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Yesterday I saw that my ex is coming to our graduation ceremony after saying for months (even before NC) that she wasn't going to walk. I had a panic attack. I started crying immediately at the thought of seeing her. I'm not sure if I can even go now, because seeing her in person would undoubtedly shove me back into the quicksand again, and I've worked so hard to earn that one day of happiness and celebration. So I shot her an email saying thank you (sarcastically) for taking graduation day from me.

She wrote me back and said that I needed to know she had been in the hospital the whole time I was contacting her and when I drove up to see her. It was her douchey bff that was so cold to me that whole time. She said that she wanted to contact me but everyone kept saying she shouldn't, and she thought they were right. We needed time to move on. She said she still thinks about me every day but she can't leave her town or do some of the other things she promised in her borderline desperation to avoid abandonment.

Then she called me and we caught up on the very basics. She was in the hospital for three weeks, not the five days I originally thought. She's been doing horribly until the past week when her meds got lined up. She just managed to get back to work two weeks ago (went to hospital Feb 6). She said she's sorry for making promises she couldn't keep but wants us to be friends. It was nice talking to her and knowing that she was unaware of what I was going through and not just being an inhumane animal. She never got the note I left at her house, which I guess is a good thing.

I'm glad I know what happened, although I'm irritated that her friends and family were intercepting and reading all of my very personal correspondance. But I had imagined in my head that she would have doubts. That when she learned everything I had done for her she would realize she made a mistake. I guess a part of me wanted that vindication. She said it would just have been too hard for us to be together, which is true, so I don't know why it hurt me to hear it.

Actually, I have my suspicions. I first knew she was thinking of me because she added a song to "my" playlist a few days ago, for the first time since she went into the hospital. Being who I am, I read waaaaay too much into the lyrics and I got it in my head that she realized that she'd made a mistake. The song is "recovery" by frank turner-

"Blacking in and out in a strange flat in east London.

Somebody I don't really know just gave me something

To help settle me down and to stop me from always

Thinking about you.

And you know your life is heading in a questionable direction

When you're up for days with strangers and you can't remember

Anything except the way you sounded when you told me you didn't know what I

Should do.

It's a long road out to recovery from here, a long way back to the light.

A long road out to recovery from here, a long way to making it right.

And so I wake up in the morning

Just like every other day and

Just like every boring blues song

I get swallowed by the pain,

So I fumble for your figure

In the darkness just to make it go away.

But you're not lying there any longer and I know that it's my fault

So I've been pounding on the floor and I've been

Crawling on the walls and I've been dipping my darkness

For serotonin boosters, cider and some kind of smelling salts.

It's long road out to recovery from here, a long way back to the light.

A long road out to recovery from here, a long way to making it right.

So on the first night we met you said well darling let's make a deal,

If anybody ever asks us well let's just tell them that we met in jail.

And that's the story that I'm sticking to like a stony-face accomplice

But tonight I need to hear some truth if I'm ever getting through this.

Yeah, you once sent me a letter that said if you're lost at sea,

Close your eyes and catch a tide my dear, and only think of me.

Well darling now I'm sinking and I'm as lost as lost can be

And I'm hoping you can drag me out from down here towards to my recovery.

If you could just give me a sign, just a subtle little glimmer,

Some suggestion that you'd have me if I could only make me better

Then I'd stand a little stronger, as I walk a little taller all the time.

Because I know you are a cynic but I think I can convince you

Yeah, 'cause broken people can get better if they really want to

Or at least that's what I have to tell myself

If I'm hoping to survive.

It's a long road out to recovery from here, a long way back to the light.

A long road out to recovery from here, a long way to making it right.

So darling, sweet lover, won't you help me to recover,

Darling, sweet lover, won't you help me to recover,

Darling, sweet lover, won't you help me to recover,

Darling, sweet lover, one day this will all be over."


So I had hoped for some declaration of love or a heartfelt apology, instead of just "there's nothing I can say to fix this."

I was ok talking to her, but ended up crying pretty much the rest of the day and couldn't sleep at all. I've been crying all morning when I haven't been with patients. I still don't know whether I can see her in a month. My friends said I shouldn't let her take this from me but I know what seeing her will do. I feel like I've gone back to ground zero just from one pleasant conversation. I should feel better. She wasn't ignoring me, she was in the hospital. She was struggling. She misses me. She thinks about me. And I'm still a wreck because I hate that she never fought for me or made the grand gesture or sacrificed.

Anyway, I unblocked her number long enough to text her that I couldn't be her friend. I wished her the best but said that I couldn't be around to witness it because I'm too broken. I love her too much to be her friend. The only way I was able to move on was thinking that I never had to see her face or talk to her again.

Now the pain feels fresh. The rejection feels fresh. The admission that she was just mirroring and making promises that she couldn't follow through with... . it's almost worse than thinking I hurt her so much she had to split me black.

whhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyy am I so dumb? whhhhhhhhyyyyyy do I love this person SO much and SO irrationally?

You are definitely NOT dumb.   And you are definitely NOT alone in being hooked, or feeling irrational.   Most of us on this board puzzle over the same things.   I have, at various times, felt like an addict when it involved my relationship and/or ex-girlfriend.

Please be kind to yourself.  You are human.  We internalize so much that is out of our control.   Things I have done in the depths of despair: 1. written a gratitude list, 2. challenged my "magical thinking" about my relationship in writing, with "reality tests" (i.e., memories of the dysfunction), 3. reached out to others in the same boat. 

We're here for you.  You are not alone. 

Gentle hugs. It is not easy to be in your position. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Don't be hard on yourself.