BPDFamily.com

I haven't been on here in a while, but could really use some feedback.

My uBPDh has a hard time keeping "gainful employment"... . aka a job!  He will accept a job and be very excited for the few weeks leading up to actually starting the job and then a week or two (sometimes day or two) into the job he has a "panic attack" about something and finds a reason why he can't work there anymore and will quit.  This is usually followed by  months of unemployment where he sits at home and plays on the computer all day.  I have a full time job and basically completely support us along with take care of the house, buy groceries, do all the cooking, cleaning, take care of my daughter (from previous marriage). 

It is hard not to feel resentful that we are not moving forward in life, but merely treading water.  Even though I have all this responsibility, my uBPDh still insists that he be my main focus of attention and my sole priority. 

Last weekend he got mad at me about something (honestly I don't remember what it was right now... . some way that I "acted like I didn't give a @#$% about him" I'm guessing).  He dysregulated, called me an evil b**** and that I have ruined his life; made him this way and threatened not only to end his own life, but said that he was at rock bottom with nothing to loose, so he should take my life and my daughter's as well.  I know that it is common for people with BPD to threaten suicide, but homicide as well? 

I feel like my uBPDh tries to get me to love and respect him through threats and fear. I don't love out of fear; he doesn't seem to get that.  He has never hit me or been physically abusive to me or my daughter.

I eventually validated his feelings enough or said the right thing that now he "loves me so much". 

He just called me from the job he started on Monday and is already talking like this one will be over by the end of the week.  This is probably the best paying job he's ever had and could really make a difference in our finances.

I just don't know what to do.  I love him, but I don't want to put my child in danger.  I don't think that he would hurt her, but then again my uBPDh does/says a lot of things when he is dysregulated that he would never do other wise. And I'm so tired of the job merry-go-round that I just want to scream.

I'm just so depressed, sad, hopeless and a little scared and don't know what to do.  I don't have any family that I could go to or friends... . he took care of isolating me from them a long time ago.  I feel so alone.

I really need a friend

This concerns me.  I am not an expert on BPD but I have been in the domestic violence field for almost 20 years.  I would not take that threat lightly.  There are ways to make safety plans and make sure that you know what to do if he tried to make this threat a reality.  Please look at National Coalition AgainstDomestic Violence  (www.ncadv.org) for further information about what is in your state.   I would hope that it never comes to that but being prepared is a good idea.

I couldn't read your post and not comment.  You have friends here, this is a safe place for you to express yourself and vent. 

Hugs to you!

Hi lotus74,

it is understandable that you are distraught.


neither suicidal nor homicidal threats are "normal" and we should not treat them as such. The immediate situation is over so it is best not to panic but please study the material here: https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info2.htm . Only you can know how serious he and when you need to act is but in any case having a safety plan in place is a little peace of mind.


It is usually not love but validation that a pwBPD is after and when you are down and fearful the quickest and easiest way to get validation is to irritate, frustrate and threaten the others around you. Some of these dark emotions may be so bleak that we can not validate them with words even if we do our best to show understanding for "frustration", "anger", "relationship seems doomed", "nothing works", "dead end" etc... Boundaries are an important tools to protect ourselves being forced to have the same sort of emotions.

There are ok ways to express himself even if it is not pleasant for us to listen all the time to it, there are less ok ways (getting loud etc.) and then there are way which are just out of bounds, even legal bounds. Some members have taken such treats as a reason to get serious about boundaries.

Boundaries: https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

Timeouts: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0

Hang in there and be careful  ,

a0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

You might want to check this out for safety tips and ideas on how to plan for safety.

Take care and be safe.