BPDFamily.com

Hey, I need to vent and I don't know whether to send this to my BPD girlfriend. She's said that her BPD hasn't shown in a while. But I reckon this is part of her BPD... . We've been together 4/5 months but we've always been so close.

I love you X (name),

You were the one who took the depression away after years of suffering, you were the one I could finally be myself around, you were the one who I could confide in with anything, and cared more than anything about what I was doing, how I was doing and what I was feeling. I grew and I am still so attached to you.  And I still want my life with you, more than anything else in this whole world. I would do anything for you. I’ve shut people out of my life who were part of my life for years and years because they hurt you and they were getting out of the way. I’ve separated myself from friends just to spend time with you. I shouldn’t have done that but I felt that you would have liked that and it would have shown that I cared. Looking back, I would have changed it because I love you.

I’ve spent so, so much money on our precious time together, that ring that I bestowed you is worth £400. And I wouldn’t change a thing because I love you.  Every. Single. Damn. Decision I made has always had you in mind, would you care? Would you mind if I didn’t do this? I want to cradle your heart and nurture it. And sometimes, my caring means that I make mistakes. That upsets me, because I want to be the one for you.

When something takes your depression away and allows you to see normally… you grow so attached to it. You still give me motivation to achieve so much because you still make me happy in our company. I would do anything for you.

But I’m an idiot. I’ve overlooked so much which would have brought normal men to rage. Being single on meetme, putting yourself on dating websites but just for friends. Putting nudes on your tumblr, and now. The thing which I’ve been confirmed is one of the biggest no goes in a respectful relationship is Skyping the same guy day in day out.  People on forums have told me that they would never lose sleep over someone unless they liked them or had feelings for them.  I was informed that I should break up with you on the internet. But they don’t understand, they never understand we’ve always said this.

I’m going to get jealous from time to time. I love you. You make me happy. I don’t want to lose you.

What you don’t understand is that over the last week, you’ve also been very short with me. I’ve tried asking you what your plans are or what you’ve had for tea even though you said we don’t need small talk but it’s still nice to actually talk to my girlfriend/fiancée and find out how you are doing I care you know? It’d be nice if you actually wanted to know how my first day of work was, or what I’m really going doctor’s for. But it’s okay. You don’t care, you used to care but it’s my fault that you don’t any more.  You never Skype me anymore, even from time to time it’d be nice. 

The other day when you actually spammed me for a bit it made me realise how you talk to other people compared how you talk to me. It’s not very respectful.  You never tell me what’s going on in your life anymore and that hurts because I care. Rather than telling me that you got your new phone after I helped you pick it. I had to find out by facebook status when I got back from work.

I can’t tell you what I feel because you never seem to accept it as truth. I told you from the start I was a broken person. I’m broken, I have very powerful feelings on very specific things, I don’t like people. But I love you. I can get very emotional because you are upset. And I’m going back on medication to combat this, and I’m going to start therapy. I need to be strong for my X.

I’ve tried to stay strong over the last week or so by writing my feelings. But I chuck them away.  The bad thoughts haunt me but I’m just being silly. I get plagued with the thoughts that you don’t’ care about me. You don’t love me, you don’t want to spend time with me. You wouldn’t care if I’m gone. And my bad thoughts combined with my desire to understand you meant that it’s also been hard not to try and read your messages in an effort to understand you.  I always try and understand you and what you do. I would only intentionally do what’s best for you.

When the housemates get back I’m going to take part more as well as fighting against the bad thoughts via therapy. I’ve tried to understand through reading about BPD…

I just want to know that you love me.

I just want to know that I’m the only one for you.

I just want you.

I’m sorry for caring too much. I hurt. I love you and I’m never going to leave you.

Y.

hello kthen, and

*welcome*

I think you already know the answer from the title of your post. Writing something like this is very therapeutic for you.

Your BPDgf is highly unlikely to respond they way you want her to, so the short answer is NO, don't send it.

A longer answer would be to follow up some of the introductory materials here, or "The Lessons" (a link in the right sidebar ----> for more details on effective communication tools to use with a pwBPD.

Right now, the best thing you can do is make sure you take good care of yourself. It would be a good time to try to re-connect to some of the friends you cut off if you can. What you are going through isn't easy, and you will be dealing with it for quite a while. So work on yourself so you are strong enough to cope will with difficult situations.

Hang in there!

 GK

Thanks :D

kthen, can you be more specific about what you are hoping for or wanting from your gf when you wrote this letter?

The tools we use here on this board do help--and the senior folks around here can help you apply them to your own situation.

 GK