BPDFamily.com

Please can someone help me ... . my BPD husband said he wanted out of the marriage and left.  Now all his emails say things like, 'if you have finished with me it is only fair that you should tell me', or, 'I am waiting for you to come back to me'.  However much I gently say to him that it is him that left, he says he had to leave because the situation was unliveable whilst at the same time trying to blame me for the fact that he 'HAD' to leave and that he is the one who has been abandoned by me.

I don't know how to reply to his emails to help make him feel secure.

I can't tell you how to make him feel more secure but blaming you is typical and incorrect.

I still get blamed for "kicking her out and throwing her to the curb" when I found out she was cheating on me.  And it was MY house, BTW, and I asked her to move into our newly purchased larger house.

Hello! Welcome to the Staying Board.


1) Read the Lessons.

2) Do not communicate serious emotional stuff via printed digital format, email & texting. Nope, nope, nope, the person-with-Borderline-Personality-Disorder's negativity-lens will distort and warp your words. You need to say serious emotional things with body and facial language in person. The things you say, Validation, SET, etc are in the Lessons.

3) pwBPD are so afraid of being abandoned that it consumes their emotional life to the point of being the only possible reality and it then becomes self-fulfilling - they leave and it's your fault.

Geez, I needed to read that today!  I know this is true and yet I still communicate with him in writing and then phone calls, phone calls are really bad too.  When it is in person, he can't demonize me unless he is severely dysregulated.  He calms down quite a bit, if I touch him.  Is this true for most BPDs?

Gentle touch is a fundamental and powerful way to validate in most situations. It tells the other person that we are there for them and belong together. Body language, tone of voice can often be more powerful in communicating the basics than words.


Written communication always carries some risk to be received at a time when the other person is not in a receptive mood. It has advantages too in that it allows more processing of emotions and more deliberation. The time lag (mail more, email lesser and instant messengers require true restraint here from us) can be helpful to avoid emotions taking over for too long.

Deep down he probably knows he messed up but admitting to it is too uncomfortable for him at this point. He seems simply unable to do it as is possibly is exceeding his ability to deal with feeling guilt and shame. Responding in validating ways is key to reconnect. It is best to avoiding arguing.

How important is it who left? What are your goals? Do you have to clear this to feel comfortable before getting together again?