BPDFamily.com

What a morning!

We have a final custody trial now scheduled for the first week in May.  BM is due to be released from her halfway house at the end of April - four months early, for good behavior.  Even though we were bummed that the trial was continued, our lawyer told us to let it play out to see if we could document any "bad acts" to bring to court along with our GAL report that recommends that DH keep custody of SS13 permanently.

BM has been working at a local chain restaurant since December, and apparently her supervisor and manager love her (according to not-so-reliable relatives). 

We found out from her friend this morning, who is her power of attorney, that:

  1) She is having an affair with a 60-year-old married customer.

  2) The customer bought her a tablet to secretly use at work to e-mail, etc.

  3) She is creating havoc at the halfway house with the other residents.

  4) She threatened suicide two weeks ago.

  5) She is planning on leaving the state as soon as she is released to get her daughter (SS13's

      half sister).

  6) She now wants to fire her friend as her POA.  Her friend is a paralegal, so she could possibly

      get in a lot of trouble for not reporting what she knows.

So . . . we think the friend told us all this to either bolster herself to go to the authorities, or for us to report it to our lawyer.  We're thinking that as an officer of the court, he may be required to report it.  Not sure where this is all leading.  Just when you think you're going to have a quiet week with no drama!

I don't know if I have any questions, just had to share this where people get it.  BPD at it's finest - the rules don't apply.  Has anyone had something like this happen, where they just flaunt everything like they're challenging you to try and get them?

It took me a long time to learn this lesson, but it is important.  In general, there is a difference between what is poor behavior and what court concludes is actionable poor behavior.  From your list these ought to be more likely seen as actionable since they involve parenting behaviors and not adult behaviors:


Both of these would affect her parenting in some way.  The first, someone threatening suicide should not be in charge of children.  The second, leaving the state without permission in violation of the court's order is effectively parental kidnapping.  (But the court may reason that if she hasn't skipped yet then it isn't an issue - yet.)

The key is to submit and highlight your documentation in such a clear presentation that she - or the judge - can't pooh-pooh it or disregard it as inconsequential.

Yes, FD, that is the advice I have stuck with over the last few months!  We are hoping that this will move her back to jail for the next four months, and that DH will be awarded custody due to this as well.  I guess we'll just wait and see.

That's what would really help your case. Her to get herself into enough trouble that she isn't let out early for good behavior or somehow end up getting thrown back in for a violation once she is out. It really sounds like your lawyer is right and she'll likely sink herself.

She sounds very low functioning. With a GAL recommending your SO keep custody, and your documentation, are you concerned that things won't go favorably in court?

I know in my case I am. I'm terrified all the time that the fact that the BPD mom having given birth to the kids trumps all evidence against her having custody. I'm terrified that she'll stand up there in court, cry, and tell the judge that she is going to try to do better and should be given a chance in an emotional plea to not lose her kids. And I'm terrified that despite all of our best efforts a judge will give her the chance. Then she gets months or years to screw up and damage the kids more before we can get back into a court room to fix it.

Even if it seems like I take some kind of joy in legally slamming the kid's mom into the ground that isn't what this is. In my perfect world their mom would be healthy and good to them and would encourage their contact with their dad like the parenting plan says she is supposed to instead of making every phone call a miserable fight. But that isn't the world we are in and our only recourse to try and make things right is to give the court so much evidence that they can't possibly ignore her bad acts no matter how much she cries about how she'll miss her babies.

Being a step mom in these kinds of situations literally makes me the most powerless adult. I can't bring motions and the court doesn't even really want to hear from me. The GAL will speak to me once for a few minutes before she writes her report, which is due at the end of the month. The fight is seen as between the two biological parents. Never mind that I'm marrying their father and that I love them and him very much. Never mind that if we get them I'm going to have a huge roll in raising them and since I have no children of my own this is going to be a HUGE life change. Never mind that one of my jobs is going to be to show the kids what a healthy mother-like figure should be like which means I have to constantly do work on myself to be able to fill that roll as well as I possibly can. It's all a lot to take in and take on and here I am ready and willing to do all of that and more and their mom, who is low functioning and can't do anything for them, trumps it all simply for the fact that she gave birth to them.

Further, as much as I love the kids, sitting back while their BPD mom damages them and puts me in the position to have to clean up more of a mess makes me incredibly angry. Where is she going to be when they are hurt, angry, maladjusted teenagers? Oh, that's right. Sitting there three states away talking about how none of it is her fault. Their father and I will be the ones dealing with it. I know all kids react to abuse/neglect differently but I've read enough horror stories on these boards to know that we may end up with a couple of very angry kids screaming four letter words into our faces, stealing from my purse, having no respect or boundaries of their own, etc etc etc. And why? Because we couldn't get them out now. That's a lot for me to live with considering I had no part in making any of this mess in the first place. All I did was fall in love with a great guy who made some poor choices twelve years ago. Trust me, I get it, I'm not the kid's savior. But I will fight tooth and nail for the best possible outcome using every tool at my disposal. Not just for the kids, but for myself as well.

I live for the day when this part is over and settled and we don't have to be running in and out of court every few months. I know peace won't last even if we get them but I feel like we are very much overdo for a reprieve. This whole situation has been exhausting and all-encompassing. I read on this site that I shouldn't drive myself crazy with it. But just last night my DF spoke to the GAL and the GAL asked him if he had some specific information about something she thought the BPD mom had lied to her about. I was able to dig up some actual indisputable evidence of the lie for him to email to the GAL. Evidence I collected by screen shot back in the middle of last year that I never honestly thought would be useful, but just took the screen shots anyway because I wanted to have everything I could. If I hadn't, I'd be sitting here kicking myself.

About the power of a GAL... .

Back in 2009 I filed Change of Circumstances to end Shared Parenting and get custody.  It went before the magistrate in my county that is fairly passive and unfairly defaults to mothers.  It didn't go well for ex in the 2010 hearing and magistrate wrote how ex was "not credible" in one part of her testimony, that was where she had obstructed my vacation notice by demanding she get her holiday time for Kwanzaa even though, as she stated, she wasn't of Jewish descent.  (She knew so little about that holiday that she didn't even know it wasn't a Jewish holiday.)  When it went to the judge in 2011, the GAL recommended I get custody but that ex keep equal time since then she could get child support (alimony had just ended) and be more stable.  I knew that 'deal' wouldn't work, but my lawyer said that if we proceeded to trial the judge might hear the opposing arguments and then rule for the GAL's solution anyway.  So that's what we settled.  It didn't work of course and in 2012 I filed for Modification of Parenting time and 17 months later after 2 days of testimony, I got majority time at the end of 2013.

My point is that the judge is likely to see a GAL's recommendation as being less biased than either parent's claims and arguments.  A lot of documentation is needed to change what the GAL may recommend to the court.

Caution:  Keep in mind too that a GAL may be trying to broker a 'deal' - settlements are the outcome in many cases - so you may find you are pressured to accept a lousy ruling that is sure to bring you back to court again to be fixed.

Positive:  If one of the parents is going to live remote and have less opportunity for parenting then you are less likely to get a mediocre settlement or ruling as mine was.  You'll either get a pretty good one or a pretty lousy one.  That is, either you get the children or you don't.  Distance forces the court to choose on parent as the clear primary parent.

Beware:  A few disordered parents, seeing they're likely to lose will try to keep one child (the golden child) and let go of the other child (the child painted black).  Sorry, splitting the kids apart, as in the old movie The Parent Trap, is not a good 'deal' in high conflict cases.

[/quote]
I know in my case I am. I'm terrified all the time that the fact that the BPD mom having given birth to the kids trumps all evidence against her having custody. I'm terrified that she'll stand up there in court, cry, and tell the judge that she is going to try to do better and should be given a chance in an emotional plea to not lose her kids. And I'm terrified that despite all of our best efforts a judge will give her the chance. Then she gets months or years to screw up and damage the kids more before we can get back into a court room to fix it.[/quote]
I'm right there with you on this Nope.  Our BM is such a great actress.  And reading about all the people on these boards, and on the stepmom boards, who lose because they weren't prepared or underestimated their BPD, has made me hyper-vigilant and ready to use any and all means to keep SS13 safe.

Yes, we have an excellent GAL report that not only recommends DH retain custody, but also states that BM should have a forensic psychiatric exam prior to any unsupervised visitation.  She basically laid out a BPD diagnosis as well.  SS18 is going to testify for us.  It should be a no-brainer, but I'm still holding my breath and looking for anything else to bolster our case.

DH called the supervisor at the halfway house this morning, who put him on speakerphone with her colleague.  As soon as he hung up, he forwarded her e-mails and a screen shot of her FB page with a post from yesterday.  They could not tell him what would happen, but he said it sounded like they were relieved to finally have some proof to pin on her.  So now it's time to wait it out.

That's how it is for me. Altho I have full custody and am still running in and out of court every few months.  :'(  But I know what you mean -- having a decision made where you have some control and influence over the situation makes all the difference. I'm really pulling for you, Nope. For both you and PinkieV. Getting the kids stabilized before the teen years is a big deal, too. My son is about to turn 13 and I'm already starting to see some of the angst, hoping there is enough of a foundation for us to get through whatever lays ahead.


This was true for me. I don't know that things would have turned out so well for me if the parenting coordinator didn't testify in my favor. And honestly, even when it looks like a slam dunk, I don't know how anyone can be completely confident. There are so many variables, and the judge has so much power, and it's so expensive and hard to reverse a bad decision. Not to mention court often seems to hedge on the side of being cautious, often to our detriment.