact, she went into another relationship with a guy but would regularly meet me for hikes and road runs where she would also remind me of her feelings for me. I found that odd and disconcerting because she was "in love" with another cat.

She returned to the UK and last May she attempted suicide and was sectioned. I was in South Africa, (where we met) so I offered support and we spoke regularly. She was single at this stage and feelings grew between us despite my reservations. She is incredibly beautiful and charming and at a distance I was entranced and seduced by her words of love.

In August we decided to make something of our relationship. After many skype calls and planning I decided to join her in the UK. There were red flags all along that I ignored... . she was regularly ill with a variety of health problems and she would vent anger at me even at a distance. This would always be followed by remorse and pleading for me to come to her.

I arrived this year on Valentines Day and we entered a month or so of bliss. Long nights, companionship, shared dreams... . even talk of marriage. Things started to turn... . she would insist that I cut out all female friendships in my life, she accused me of flirting with women when I wasn't, she scanned my phone, checked my mails, became paranoid about stuff. At the same time she would openly have contact with a variety guys who she insisted were friends but also admitted that most of them at some point have liked her and had made an attempt to be with her. She would lust after pop stars and actors, sexualising them openly to me. She then started insisting on sex at any given time- putting huge emphasis on performance which put me under a huge amount of pressure. I felt devalued and sexualised. Anxiety kicked in for me and I started to withdraw which in turn made her even more volatile and demanding. She told me she needs a man who will give her sex all the time, romance her endlesslsy and treat her like a lady. She would regularly tell me to leave her home, blame me for being the biggest problem in her life, insult me- degrading my character, my abilities as a man, and lately my physical appearance- telling me I'm unattractive, I smell and she hates my hair.

Today, while on holiday in Scotland,  she told me I was a horrible person, a liar, a cheat and that she couldn't stand me... . I asked her to leave my family home. She refused and hung around me all day, sobbing and moping. She then backtracked, telling me that she loved me and couldn't live without out me. She asked if we could go away and work things out. Pleading with me and then blaming me for rejecting her physically... . I said no, we need space. She told me she thinks she is pregnant but would definitely terminate... . Eventually, she left to stay with her friends at the coast. She called tonight to tell me that I am am sexually dysfunctional and that she feels justified for her insults but is also sorry at the same time. She said she shared this with friends and they all agreed that I am the problem. She suggested that i seek professional help immediately for my own good and any future relationships I might have. I just listened and let her talk on and then said goodnight... . Then the texts started, the romantic melancholic ballads of lost love, old texts that we wrote to each other, with sad notes.

It's civilised and decent now but I am waiting for the blowtorch of rage to start. She is attempting to suck me in but my gut tells me that it is broken beyond repair and I should get out of dodge before I get mauled again.

I'm exhausted and beaten by this. I don't know which way to turn right now... .

Any wise words at this time?

Peace

Hi

It pains me to read your post.  It is very hard, but maybe you should trust your gut.  I saw red flags just as early in my r/s and chose to ignore them: 'my love could fix him'  It took me nearly 3 years, on/off, trying to show him this, and try to help him, before we ended.  Nothing had changed, well not for the better, it progressively got worse after each push/pull cycle, as it does the more enmeshed we get.  

You are fortunate you found this forum so early in this r/s , (It took me 3 years to get here).  Read as much as you can, her pattern of behaviour seems very much in line with BPD , and there is nothing 'you' can do to change this.   A lot of what she accuses you of is likely to be projection of herself.  There is a wealth of information here which should help you in trying to understand the disorder and where you want to go from here.  

Take care of you.

Your description sounds textbook borderline, and as you mentioned you saw and ignored red flags from the beginning and all along; I could have written your post, although most of our drama happened in the Caribbean.

You know what to do, but to make sure, ask yourself: do you trust her?  Does she treat you with respect?  Will it be possible to create a long term, sustainable relationship with this girl?  If the answers are no, it's best to take care of yourself, you're the only one who will at this point, and focus on your needs and your life without her.  You will probably find in time that everything you're going through is motivation and fertile stuff for profound personal growth, starting with why you ignored your gut.  Take care of you!

Hi Lion Fire,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, it is so understandable that you feel inside of a tornado, I think so many of us can relate to that.

I read your intro post that says your girlfriend is diagnosed BPD, untreated, and has attempted suicide.  I'm afraid this kind of push/pull and abusive behavior will very likely continue if she doesn't get specific therapy and commit to it for a long time.

I know this is heart wrenching, especially since she mentioned she might be pregnant. Do you have any more news about that? 

Lion Fire, you have been through this before with a previous BPD girlfriend. How did you detach from that relationship? Have you thought of exploring why you are attracted to these kinds of relationships in therapy?  I know that it helped me a lot, after my breakup.  

Hang in there, we're here for you.