BPDFamily.com

I just need to get this off my chest. Also, I'm not suicidal, i am just emotionally exhausted and can't take it anymore... .

I am so angry at his dad for being so screwed up and such a dysfunctional person that he screwed up his son! I am so angry that he was so selfish he couldn't see how his actions were affecting his children and for the damage he was causing to his child (no sexual abuse, just a lot of mental issues that weren't resolved)! His actions prevented his child from being the man he could have been and instead turned him into half of a man so damaged he will never have a fulfilling life and will use and abuse people around him without any regard of what pain he is causing them!



I am so mad at his mom for marrying his dad and putting up with the instability she did till her child was 12 when the damage was already done. I am so mad at her for not getting him help. I am so mad at her for only focusing on herself and not realizing that every second she stayed with her ex husband (he's now deceased) was causing damage to her son that would likely never be acknowledged or reversed! I am so mad that her actions and selfishness has prevented him from being the wonderful man i got glimpses of, whole and complete! She is his mother. She was supposed to protect and care for him! I am so mad at her for being weak!

I am so mad at the adults is his life for not doing anything to help this child who was being so damaged by his surroundings! I am so mad a them for turning their heads when they knew there were mental health issues on his fathers side! I am so mad at them for not rescuing a child that was in such a volatile situation that was doing damage to him and preventing him from being the whole man he could have been! I am so mad at those people for minding their own business and not thinking of the child that needed rescued!

I am so mad at my ex for being so damaged! I am so mad at him for being sick! I am so mad at him for splitting black with me! I am so mad that he doesn't see he has a problem and get help instead of blaming everyone else and putting it on everyone else instead of recognizing that he has a problem and it can be treated. I am so mad at him for throwing me and my love away as if it was garbage! As if it didn't matter. Rejecting me and my love as if it was nothing! I am so angry he doesn't want to be a whole man and go get the help that is available now instead of just pretending it isn't there! I am so mad he couldn't love me the way i deserved to be and instead just threw away what we could have had because of an illness!

I am so mad at god! He could fix this! He could fix him! He could take my pain away! He could solve all this! He is supposed to be able to do anything and instead it seems like he is doing nothing! He doesn't want to see us suffer or hurt, but it is happening anyway. Look at all the people on this site who are sitting in the same spot i am and are hurting and struggling each day to make sense of having their whole world blow to smithereens!. He is supposed to love the world and he is letting all these people be damaged! He's not stopping it! He is letting it happen! I'm so mad because it doesn't seem like he cares and he is not doing anything to stop it!

I am so mad at myself! I am so mad for letting this man into my life! I am so mad at myself for falling in love with him and letting myself be vulnerable to him! I am so mad at myself for overlooking the red flags and making excuses and seeing the man he could be when he was normal and wanting to help him and loving him with my heart and soul! I am so mad at myself for trusting him! I am so mad at myself for letting this destroy me! I am so mad at myself for not being able to get over this and for feeling like my very heart and soul is being ripped apart! I am so mad that i am the one in therapy trying to recover from this but loving him still and wishing he would contact me and wanting to be with him, and still hoping beyond hope that maybe someday this will change and we will be together. I am so mad i have hope that he can be the whole man i knew in the good times, the one i will never know because of the damage that he suffered as a child! I am so mad that this  is probably going to take me months, if not years to recover from and even then i am probably never going to be able to love fully again because of the pain and damage this is causing me! I am so mad at myself that i am dying inside and there is nothing i can do but pick up the pieces and pray and try and move on from someone that i loved with every fiber of my being! I am so mad that i don't have any choice in the matter and i have to do it no matter what i want.

I am so mad i want to yell and scream and cry and die because i am now damaged in a way i never have been before! I want to swear and hit something. I want it to stop hurting! I want it to never have happened! I want it to just go away! I don't want to feel like this anymore! I want to stop feeling this overwhelming pain and agony! I want the memories to stop haunting me! I want to have not been abused! I want to forget! I just want it to end!

I just want it to end.

I'm praying for you. I am mad too about many things. I am mad at her (the BPDs) family for not letting me know what I was getting into before I made such a heavy investment in the relationship. It realy sucks and I can compl. empathize with you.

You are not alone... .

just_confused,

I am very sorry your going through this. No words can be said to fix things and make you feel great. I can tell you though I can relate and that I was thrown away like garbage also by my wife. I hope you don't give up on God though. He sees all. Sometimes things happen for a reason that we will only understand later. Doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt bad though. In my case it has to be this person is gone from my life so I can really be happy with someone who will love me. Hang in there. Thank you for posting and please continue. Be easy on yourself.

AO

JC,

My heart goes out to you!

I can't offer any time-tested advice to help you.  But I can tell you that, based on your post, and based on my personal experience with my BPD ex, we are most mad at ourselves.  I would venture to say that we are DISAPPOINTED in ourselves, much more than mad.  The thing I do know is that

We are mad because we KNOW we deserve better than this.  And that is a great thing to feel intuitively.  Better to know you deserve better than to think you deserve the crap you've been given.

I'm angry now too.  You expressed what a lot of us feel and can't express.  Bravo!  Try to go easy on yourself.  You couldn't have known the extent of his illness.  My xHusband, too, can be so wonderful when he's on good behavior.  I still get amnesia about all the bad stuff sometimes.

I can tell you are smart and kind and feeling.  Even though it doesn't seem like it now, you will be ok.  

It is too bad that no one helped him when he was young.  This is such a cruel illness.

When you are over this and fully recovered (very important!), read The Cloud of Unknowing. It will give you the answers why things are the way they are. And how to change yourself. I attribute my recovery (and transformation) to it. Not bad for something written 500 years ago... .

Chin up and smile!