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Title: Spring break in 2 weeks. I need to be ready Post by: formflier on April 13, 2014, 08:13:17 AM She has grumbled once about taking kids several states away to her family. Knowing her I'm sure this qualifies as our discussion and she thinks it is a plan that I am on board with. My gut says it will be a "this is what is going to happen try and stop me event"... . she has tried several in the past and I have successfully stopped her. This one will not be as "shocking" (such as leaving me alone on Christmas with no kids)... so it won't be as hard for her to get everyone else on board. Wondering if I am better off to not fight it? Try to make local plans that she would have to change to drag kids off. Luckily... . no "real" danger at her family... . but it is the power play move of I am doing this (and kids want to do it) and you can't stop me... . and you are not coming. Thoughts? Title: Re: Spring break in 2 weeks. I need to be ready Post by: an0ught on April 17, 2014, 01:47:03 PM She has grumbled once about taking kids several states away to her family. Knowing her I'm sure this qualifies as our discussion and she thinks it is a plan that I am on board with. In most of our distressed relationships communication has degenerated to one way message sending and passive aggressive behavior. Getting back to a healthy exchange of information and interests takes time. Fear of rejection is a big factor on both sides in that game. My gut says it will be a "this is what is going to happen try and stop me event"... . she has tried several in the past and I have successfully stopped her. This one will not be as "shocking" (such as leaving me alone on Christmas with no kids)... so it won't be as hard for her to get everyone else on board. Wondering if I am better off to not fight it? Try to make local plans that she would have to change to drag kids off. Luckily... . no "real" danger at her family... . but it is the power play move of I am doing this (and kids want to do it) and you can't stop me... . and you are not coming. Thoughts? 1) What do you really want? What you need to consider depends a bit on this 2) If you are ok with her plans - are you also ok with the way she pushed things through at this point in time or do you want to start a new pattern? If you are not ok with her plans - are you willing to tolerate it - are you willing to make a stand and what would that boundary then look like? Title: Re: Spring break in 2 weeks. I need to be ready Post by: formflier on April 17, 2014, 04:24:08 PM 2) If you are ok with her plans - are you also ok with the way she pushed things through at this point in time or do you want to start a new pattern? If you are not ok with her plans - are you willing to tolerate it - are you willing to make a stand and what would that boundary then look like? Good questions... . I am totally fine with her plans... . I am just completely opposed to her process of deciding that I have decided this is ok. Before I realized BPD... and how to deal with it... . this pattern was well established... . that it was mentioned... . and I did not say NO... I FORBID IT... therefore that means that I love Dinah's plans and I'm totally behind it. Also... discussing a possibility is the same as approval in her mind. She also will time to time just do the "see if you can stop me thing"... . not even pretend to mention it and then off she goes... . such as taking kids to different church without me this last Sunday... . with me finding out about it that morning... . no discussion... . she even said the words... there is nothing I can do about it. So... I would rather the kids stay with me... . but she does need to go see her family some. However... . now that my eyes are open to harmful patterns... BPD and all of that... . to me it seems like all the ladies have it. Several aunts aren't speaking to each other, they are all hyper critical of others... . and you would think they are the only person in the entire world with a clue. So... longer term I need to think about how much exposure I want to have to them and let my kids have with them. What I really want is her to change her process... . most of her plans are fine. Not sure if I can "win" that battle in this coming week... . but I do at least want to send the right signal or head in the right direction. Title: Re: Spring break in 2 weeks. I need to be ready Post by: an0ught on April 18, 2014, 10:52:57 AM Looks like you want process changes. Have you looked at DEARMAN?
Title: Re: Spring break in 2 weeks. I need to be ready Post by: formflier on April 18, 2014, 10:56:16 AM Looks like you want process changes. Have you looked at DEARMAN? No... . I've seen that DEARMAN thing mentioned a time or two... . but haven't a clue what that is. I've got JADE down pretty good... . SET feels slow and artificial... but I'm trying... . and I can see it could pay off in some situations... . I just need to get more practiced and natural with it. So... if you have a link to dearman... . or article... I'm up for checking it out Title: Re: Spring break in 2 weeks. I need to be ready Post by: an0ught on April 18, 2014, 01:17:32 PM https://www.google.de/search?q=site%3Abpdfamily.com+dearman
Title: Re: Spring break in 2 weeks. I need to be ready Post by: formflier on April 19, 2014, 08:40:06 AM Thanks... . https://www.google.de/search?q=site%3Abpdfamily.com+dearman |