BPDFamily.com

I don't know what to think anymore.

I really need some kind of talking, i've been alone for 8 months.

I know it sounds weird but would someone agree to talk to me on the phone for a moment?

I am endlessly confused.

Hey! Hang in there. I'm available if you want to talk it out through PMs.

I have hours to kill.

Stay strong 

hi!

thank you. i am alone here in the us, nobody to talk to.

she definitely has BPD, but it is much more subtle yet not leas cruel of what i read here.

i didn't want to sound like someone that wants to whine into someones ear, it's just that i always feel like i forget something when i write. also i haven't talked to anyone normal in weeks.

What's going on pipehitter?

that is exactly the problem. i don't know anymore.

the lines between the BPD and normality have blurred.

well, ok then - I can relate to that feeling... . lost maybe?

Not really lost.

She is highly functioning and self aware. That makes it difficult.

On one hand she shows all the signs, but I know for a fact she is also aware of all this.

And it hit me today that the break up might have been reasonable on her part.

I just don't know. There is a grey area of things that I don't know if they are BPD or her trying to save us.

Also... . I have been painted grey. Not black or white. Grey. Hard to explain.

I had a BPD gf when I was young (like 18).

It was obvious as hell (not at the time). She was basically all the things I read here, all out crazyness.

My wife now is different. It is way more subtle, she ticks all the boxes (or many of them), but it is so subtle it is hard to distinguish.

It is driving me crazy.

I just reviewed your posts to try and get up to speed with where you are in life since you are on the undecided board.

So, if I understand correctly - she broke up with you, but you are now married and living in the US, right?

I'll try to give a quick run down to bring you up to speed.

Met her. She lived in the US me in Europe. I visited her after we had to rely on online conversations for a couple of months (it was amazing.) I spent 4 months with her in the US, best times of my life. We filed for a fiancé visa. She came visit me, all was good. We couldn't visit each other in the summer of 2013, things SLOWLY went downhill (i found out now that she obsessed over my ex which i met sometimes because of a club we are both in.)

September she shut down completely. Out of the blue. It was living hell, I was crying for weeks. I wrote her a long letter, things then slowly got better over a week. She came visit. All seemed better. I then came to the US a couple of months ago, it was a dream. We got married. Things slowly started to go downhill, We then almost didn't talk for 2-3 weeks, she then broke up with me (I found out now i massively triggered her right before those 2-3 weeks when things where already bad.)

She basically presented me with the fact she already has a new appartment and that we are not a couple anymore. I chose to go back to Europe at least for some time. I don't know if that was the right thing to do, knowing what I know now.

 

When I told her I would leave she, basically for the first time, showed negative emotions (crying etc.)

We had good conversations for two days, although bumpy to navigate from time to time.

I now do not know if she is trying to ween me off (she still says I love you - but I can say with certainty that this is the truth... . this is were she is different.) or if she sees things as I understood them now.

But I can't talk about it anymore. She says she can't take anymore talking. She is switching from cold to almost normal all the time. She does things that seem to validate my fears of her cheating, then I notice that there probably isn't anything.

(Today: "My neck hurts so bad, I am coming home earlier. Will either go to yoga and then meet a female colleague or only meet her if my neck is still bad" I think... . allrigggghhhht. But then the doubts... . I fshe wanted to cheat... . why not say Yoga only to begin with?

A weirder example from a business trip - the one she presented me the letter before leaving:

"I am going to NYC. My colleagues fly back on friday, I come back Saturday evening."

I didn't ask why, I thought it will end in trouble. I thought who is she meeting? But then again... . if cheating she could have said the trip is until Saturday... . there would have been no way to find out. Upon coming back she said she met some old friends and that she thought she told me. Believable, since she is doing that bad her memory of what has been said etc is often really off... . but then again I think she is such a smart woman and awesome in her job... . maybe she tried to tell me something.)

Sometimes when we can get out of the "fire" it helps us clear our head so we can figure out how we need to proceed with our lives.

You are on the undecided board - so I take it if she changes her tune you want to remain in this marriage?

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this.  We are here for you, and we understand.  I've certainly been in that confusion where I don't know which way is up anymore, and I feel like I am the one with the major issues.  My GF can be pretty convincing at times that I am failing at my obligations and therefore she has a right to be angry.  And then I start to doubt the severity of her issues.  So, I step back, talk to friends and family, post on here, all in the hopes of regaining my direction.  Hang in there.  Any way you can talk to a friend/relative/therapist right now?

Pipehitter, I know all too well how difficult it is to be in another country, dealing with issues of a partner with BPD, being isolated, and feeling alone.

Do a check online and see if there are any expat groups in your area. This is not so much so that you can talk out any issues about BPD, but so that perhaps you can get out of the house and meet some new people. It will bring a certain amount of normalcy to your life. You might even met people from your home country there. Also expat groups are a wealth of information on immigration, work, legal rights etc ... . I know that Internations is a HUGE global group and they have regular "get togethers". See if they have a group in your area. 

Hello pipehiter... . well,you are basically telling my story... .

I´m from Germany,had a long-distance-relationship with her,she`s living in San Diego.Applying and waiting for k1 visa (like you),waiting almost a year.In the meantime she tells me: "I love you,I need you,I`ve been waiting all my life for you,please hurry up." I visit her,everythings fine,she visits me,everythings fine,then I get my visa,QUIT EVERYTHING here in Germany,fly to the US... . only to meet a TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON.She ignores me,gives me the silent treatment for weeks on end,gives me the push-pull treatment for weeks on end,manipulates me... . everything,you name it. We marry. Things go downhill. I leave her.Back in Germany. Marriage was dissolved.

Thats the short version,the long one is much more hard to take.

My advice to you:

LEAVE  AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

I second what almost said. With what youve explained please do yourself a favor and get some space... . I did for 2 weeks and i cannot imagine going back.