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I am hurting so much this morning. I want to break N/C. In the last year and a half, not to mention the almost 4 weeks from the break up, there has always been contact. This past Monday was the last time there was contact. I contacted him, but he didn't respond, and at this point, he can't. I have blocked his phone numbers and email. I can't quit thinking about the good times, and the bad times, which outnumbered the good are fading from my mind. I have gotten rid of everything he gave me that I can find. I don't know if that is why I am hurting. I was holding on to it because it symbolized hope that we would work it out. The contact was the possibility of us working it out. I know he is bad for me, but I am hurting this morning. Someone please talk to me. I feel desperate.

Just Confused

I am six weeks out no contact.  I don't want to contact me but I am still grieving, mostly for the dream that I thought WAS but was in reality, a game and a mirage.  I loved the character he plays in the honeymoon phase to hook you, the reality is that he is something far darker are much more shallow.  There is no depth there because he has no sense of self.  He drowns himself in many women to find self esteem.

I have learned I have to love myself more than the thought of him and who I WISHED he had been for me.

Before you can belong to someone else, you have to belong to yourself.  I am putting all my energy into me.  My career, my fitness, my mind, my children.

Stay busy ad push through for yourself.  You KNOW he is NOT good for you.  So, choose to do what is healthy for you.  You can bet he is thinking of himself and not what is in your best interest.  So, who's looking out for you if you yourself are NOT?

Just_Confused,

you said it yourself: He is bad for you.

I know you're hurting and I know the feelings you are going through this morning.

If you break N/C it's just going to hurt you even more and set you back in your progress to recovery.

You're stronger than I am by enforcing this N/C policy! Keep your heads up, listen to the radio, watch TV, hit the gym, do something to distract your mind.

|iiii

Hang on JC!  I know how hard this is, I'm doing it too. (())

Thing is? You reaching out will cause YOU to hurt even more because there will more than likely be no reply, especially not a reply that you'd want.

The intensity will start to lessen, I promise.  Write a list of the ugly things that were done to you, keep it handy, re read it when you want to make contact, then tell yourself you deserve much better!

CiF

just_confused,

It's so hard to refrain from reaching out when we feel so uncomfortable – I definitely resonate with you.  You did the right thing by reaching out to us.  For me, my strategy has been that whenever I feel an urgent need to reach out to someone I don't want to contact, for example, I wait.  I focus on my breathing and the sensations in my body.  The urge does pass, but the effort it takes to resist it can be formidable, and I've failed plenty of times.

The strong urge to contact is an attempt to self-soothe.  What is it that you don't want to feel, just_confused?  If you can go into that, and feel it, you will learn a lot about what this relationship is/was for you.

You can do it.  We're here for you. 

I'm trying. It just hurts so much. When we had contact, at least there was some hope. Now there is nothing. He can't even get a hold of me because I have him blocked everywhere. What if he is having second thoughts.

I know you are, and I know it really, really hurts. 


Even if he is, how long do you think it would last, and what would be different this time?  I don't want to see you hurting more, just_confused.  Remember the 10 beliefs (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm) that keep us stuck.   

I walked with a friend on break. I am doing a little better. The urge to contact has passed. I just keep thinking about how I don't want my precious daughter to think it is ok to be treated, abused and controlled the way he did to me. That is all I can do.

Thank you, heartandwhole for the link to the 10 things. It was very helpful and very reassuring. I realize what is going on. I am just having a hard time letting go of the words. I just need to remember that those are not the truth, the actions were the truth.

Good job on going for a walk and reading the 10 Beliefs and reaching out - these are healthy ways to cope.   |iiii

I literally printed out the 10 Beliefs and had them with me the first few months and every single time I got stuck, it was one of those darn beliefs.

Hang in there J_C.

Peace,

SB

just_confused,

I'm so glad that you took a walk with your friend, that is such a great thing to do during moments like these.  

This is so tough, and you are being very strong.     Be gentle with yourself, your feelings are 100% okay.  I believed the words, too (and they were beautiful).  

Keep reaching out to us, and to your supportive friends.  You are not alone in this.  

11 weeks NC here. I miss him and am grieving and have a really hard time with NC too. But in my experience, whenever we've had contact, it's been a couple of days of hope and excitement and then a ton of pain and disappointment. Essentially, the end result of any contact we've had has been pain. It's just not worth it. Hang in there!