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It's only been since Monday, I think, but I've been working on emotionally detaching. I've been responding to texts with very short and neutral answers. I've remained calm and emotionless during his attempts to pick fights. Last night, he came home and told me that even though he didn't want to, he apologizes for saying certain things to me. He explained that my emotional absense reminds him of when his dad would be home but unavailable- his mom left very early in his life. He just "wanted to let me know where he was coming from." He also said that if he expected me to fill his love cup, then he should fill mine as well. Well, his real self came back later that night. I am sick right now and one of his "things" is that we go to sleep when he is ready. He doesn't like to feel lonely which he does if I fall asleep before he is ready. I started to fall alseep while he was still puttering around and I heard him comment "ugh, going to sleep without me?"  Thats why I suspect his apology is an attempt to keep me reeled in. Any comments or suggestions? Thanks.

Well, what do I say? If you can look at this situation from aside - you just might be able to see if his apology was sincere or were they just words.

In my quite short relationship I encountered numerous times when something has been said to me where I just couldn't believe a word or action. But still I didn't leave. Her actions were sort of: ":)addy - look I am doing exactly what you want me to do" - didn't feel natural. They were artificial actions to gain my sympathy (so yes - a form of manipulation often used by children).

The sad stories about hard childhood - same thing to gain sympathy, to soften me, to guilt me if I start to fantasize about leaving.

Sleeping - oh yes, for me it was the same thing only backwards. She liked to sleep late - and I just can't tolerate that - I have to get up and start doing something (a waste of time just lying in the bed). Couple of times I didn't want to wake her up so I just got up and went doing something. Then she wakes up, realizes that I am not beside her - oh my. The psychosis that started - How I dared to leave her - I abandoned her. In reality I was close by doing my stuff. So these fears are real.

So yep. But you can look at these people from different perspective. It is easy to think of them as evil manipulators (it is the same splitting as they do). But don't forget that he is telling the truth - most likely his mother left him and that is why he is the way he is. So you have an insight what is beneath the hood. Still, unfortunately, that doesn't make it easier to live and cope with that. But on the bright side - it will help you (if you decide so) not to hate him afterwards. Living with hate within is excruciating. At first it will help you to detach but it won't serve you if you will keep it carrying around. This knowledge about BPD clockwork will help you to find forgiveness and understanding.

I wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am in the same position and dealing with the same things. I too get the nice and then it's just a matter of time before the "true" person comes back. And it always gets spun back him saying "I'm trying and I don't even get recognized for it, etc." " glad you're molding me into the man I should be" (sarcastically) always the "poor him".  When I step back I can get my bearings a bit, but very vey tough to live in and detach at same time.

Best wishes, good luck and if you get any points let me know.

JLK1011,

Relationally what borderlines do isn't based on purposeful intention. It is simply how they relate to others due to their mental illness.

Your BPD isn't try to fog you on "purpose." He's relating to you the way a borderline does. You are his "mommy" replacement and in his mind you need to act accordingly. Never mind your needs and wants. This is beyond their comprehension due to their stunted child minds.  A "child" cannot see that mommy has needs. All a child knows is that it is dependent upon her for its survival. This is the borderline dance. It's hard to accept that we are in essence dealing stunted children trapped in adult bodies. That is the disorder of BPD and your relationship will continue to feel this way even as you withdraw. Make no mistake your BPD feels your pulling away and will mouth words that mimic understanding your frustration but he is hard wired to see you as "parent" and he will always default to this thinking. He doesn't not "see" you as a woman with her own mind, desires, dreams, needs and wants. Developmentally he sees you as "caretaker", "rescuer" and the person who's job it is to make up for lost time and to give him the things he never had.

With a borderline you'll never be on the same page and your minds will never meet.

My ex wanted to control my sleep patterns as well. As the relationship evolves their needs become front and center and they use control to steer the reigns of the relationship to avoid being abandoned.  Babies do the same thing with sleep patterns. You aren't sleeping unless they're sleeping. When this doesn't work they act out to get you to comply with the script: some cheat, some triangulate with other supply, some use silent treatment, some rage, and some flat out abandon you for new supply.

Understanding the complex dance of BPD, the part you played and detaching are essential in unhooking. We cannot change a person that has been damaged way before we came into the picture. And we cannot "model" to them how to be better partners. They are simply too programmed by their BPD to do this.

Spell

I get the same thing.  Sometimes a really nice message explaining his situation and spilling his guts and he loves me and is trying and then literally three minutes later what a terrible human being I am.   It gets hard to turn your back on an ill person.  I have noticed if I stop all communication you can really really see the illness coming out.   Anything to get you to respond to them, whether nice, mean, or in my case just plane scary.  I get afraid sometimes with some of the things he says as I am sure you all do too.    I don't know.  Its hard to watch really.  And harder for them to actually live it.  The guilt I guess for me is knowing that I have a choice to walk away from this pain and he does not.  Either way, its is sad for everyone.